Page 146 of Secrets of Graves and Gold

No! Julita’s shudder resonates through my skull. Her horror rings through her refusal. What happened to Rheave—that was already done. I want no part in any of the ways the scourge sorcerers are twisting life with their horrible power.

After her past experiences with scourge sorcery, maybe I should have expected that answer.

I wince inwardly. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

I know. I know you meant well. Julita sighs, but it’s a serene sound rather than fraught. If it sets your conscience at ease, you should know that lately I’ve been feeling that what I’ve gotten already is enough. My life might not have gone quite the way I expected, but I accomplished important things before and after my death. Possibly more than I would have if I’d stayed alive. I’m genuinely happy with how things turned out.

She sounds as if she means it. Any words I could have said in response stick in my throat.

How can she be happy with her existence cut so short, with only getting to act through me for the past few months? She had even less time than I’ve lived, and I’d still give anything to go back to the childhood dreams I had before my riven power awoke and?—

The thought stalls in my head.

Would I, though? Would I rather have been helping Da run the print shop right now, never having met Casimir or Alek or Stavros or Rheave?

Never even knowing the scourge sorcerer conspiracy was happening other than hearing of the uprising—until what? The Order of the Wild swept across the country and slaughtered every noble who stood against them, including the royal family?

If I wasn’t what I am, King Konram might very well have died the day the captured daimon stormed the palace in Florian. I wouldn’t have spent all those years on the streets or all these weeks on the run, but I also wouldn’t have gotten to experience the incredible love that glows in my chest, sustaining my strength through every hardship I’ve faced.

I can’t imagine giving it all up for a simpler life. And could I really gamble the security of the entire realm to recover my sister’s life?

What kind of life would either of us have had once the Order of the Wild took over?

It’s possible I’m exactly where I need to be.

For the first time, I can’t say I regret the journey here.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” I say finally. “You should be happy.”

And you should too. Julita stirs in the back of my skull. The only other thing I worry about is Nikodi. Once Borys is gone, there’ll be no one left to inherit the county. If I’m not around by the time that matter comes up, I’d appreciate it if you’d make sure the next count or countess is a good one.

As last requests go, it’s a reasonable one. But it makes me choke up a little thinking of the entreaty that way.

“I’ll do my best,” I say. “Maybe you should stick around at least that long, to make sure we choose well.”

Julita gives a light laugh. We’ll have to see what the gods have in store for us next, won’t we?

“I guess we will.” I glance up toward the sky as if I might catch a glimpse of a crow or some other sign that Kosmel is still watching over me, but all I see is indigo darkening to black with a scattering of stars.

The lights on the shore are gradually getting larger. Julita and I lapse into silence as I pull closer to the opposite side.

The actual country of Dariu lies much farther to the east, but the realm of Cotea lies within their empire, under their control, so it amounts to the same thing. It’ll be Darium soldiers monitoring the channel.

Which is exactly what I want.

As I draw closer, I make out the tall, blocky walls of the Darium fort that’s my final destination. Rather than heading straight toward it. I veer around in an arc until I’m gliding closer to shore on a subtle diagonal. To anyone watching, my approach might not even be intentional.

All the same, my magic wriggles between my ribs, tugging at me to let it loose like I have so often in recent days. It could conceal me completely, ensure no one sees me at all.

I ignore its nagging and the pang of hopes lost. For a little while, I thought the cost of my power wasn’t so high after all. I thought I could be riven and sane and help the realms with my magic.

But that’s proven to be a lie. The price I’d be paying is simply different.

I’m several minutes distant from the fort and some twenty paces from the shoreline when a voice hollers over to me in the Darium tongue. “Hey there, woman in the boat! What’s your business here?”

My magic flares with a sharper wrenching, but it’s exactly the sort of question I practiced answering with Stavros. I clamp down on my power with the rigid hold I perfected during my days on the streets of Florian’s outer wards and the imagery of ivy winding around my chest.

As my heart thumps faster, I pull the foreign words to my lips, reminding myself of the specific inflexion I need to sound reasonably native. “Doing some night fishing. The silverbreem fetch a good price. Is it a problem?”

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