Page 117 of Secrets of Graves and Gold

“I’m going to take a walk and make sure there are no threats nearby,” I announce, and set off before anyone can question me.

I walk until I can’t make out any hint of my companions through the trees and then keep going a little farther for good measure. The wind rattles the branches over my head, bringing a crisp, wild scent I try to commit to memory.

How well will I recall all the bodily experiences I’ve enjoyed once I no longer have a physical presence? Will my existence as a sort-of human fade as if it never happened?

I set my quiver against a tree and slide out one of the arrows. As I look at the afternoon sunlight glancing off the sharp metal tip, all my innards seem to clench up.

I turn the shaft between my fingers, in the grips of a silent debate.

I’d be leaving her behind. I promised to protect her.

But have I really managed to do that, or have I only put her in more danger, again and again?

There’s so much more I hoped for. So much that my chest aches with it alongside the pangs of regret for what I have done.

At the snap of a twig, I jerk around.

Ivy stops several paces away, her worried gaze fixed on me.

She got this close without me hearing her approaching. I don’t know whether to credit my distraction or her skills in stealth.

When I don’t speak, she walks closer. “What are you doing, Rheave?”

It’s difficult to concentrate on my intentions when she’s looking at me like that.

I grope for the right words. “It’s dangerous for me to be with you. I keep ruining things.”

Somehow her face turns even sadder. “None of that was your fault. The scourge sorcerers were messing with you. When we’ve dealt with them, that won’t happen anymore.”

“But we don’t know how long that’ll take or what else they might do before then. What else they might make me do.”

Ivy frowns. “So why did you come out here? Did you think you’d just walk away? You didn’t take any food—you didn’t even bring your bow…”

Her gaze slides from the quiver I set down to the arrow in my hand, and her stance goes rigid. “Rheave, you weren’t going to— I thought you wanted to keep your body.”

A sudden, unexpected heat wells up behind my eyes. I find myself blinking hard against the moisture that starts to collect there. “I do. It’s been incredible—but giving it up is the easiest solution. If I don’t have this body, if it’s only chunks of broken clay, then they can’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do.”

Ivy grasps my wrist by the hand holding the arrow. “I wouldn’t ask you to give up this new part of your life just because you’ve struggled a little. None of us would. We’ll figure something else out.”

“But it keeps happening, no matter what I try. I can’t even tell they’re sending their magic at me until it’s too late.”

She pauses, studying me. “Do you want to go back to being just a daimon? So you can be free of all the trouble?”

“No!” The answer bursts out of me before I can contain it. “I still haven’t—I haven’t done anything that really matters.”

Ivy knits her brow. “What do you mean?”

My frustration constricts my chest. “I never understood before… Humans exist for such a short time in the scheme of things. But you leave your mark on the world in so many ways that I never have in the entire time I wandered without caring… I want to make a difference. Change something for the better.”

“I think you already have,” Ivy says quietly. “But you can still do more.”

A lump has clogged my throat. I have to swallow it to speak. “I want to matter. But that’s selfish, isn’t it? I should do what would make things better for the most people right now.”

Ivy’s hand tightens on my arm. “I don’t think killing this body would be the best thing. Because you do matter already. You matter to me.”

I lift my gaze, searching her expression. She still looks sad and worried, and there’s something else shimmering in her eyes that I can’t decipher.

But it isn’t quite what I’m looking for.

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