Page 91 of The Summer Swap

“Is this because I missed dinner? It was an emergency, Kristen. What was I supposed to do? Tell a husband that I can’t save his wife because I have to go home to my own?”

“No, I don’t expect you to do that. I respect what you do. But I would like some respect in return. Do you have any idea how I felt tonight?”

“It was all frantic, Krissy.” He hung up his coat. “I knew you’d be okay. I knew you’d understand.”

“Well, I wasn’t okay. And I don’t understand. Would you have left me sitting in that restaurant all night?” She was raising her voice, but she couldn’t help it. “I would like you to just once consider how I might be feeling. A call, Theo, that’s all I needed. A message. It didn’t even have to be you sending it.”

“It just went from my mind—”

“You mean I went from your mind, and that’s because I’m never in your mind. There is always something, or someone, more important.”

“You’re overreacting. And on that subject, why did you call the department and ask them to tell me you love me? They all had a big laugh over it. Were you trying to embarrass me?”

“Embarrass you?” The thought of everyone laughing was the final straw. “Do you have any idea how I felt when you didn’t show up at the restaurant? The restaurant you chose, by the way, as somewhere special to celebrate our anniversary. The date you fixed. Because you really want to spend time with your family, don’t you, Theo, you really want to spend time with me. After what happened to Michael, you’re a changed man.” She knew she should be having this conversation in a calm voice, but it was impossible. She was so very hurt. So very upset. “Except you’re not a changed man. You’re exactly the man you’ve always been. And even now, with me spelling it out to you, you’re not even trying to understand how I’m feeling. It’s all about you. I didn’t call the hospital to embarrass you, I called them because I was scared that something had happened to you!”

He stared at her. “Of course nothing had happened to me. Why would you even think that?”

“Because bad things happen. They happened to Michael!”

His expression changed. “I didn’t think about that. It didn’t cross my mind that you’d worry. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll get a message to you.”

Next time.

“There won’t be a next time. I’m done, Theo.” She gestured to the suitcases. “I’ve never been a quitter, but this is me quitting.”

“Kristen—” he said, running his hand over the back of his neck. “Look, I get that you’re upset. I understand. But can we talk about this tomorrow? I’ve been operating for the past eight hours and I’m tired. I’m sorry I messed up our anniversary. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“If you think we can talk about this tomorrow, then you don’t understand. And even now, you’re still making it about you.” And suddenly she realized something, and she wondered why she hadn’t seen it before. “It’s a type of addiction, isn’t it, Theo? Being needed? Being the hero? The guy who rides in on his charger and saves the day. Or at least, saves the patient.”

“Because the patient needs me. I’m a surgeon. That is my job.”

“I know. And I’ve always admired that. I’ve always supported you. Which is why it’s taken me this long to see things clearly. The patient does need you, but you need them just as much. You need the applause. You need the limelight. Yes, you make a difference, and sometimes you save lives, but there are other surgeons. You’re not the only one. And a life doesn’t have to be full of big moments and drama for them to count. Small moments matter, too. Those moments no one else sees. But you don’t get high on those moments, do you, Theo? You can’t handle the ordinary or the mundane or those life moments where you’re not the shining star.”

“Kristen—”

“You’re a saint to your patients and staff, and absent when your family need you. We are nothing more than your support crew, here to back you up so that you can live this life you’ve chosen. You have your priorities, and I’m not one of them. But I deserve more than that. I deserve better than to be left in a restaurant without even the courtesy of a phone call. You are always there for your patients and colleagues when they need you, but never there for me.” She was furious with herself for being so emotional, but how could she not be? This was her marriage. Her life. “I’m leaving, and we can figure out details later.”

“Wait—” He caught her arm. “You’re leaving because I didn’t message you to say I’d be late?”

“No, I’m leaving because I’m not important to you.” Her voice was shaky. “Even in my lowest moments, when I truly needed you, you haven’t been there for me.”

He let go of her. “That’s unfair and untrue.”

“Really?” She hadn’t intended to rake up the past, but how could she not? “You missed Todd’s birth because you were with a patient who you judged to be a greater priority than I was. It didn’t matter that I was frightened and alone, and that Todd’s heart rate was dipping and scaring everyone. It didn’t matter that they had to rush me to surgery. The welfare of your wife and child was secondary to the patient you were dealing with.”

“I knew you were in good hands, but you’re right. I should have been there for that.” His face was paler than usual. “Fortunately you were both fine—”

“Physically yes, although no thanks to you. Emotionally? I wasn’t fine, Theo. I was traumatized. The gap between the happy birthing experience I’d hoped for and the panicked emergency I ended up having, was huge. And I had no one to share it with. You abandoned me.” Her voice was shaking, and she stopped talking for a moment and pressed her hand to her chest, forcing herself to breathe slowly. She had to finish this conversation. “I buried that trauma and I forgave you, because deep down you’re a good man and I was proud of you. I tried to forget and carry on. And on all the occasions that followed across the years where you weren’t there for me when I needed you, I did the same. I swallowed it and carried on. I made excuses for you. I forgave you. And then my father was rushed into hospital.”

“I was with a patient who had fallen from a window—”

“I don’t doubt it. And I’m sure you felt you were justified in not being by my side when my father was dying, but ask yourself this, Theo—were you really the only person who could have helped that patient? Was there really no other surgeon who could have stepped in and covered for you the way you always step in and cover for colleagues? I’m sure there was, but you didn’t ask them because you didn’t want to be with me.” And suddenly it came to her in an explosion of clarity. “You were afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Yes. Afraid of my emotions. Afraid of your own emotions. You’re good in a crisis when it is someone else’s crisis.” She wondered why she hadn’t seen it before. “You’re brilliant at being detached, but when it comes to dealing with your own emotions you will do anything to avoid it. That’s why you had to take time off after Michael. You couldn’t handle it. And it’s why you weren’t there for me after my father died, because you couldn’t handle my emotions, either.”

“Kristen—”

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