Page 40 of The Summer Swap

That was in the past, and it would stay in the past.

But it had been a difficult week, made more difficult by the fact that her mother seemed to have gone into hiding. Why she couldn’t say where she was, Kristen had no idea. Why the secrecy?

She’d had several messages from her, reassuring Kristen that she was fine, and simply taking some time to deal with a few things. She’d told Kristen not to worry. That she needed space.

Given that the Lapthorne mansion offered more than enough space for ten people to live comfortably, Kristen had deduced that what her mother was really saying was that she needed space from Kristen. Her mother wouldn’t tell her where she was staying. Her mother didn’t want Kristen to find her. Whatever crisis had driven her to leave her own party, she didn’t want to share it with her daughter.

And that stung.

What did it say about you as a person that your own mother went into hiding to avoid you? When the person who was supposed to love you unconditionally was so desperate for space from you that they wouldn’t even tell you where they were?

The whole thing was hurtful and mystifying, and the hurt increased with each passing day.

Cecilia had assured Kristen that she was fine, but not once had she asked how Kristen was. She hadn’t apologized for walking out of her own party, leaving Kristen to handle a hundred guests. She hadn’t asked how it went, or how Kristen had explained her absence. She didn’t know that Todd had broken up with Amelie. She didn’t know that Theo had come to the party. She didn’t know Michael had been killed. She didn’t know that today was his funeral.

A normal mother, if not actually present, might at least have sent a message.

Thinking of you today with love.

But her mother wouldn’t be thinking about her, because she didn’t know anything that was happening in Kristen’s life. She didn’t seem to care.

Her eyes stung and her mood sank so low that she felt a moment of alarm.

Kristen was no longer worried about her mother; she was worried about herself.

She felt disturbingly close to the edge. She’d always assumed that resilience was like a piece of elastic that stretched when you needed it to, but lately she’d tugged and nothing had happened, and she wondered if it was more like string, if there were limits. If it might in fact snap if enough pressure was applied.

Had she reached her limit?

She wanted to talk to someone about it, but there was no one. It was hard to maintain friendships when life was demanding and during the limited time she spent with friends they always skimmed over the deeper issues. She sensed that they were fine (apart from Trisha of course, who definitely wasn’t fine). Or perhaps no one wanted to admit that their lives weren’t perfect. Either way, it meant she had no one to turn to.

Her children loved her, she had no doubt about that, but she was their mother. It was her responsibility to care for them and protect them, whatever their ages, not the other way round. And she didn’t want to worry them. Hannah and Todd had their own lives to lead. They didn’t need to know she wasn’t coping.

The last week had shown her just how alone she was.

Her father would have noticed. Her father would have been there for her.

She had never missed him more. The pain of it gnawed at her insides. If she was stressed or sad, he’d stop whatever he was doing and pay attention to her. He’d say things like, How’s my girl? Sometimes he’d just hug her and tell her, You’re the best.

She badly wanted to hear his voice now. She missed the enveloping comfort, and the certainty of his love that had felt like a safety net when life had sent her spinning through the air. Her father had always been there to catch her.

Now there were nights when she lay awake for hours and worried about how hard she could fall without that safety net. She wondered who, if anyone, might catch her.

A few days before, she’d felt so alone that she’d called Jeff, even though Theo was in the house. She’d thought that just hearing his voice might make her feel better. She’d wanted someone to ask how she was. She’d wanted to remind herself that there were people who cared.

But Jeff hadn’t picked up the phone. She’d called four times, and there had been no answer.

She’d left a message asking him to call her back, but he hadn’t done so, and she was shaken by how bad that made her feel.

Jeff had been a tonic over the past couple of months. He had listened, and cared, and given her what she’d needed. Jeff had given her hope that life could still be fun and exciting, and that she could be wanted and important to someone.

But now she was beginning to wonder if wanting something badly had somehow led her to create it in her mind. She wondered if she’d conjured up a depth of feeling that wasn’t there.

What had it meant to him? She had no idea, and she couldn’t ask him because he’d basically ghosted her.

She’d told herself that he was probably just busy, but so many days had passed that no longer seemed a reasonable explanation. Why hadn’t she heard anything? Perhaps meeting Theo at the party had made him retreat. Or maybe he’d simply decided he was no longer interested in her.

But she would carry on because that was what she did. She had responsibilities. There were people who depended on her and she didn’t want to let anyone down, even though she often felt that people let her down.

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