Page 38 of The Summer Swap

“I stayed with my parents for a while.” Lily hadn’t talked about it with anyone else, but there was something about Cecilia’s calm acceptance and lack of judgment that made it easy to be open and honest. “It was a mistake. I never should have gone down that track in the first place. I really wanted to study art in some form, but my parents were worried that it wouldn’t lead to anything. That I wouldn’t be able to get a job. So I chose a science route. Not that I’m blaming them. They were just being caring. Encouraging. Doing what they felt was best for me. It was my decision.”

“Pressure, however well-meaning, is still pressure.” Cecilia sliced a piece from her omelet and ate it. “As well as doing something that wasn’t really what you wanted to do, you felt you had to live up to their expectations.”

It was a relief to talk to someone who understood.

“They were proud of the fact I was training to be a doctor.”

“I’m sure they’re still proud.”

“They’re not.” Lily put her fork down without eating anything. Nothing ruined her appetite faster than thinking about the situation with her parents. “They’re disappointed and worried. They sacrificed everything to give me a shot at a great career and I blew it.”

“Is that how you see it?”

“It’s how it is.”

Cecilia finished her omelet. “Why the Cape?”

“I’ve always loved it here. We came when I was a child, so it has happy memories. I feel less—” it was hard to explain “—less claustrophobic when I’m here.”

Cecilia nodded. “And you got a job with a property management company.”

“I didn’t have many options. I have no qualifications and so far my choices in life haven’t worked out so well.”

Cecilia reached for her coffee. “I’ve often thought it was ridiculous to expect a person to make decisions about their future at such a young age. How does anyone really know?”

“Hannah knew. Hannah never has any doubts. I always envied that about her.” And it had made her friend impossible to talk to because she just hadn’t understood.

Cecilia nodded. “But she is in a minority. Some people know, but far more just land on something and hope it works out. And it sounds as if you did know, deep down. You were passionate about art. But you didn’t choose art. You chose with your head and not your heart.”

“Art was a dream. Not a reality.”

“That’s your parents speaking.” Cecilia pushed her plate away. “There’s nothing wrong with having a dream. It’s good to know what you want. But you also need a plan. A dream without a plan will never be anything more than a fantasy. But if you ask yourself how you can turn that dream into reality—if you figure out what it is you need to do, and then make sure you do it, you’ll be living the life you want to live instead of thinking about it. Of course the dream loses some of its shine once you’re living it. One of life’s cruelest ironies I’ve always felt. I wish you’d eat something.”

Lily picked up her fork. Cecilia’s words played in her head.

She didn’t really have a plan. The last few months had been about surviving.

And no amount of planning was going to help her sell a painting. Maybe if she’d been to art college things would have been different.

“I wasted all those years of college and medical school.” And money. She’d wasted money.

Cecilia put her cup down slowly. “Better to waste a few years than a whole life. And is anything really a waste? We learn as much from what goes wrong as we do from what goes right. You tried it. You discovered it wasn’t for you. You will have learned something from it, I’m sure. If you hadn’t spent those years at medical school perhaps you wouldn’t have been able to bandage my arm so skillfully.”

Better to waste a few years than a whole life.

The words settled inside her and soothed her anxiety. “That’s a good way of looking at it. Helpful.” And she couldn’t help wishing, just for a moment, that it had been her parents who had said those words. But they wouldn’t, because they did think that she was wasting her life.

“It’s accurate, although you’re maybe too young to see it. You see it as a mistake. I see it as life experience.”

“Maybe it would be easier to see it that way if my parents hadn’t sacrificed so much to send me to college and medical school. They wanted for me what they never had for themselves. I understand that.” And the fact that she understood it made it harder.

Cecilia nodded. “You’re an only child.”

“Yes. How do you know?”

“Because if there is more than one child the burden of parental expectation is spread. But whatever your parents want or think, in the end the only life you can live is your own. And that goes for them as well as you.”

“Sometimes it feels as if I am their life. I’m their focus. After I left medical school I went home for a while, but their anxiety made me anxious.”

---