Page 104 of The Summer Swap

“I’m happy for them,” Kristen said. “I’m happy for Todd. I could never understand why he and Amelie were together, but lately I’ve lost confidence in my ability to be a good judge of other people’s relationships.”

She’d never seen her daughter so vulnerable and uncertain.

“I don’t think anyone can ever really understand another person’s relationships.”

“Maybe not. I’m very fond of Lily. I always thought she was good for Hannah. Calmed her down and kept her grounded. And Lily and Todd have always been friendly. Whenever she came round to the house, I could hear them laughing together. She sometimes spent as much time talking to Todd as she did Hannah. I’d say they’re perfect together. Although what do I know?” Kristen gave a tired smile. “I never would have thought I’d leave Theo. I’ve shocked myself.”

“I’m sure you’ve shocked him, too. But that could be a good thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, you stop checking in with them. You assume you know how they feel. You stop paying attention. I suspect Theo is guilty of that.” She felt a flash of sympathy for Theo, but more for her daughter. She knew how it felt to be with a partner whose work dominated everything.

Kristen stared out across the ocean. “Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because I knew who Theo was when I married him.”

“You mean his commitment to his job?” She didn’t know the details of course, but she wanted her daughter to know she could talk to her. “What changed, honey?”

“I think I changed.” Kristen slipped off her flip-flops and curled her toes into the soft sand. “It isn’t really about his working hours, although that contributes because it reduces the amount of time that he’s physically present. It’s more that he doesn’t see me. Or hear me. Even when he’s there physically, he isn’t there emotionally.” She stopped and picked up her flip-flops. “I suppose when the kids were young, and even when they were at college, I was always busy, too. I didn’t question my life. But after we lost Dad—well, lately I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. Even when Theo is in the house I’m lonely because he just doesn’t seem to be tuned in to how I’m feeling. He assumes I’m fine all the time. I suppose that’s why I was so receptive to Jeff. He listened. He was interested in me.” She pulled a face. “Except he wasn’t, was he? And it hurts to admit that he wasn’t interested in me at all. I’m such a fool.”

“Trusting someone doesn’t make you foolish.” Cecilia felt something tug inside her. “Did you love him, honey? Are you brokenhearted?”

“The only thing that is broken is my pride.” Kristen stared across the water. “I didn’t love him, but I loved the way he made me feel. For a while I wasn’t lonely. I suppose I used him as much as he used me. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel worse about it.”

Cecilia couldn’t help feeling relieved that Jeff didn’t seem to have made a dent in her daughter’s heart. “I know something about feeling lonely. I wish we’d had this talk a long time ago. I blame myself for that.”

“Don’t. I didn’t find it easy to talk about it. I didn’t even talk about it with Theo, not properly, until something exploded inside me.” Kristen bent down and retrieved a shell from the sand. “After Dad died, I felt so lost. His death left a big gaping hole in my life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to be without him. I felt horrible, and I wanted to fix that because that’s what I do when there’s a problem. I find a solution. But there wasn’t a solution to this. I couldn’t fix it, and no one understood how I felt. Theo couldn’t see how broken I was. How lost. Small resentments that I would have shrugged off in other circumstances, turned into mountains. I couldn’t see past them.”

Cecilia felt a shaft of sympathy. “It has been a difficult time.”

“Yes.” Kristen was silent for a moment. “I’m pleased about you and Seth, Mom.”

Cecilia turned to look at her daughter. “Are you?”

“Yes. It’s so hard to find someone you trust and love in this world. You deserve happiness. I’m glad you’ve found it. And I like Seth.”

Cecilia was surprised. The last thing she’d expected was a vote of approval from her daughter. “I was afraid you’d think it was too soon.”

“Too soon to find happiness again? It could never be too soon for that.”

Cecilia felt a rush of warmth. She hadn’t realized how much Kristen’s approval and support would mean to her.

“Thank you.”

“For what? For accepting what you want? The life you choose? I should have done that sooner. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry for all the times I blamed you for the problems between you and Dad. I feel terrible about it.”

“Don’t feel terrible. I could have talked to you about it. Not at the time, perhaps, but when you were older. I should have tried harder to bridge that gap.”

“When you left the party so suddenly, I thought maybe I was the reason. That you wanted to get away from me.”

“Kristen! No. I was in a terrible state that day. Panicking about the painting, and the cottage. Confused about my life. It wasn’t you, it was the party. The thought of standing up in front of all those people was just too much.”

“And I should have seen that. I should have closed the door on everyone and talked to you about it instead of running around with my to-do list in my hand, ticking off jobs.”

“I love you, Kristen.” It seemed important to say the words. “I’ve been bad at communicating it, but I do love you.”

“I love you, too.” Kristen sounded wistful. “Are we too old for things to be different?”

“I’m about to embark on a new life with a man who is a grandfather, so no, I think I can say with confidence that it is never too late to build on a relationship. And maybe with age and experience we’ll do better.”

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