Page 44 of Trick of Light

Nick’s face was pale. “No! I mean, no. I don’t know.” He got up and paced his office, back and forth, unable to meet her gaze. “You know, I never wanted to be a doctor.” He continued as though he hadn’t just said one of the cruelest things Bethany had ever heard. “I wanted to be a professor, or a writer, or a journalist. I wanted to travel the world. Sometimes when I’m in the middle of performing surgery, I think to myself, ‘I hate this! I would genuinely rather be anywhere but here!’”

“Maybe that’s why you make so many mistakes,” Bethany said, unable to stop herself.

Nick quit pacing and gaped at her. Bethany had gone too far. She thought he was going to yell at her or maybe smack her. But instead, Nick smiled slowly and nodded.

“I think that might be why I make so many mistakes,” he agreed. “I hate it. I hate it so much.” He dropped back on the sofa and drank from his glass.

Bethany felt discombobulated. She couldn’t imagine how she’d ever fallen in love with him. Even her more beautiful memories between them had begun to fizzle.

She decided to tell him. What did she have to lose?

“I never should have married you. I should have listened to my gut.”

Nick scoffed and raised his glass. “Cheers to that.” He smiled good-naturedly as though he meant no ill will. Maybe he didn’t. Perhaps he was too far gone. “Who else would you have dated? You were married to the hospital from day one.”

Bethany’s mind’s eye filled with Rod’s lined face, his kind eyes, and his thick head of hair. At the age of thirty-two, Nick had gotten hair implants and taken three months off work until they filled in. They’d told everyone he was volunteering abroad. Why had she gone along with that?

“I was in love before you,” she said. “I’m sure I’ll be in love after you, too.”

Nick’s smile waned. “So that’s it, then. Isn’t it?”

“I don’t see how we can get through this.”

Nick wiped his hand with the back of his mouth. One day, probably soon, he would have a younger girlfriend and maybe he would even have more children. Perhaps Bethany's memory would be like a blip.

“I’m going to quit the hospital,” Nick said. “Dad said he can get me a job in hospital management. That’s where the real money is, anyway. Less blood. Less death.” He raised his eyebrows. “Maybe I’ll move somewhere else. Get out of this heat. I’ve never lived anywhere else but Savannah, you know. I’ve been stuck.”

Bethany wanted to tell him that accepting another job from his father didn’t mean real freedom. But what other option did he have? It was either this or moving back in with his parents, probably.

“I want to enroll the kids in Nantucket schools,” Bethany said firmly.

For a moment, there was a spark in Nick’s eyes. She thought he was going to argue, to remind her that Tommy was a Waterstone and meant for great things.

Instead, he said, “That makes sense.” He scratched his hairy cheeks and turned his eyes to the window. “Maybe I’ll go to New York. I’ll be close by.”

Bethany softened. In the shadows of this reeking office, she felt as though she and Nick were strategizing the next years of their life. When it came to the children, they had to remain a team. Phoebe would be eighteen in eight years. At that point, she and Nick could be done with one another.

“You know,” Bethany said, “my parents are friends again. They’ve been divorced for decades, and now, they cook for one another and go for walks and tease each other.”

Nick’s eyes were hollow as though he wasn’t really listening. “Uh-huh.”

Bethany couldn’t bring herself to hope that she and Nick would be friends one day. Maybe he would surprise her; anything was possible. But right now, despite knowing it was foolish, all she could think of were Rod’s strong arms and his sturdy gaze. How he’d always put her above everything and everyone else. How he still respected her to his core.

“I’m going to make you some coffee,” Bethany said as she pulled her hair into a ponytail. “Tomorrow, we’ll call a real estate agent to put the house on the market. And I’ll get in contact with a divorce lawyer. We’ll get this squared away as quickly as possible.”

Nick bowed his head. “You’re always an overachiever, Bethany.” He said it with only a slight touch of annoyance. “But thank you. Really. It means the world.”

Chapter Nineteen

Rod and Renee weren’t fully prepared for the slog of Savannah humidity—the wall-like air that seemed practically impenetrable as soon as they exited the airport, which made it both hard to breathe and hard to laugh. During a walk from the hotel to the corner grocery store, Rod sweated through his T-shirt. He purchased an ice-cold Diet Coke and drank half of it before going back outside, a route that felt more like swimming than walking.

The hotel suite had two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a living room. Felix shared a bed with Renee the night they arrived, while Rod slept alone. Renee and Rod were apprehensive yet pretending to be upbeat and excited, reminding Felix of how brave he was and trying to make the entire experience feel like an adventure. They stayed up late watching cartoons and letting Felix make up stories and bounce on the bed. Rod tried to cherish every sweet thing he said.

Terrible things happened in surgery sometimes. Rod didn’t want to think about them, and he genuinely trusted Bethany with his heart and soul. But even still. Terrible thoughts crept into his head, obliterating his optimism for minutes at a time.

On the morning of Felix’s surgery, Renee and Rod checked Felix into the hospital, where Renee wheeled Felix in a wheelchair down the glossy hallways to his prep room. There, a nurse gave them a hospital gown and checked Felix’s vitals. She told him how brave he was, and Felix rolled his eyes as though he were tired of being told that.

“I love you, buddy,” Rod told him. “I’ll see you as soon as you’re done, okay?”

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