Page 31 of Trick of Light

“I can’t do this,” she said, staining his T-shirt with her tears. “I’m not good enough. I should go home before it gets worse. Before I really learn I can’t be a doctor.”

Rod wrapped his thick arms around her and held her on the twin-sized bed as she shook and shook. Over and over again, he said, “Shh, Bethany. You’re going to be okay. You’re so brilliant! You’re so wonderful! You’ll show them how brilliant and wonderful you really are!”

His words sounded weak at first. But as he repeated them, Bethany’s breathing slowed, and she closed her eyes, suddenly exhausted.

“You can’t put yourself through this,” Rod told her. “You have to go into this remembering you were selected just like everyone else. You’re here for a reason.”

Bethany felt uneven and shaky. She felt like she could have slept for one hundred years. “Just take me home, Rod,” she said. “I’ll get a job at the diner. I’ll make money all summer. And we can do everything we planned.” It suddenly felt horrible that Rod planned to leave her here. She couldn’t handle it alone.

“Come on,” Rod said. “Let’s get some food. Let’s figure this out.” He helped her to her feet and led her down the twelve stories of stairs to the thrashing chaos of a June evening in Manhattan. They scoured the streets until they found a burger place that sold “The Best Fries in the World.” Feeling brave, Rod ordered them two cans of beer, and the guy behind the counter didn’t card them. They sat in the sweltering heat of the little restaurant, sipping beer and holding hands over the table. The beer took the edge off the sharpness of Bethany’s day, and she breathed easier.

“This was always going to happen,” Rod said, smiling gently. “You were always going to go off and do amazing things. But remember, it’s only three and a half months! You’ll be back in Nantucket in no time.”

Bethany swallowed a big gulp of beer. “But we’re going to the same university, right?”

They’d spoken about this many times. They would go to the same undergraduate university, and then Rod would follow her wherever she went to medical school and residency.

“You know it,” Rod said. “You can’t get away from me.”

Bizarrely, Bethany thought now of all the gorgeous girls back in Nantucket—the girls who watched them angrily and with jealousy as they walked hand in hand down the hallway of Nantucket High. Nobody understood their relationship. But then again, nobody was in it except them. They didn’t know how strong it truly was. Their bond would never be broken.

“I do love you, Bethany Sutton,” Rod said, squeezing her hands over the table. “I can’t wait to watch your meteoric rise as you become the best doctor in the country.”

“And what will you become?” Bethany asked.

Rod thought for a moment. Over the years, he’d come up with several ideas—baseball player, architect, artist. Recently, though, he’d spoken about wanting to help people. Wanting to make a difference. Bethany knew he’d gotten that from her.

“Whatever it is,” Rod said, crunching through a french fry, “I want it to feel worthwhile. I want it to feel necessary.” He smiled. “But when we have children, know that I’m totally willing to stay at home with them and raise them. You’re meant to be in a hospital somewhere. And I’m happy to make sandwiches for the kids and watch you live out your dreams.”

Bethany was never sure how much she could believe him when he said something like that. It was the nineties, and things weren’t as they once were. But men staying home with the children was still a rarity. Could Rod really handle it? More than that, could he handle the ridicule from their peers?

But Rod had told her, over and over, that he didn’t care what anyone thought. All he cared about was Bethany and the life they were building. It was enough.

Chapter Fourteen

Present Day

After a morning of house calls, Rod took a moment to himself by the sea. He sat on the back edge of his truck with his legs dangling down, watching as the water surged over the sand and rocks and turned to foam. Overhead, clouds billowed into tight white curls, and sailboats tossed and tipped out at sea, threatening to flip over. It was one of those July days that reminded you that autumn was just around the corner. That time always had its way with you when it wanted to.

Rod drove back home to find Felix asleep on the couch and Renee in a heap on the floor. Her cheeks were blotchy. “He’s too tired to do anything today,” she explained, forcing herself up and over to the kitchen to pour herself and Rod another cup of coffee. Rod knew that neither of them was sleeping well. “The doctor wants to schedule another consultation for next week. Surgery the week after.” Her eyes looked hollow.

Rod collapsed at the kitchen counter and sipped his burnt coffee, which tasted old after so long in the pot. He didn’t care.

“How was work?” Renee asked.

Rod wanted to say it was fulfilling to help so many people, but it felt empty when compared to his grandson’s ill health. Nothing he did was enough anymore. It was as though his skin didn’t fit on his body or the sun didn’t hang in the sky the same way. Only when Felix had a clean bill of health could things return to normal. And even then, Rod knew he would always live in fear.

There was a knock on the door. Renee flinched as Rod stood.

“Are you expecting anyone?” Rod asked, wondering if Vinny had finally come around.

Renee shook her head.

“If it’s him,” Rod asked tentatively, “do you want me to let him in?”

Renee shook her head again, unable to look up at him.

Rod walked gingerly through the hallway to the foyer. He imagined what he would say to Vinny if he was on the other side of the door. “What kind of person do you think you are? Are you really so weak? Are you really such a waste of space?”

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