Page 58 of Forfeits

“I need to go,” I said, running a hand through my hair.

“But, your French toast!” Annie said, as the server brought our food to the table.

“I don’t need any fucking French toast!” I said, getting up and making my way hastily to the doors, gasping for breath and ready to heave the contents of my earlier breakfast onto the potted plants by the entrance.

“Fletcher!” Brian called after me, but I was gone, the door of the restaurant swinging and slamming behind me. My heart pounded in my ears as I tried to remember where I’d parked the car. Clammy sweat pooled in my armpits and behind my knees as I searched for it. I lurched over to the grass and puked, my stomach emptying itself as I gasped and coughed. When I was finished, I started walking aimlessly around the parking lot, before I remembered that I’d parked on the other side.

When I found my car, I unlocked the driver’s side door and yanked it open, then got in, slammed it shut, then locked it. I folded my arms on the steering wheel and sobbed.

It reminded me of the moment I’d learned about Daniel’s death and the way it had seemed like the Earth was turning too rapidly. I’d felt dizzy and nauseous, like I did now.

They couldn’t take Lucy from me. She was all I had left. She was the only thing that got me out of bed some days. And maybe that was selfish, but I knew Lucy wouldn’t want to live with Daniel’s parents. My home was her home—always had been. She loved those animals as much as she loved me—well, maybe more. Sure, she was still having disturbing dreams about Daniel and his death, but her therapist was working with her on that. And who was to say she wouldn’t keep having them if she did move in with Annie and Brian.

Goddamn it, I couldn’t even contemplate it. I was Lucy’s father, and I was still here. There had been a moment, in the aftermath of the accident, after Daniel had been buried and when I was only beginning to understand that I’d have to live the rest of my life without him, when I’d contemplated ending it all. But the next second showed me Lucy’s face, and I knew I’d never be able to take the easy way out. She was my anchor, and I had a feeling I was hers.

I was the best person to look after her, and Lucy knew it. They weren’t going to rip us apart.

When I was able to pull myself together, I drove home. The dogs could tell I was upset, and they swarmed me and bothered me as I charged upstairs to the bedroom. I noticed how cluttered and in disarray the place was. Maybe Lucy and I were messy, and I didn’t tidy up as much as I should. But Lucy helped me with some of the chores, and I made sure to do the basic cleaning every week. Sure, there was dog hair everywhere, and sometimes the dishes weren’t washed every day. But I’m sure I wasn’t the most slovenly parent out there.

Lucy wouldn’t be home from school for a few hours, so I had some time to think about what I was going to do. I had no idea if they could legally request full custody of my child. My name was on Lucy’s birth certificate, along with Daniel’s and the name of our surrogate, Tamara, which was legally required to be there, even though she had signed over all legal rights to parenting Lucy. Daniel had assured me that in Ontario, I didn’t have to go through the process of formally adopting my own child, but now I kind of wished I had. If Annie and Brian could prove I was unfit to be Lucy’s parent, maybe they could take her.

The thought made me want to vomit again.

I picked up my phone and found Annie’s contact info. I texted her.

Annie, if you say anything about this to Lucy, I will never forgive you. I’m not going to tell her we had this discussion. And know that if you do take me to court over this, I will fight you with everything I have. And you’ll be doing more to hurt Lucy, when she’s already been hurt so much.

I waited on tenterhooks for her reply. It came about fifteen minutes later.

We didn’t mean to upset you, Fletcher. But we will be looking into this. And we may have to ask Lucy what she thinks about it.

I hit the Call button. Annie picked up after a couple of rings.

“Don’t you think she’s gone through enough?” I said, choking on emotion. “She’s so much better than she was, Annie. We’re doing really good. I’m so much better now. We’re both in therapy.”

“Fletcher, I really am sorry, but Brian and I think—”

“Annie, please. I’m begging you not to make Lucy choose. You may not like the outcome, and it’s going to cause her so much pain—”

There was a pause. “She’s twelve years old, Fletcher. Don’t you think a young woman needs a…a female influence?”

I wanted to scream, but I held on to my anger by a thread. “I can’t have this conversation with you.”

“You called me, Fletcher. What happens when Lucy starts menstruating? Will you be buying her supplies? Will you be talking to her about sex and all of that?”

The shock and disbelief at those words pushed some of my anger away. I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it in my hand. I tried to stay calm as I lifted it to my ear again.

“Lucy got her first period over a year ago, Annie. I’m surprised she didn’t tell you about it.” Yeah, that was a dig. “We talk about all kinds of things, including various topics in sexuality, gender and feminism.” I put a hand to my forehead. “Just because I wasn’t born with a vulva and a uterus doesn’t mean I’m incapable of understanding the female perspective.”

There was a tiny snort, but then an apology. “I’m sorry. You’re probably right.”

Probably?

“I’m sorry, Fletcher, but I can’t help thinking that it would be better for Lucy to live with us. I have to go, but we need to continue this discussion. Please be open minded and consider our viewpoint. We’ve lost our son, and we’d like to raise his daughter. Goodbye.”

She disconnected, and I was left staring at my phone with increasing rage and a sense of helplessness. I wanted to throw it across the room, like a frustrated adolescent. But I needed to be mature, and handle this like a grown man.

And I needed to tell someone.

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