Page 16 of Forfeits

“Also, Ms. Kelly doesn’t let us call her by her first name. What’s up with that?”

I laughed. “Well, not all teachers are comfortable with it. I guess it’s her choice, right?”

“Sure, sure.”

We got home and Lucy went downstairs to play video games. I was pretty lax when it came to homework, letting her sort things out. She was twelve and seemed able to pinpoint what she needed to work on versus what was simply busy work that the teacher handed out to appease that subset of parents who assumed they weren’t teaching properly if they didn’t assign work to do at home. Her marks were consistently great, so I didn’t come down on her about how she spent her free time. And, after Daniel had passed, video gaming was both an escape and a way to connect with his memory, since he was the one who had gotten her into it, much to my chagrin.

“Daniel, I think Lucy’s too young for video games.”

“What? It’s LEGO Star Wars,” Daniel said, showing me the front of the game. “I picked up LEGO Indiana Jones, too.”

“Huh. You don’t think they’ll be too violent?”

He showed me the package, pointing at a large E in a box in the corner. “Rated E for Everyone. 10+.”

“But she’s seven.”

He gave me a look.

I gave him a look.

“Okay, technically. But we both know she’s a lot more advanced than other kids.”

“Sure. But…”

“Relax. They’ll help her with hand-eye coordination, and I bet she’s going to love playing them.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Just her? Something tells me you’ve been waiting for an excuse to try these out.”

Daniel grinned. “Okay, fine. You know me too well. Trust me. It’ll be great.”

He’d been right. Lucy had been hooked from the start. Now she had moved on to more mature games, and we occasionally had battles over what was and wasn’t appropriate for her. She’d been after me to buy The Last of Us, because some of her friends played it, but it was rated Mature 17+ and I was hesitant. I’d told her she’d have to wait until she was fourteen, which was still three years younger than the rating suggested.

She’d rolled her eyes and told me that she’d literally watched gamers play it on YouTube, so she knew all about it. I’d held fast, though.

So far.

* * * *

For two weeks I vacillated between anxiety and excitement. I worried that Aiden wouldn’t call me. I worried that he would. I worried that he’d want to go somewhere that reminded me of my time with Daniel, and I’d have to explain why I didn’t want to go there. I worried that we’d go to dinner, he’d turn out to be nothing like I hoped he was and I’d have to awkwardly find an excuse to leave. Or that he’d be more wonderful than I hoped, then…then we’d go for a second date, and a third, and at some point I’d want to have sex with this gorgeous creature and… Oh, who was I kidding? I already wanted to have sex with Aiden.

Those months after Daniel’s death, when I’d get drunk and pick up a friendly young guy at a local club to enjoy on a purely physical level, had been exhausting and mind-numbingly shallow. And the guilt that hit me afterward was never worth it.

Now I’d give myself frantic hand jobs when I was horny, thinking about random porn videos, while I tried to be quiet. Even though Lucy’s room was at the other end of the house, I was paranoid she’d hear me.

I hadn’t had full-on sex with anyone but Daniel for the past fifteen years—and he’d been gone for three of those.

But I craved it. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and say I didn’t.

And apparently, I craved the submission, too—the suffering for someone special that for some reason quieted my brain and body and fulfilled me.

I was pretty sure Aiden was a Dom, from the impression I’d got at the club so long ago, and also from what Lucy had said about his teaching style. But I had no idea if he still liked to engage with men that way. It could have been a passing fancy. And there was no guarantee he’d want to Dom me.

* * * *

Lucy was despondent when she came home from school the first week of Ms. Kelly’s return.

“Why can’t we have Aiden as our regular teacher!” she moaned on Wednesday, tossing her backpack on the chair and putting her arms around Eddy, who had come to welcome her home. Cocoa wagged her tail from her spot on the sofa.

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