Page 36 of Regal Queen

Nine

The silence was deafening.

The ringing in my ear from before had slowly disappeared, replaced by a muted sound.

A noise that should be there but wasn’t. Like being drowned underwater, which was exactly how I was feeling. After watching that video, ghosts haunted my every step. Was Coulter's mom in the same place as Ivan now? Or was there only a nothingness beyond this world?

Bourbon appeared in the doorway of my room and I turned towards him, wishing he was with me in the bed, comforting me. His eyes took me in, that piercing stare that seemed to catch everything. And yet, he stayed in the doorway, too far away to touch, too far for me to read, like one of my ghosts.

My throat was parched again and I tried to swallow it down, the sandpaper that scratched at my throat every time it bobbed.

“Rose.” Bourbon's deep voice made my insides tremble. I clamped down on my lower lip, gnawing at it like it would save me from the nothingness I was feeling.

“Yes?” My own voice was scratchy, like an unused record, even thought it wasn’t.

Finally he stepped into the room, and the light from the moon reflected the concern in his gaze. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, pulling my jacket around my shoulders, needing the warmth. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Eyebrows furrowed and his gaze moved to my fingers, clutched so tight into the material of the coat. “So that Ivan’s coat?”

I gnawed on my lip, not saying a word, and he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Of course it is.” Then he slid his hands into his pockets and turned towards the closed bathroom door. “Is Coulter showering?”

“Yes. I was waiting up for him before I fell asleep but,” I paused, the sandpaper in my throat scratching again at my attempt to swallow, “he’s taking a long time.”

He nodded, not looking at me but staring at the door, his hands still in his pockets but on his face was an angry look. I wished I could read his mind, know what he was thinking. He was an enigma that I’d decided I would never understand.

We stayed like that for a long time, staring at the doorway, waiting for Coulter to emerge.

It felt like forever but finally, the door opened, framing Coulter's body in the light from the bathroom. He was wearing sweatpants and nothing else and, as he moved into the room, still toweling off his hair, he ignored Bourbon and strode towards me.

I didn't say anything, not when I noticed the swollen and red rimmed edges of his eyes, not when he dropped the towel onto the floor then crawled on the bed towards me like a panther, and not when he grasped my chin to stare into my eyes.

“Are you okay?" His voice was soft and tired-sounding.

I nodded, my voice low. “Are you?”

He kept my gaze for a long moment, finally answering. “No.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

Briefly closing his eyes, he bushed his lips over mine softly, and I opened my arms, welcoming him into my embrace. Settling under the covers, he laid his head against my stomach, his large body engulfing mine as I held him. Then he closed his eyes and relaxed against me, immediately beginning to fall asleep, and suddenly I was afraid.

Afraid I wouldn’t be enough to save this big man in my arms.

Afraid I wouldn’t ever get through to Bourbon.

Afraid I wasn’t enough for anyone.

Suddenly Bourbon was leaning over me, moving so silently that I hadn’t notice him enter. He had a bottle of water in his hands, and he held it out to me. “Take it.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want it.” I didn’t want anything Bourbon was offering.

I couldn’t, because every time I took something from him, I became more and more his, and I couldn’t do it any more.

I needed to belong to myself, to own all the scattered pieces of my heart.

I was afraid I’d never be whole again.

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