Page 31 of Regal Queen

Eight

Almost dying changes you.

Things become more clear. You finally know what you really want in life. You know who you hate, who you loathe, and who you really love.

Lily had always been a dream to me, something that I'd tried to hold on to, even though she always felt like she was just within reach but that I could never really capture. Like trying to catch a cloud, or a mist of fog.

I didn’t know if it was because she could never pick between me and Bourbon, or if it was something else, but there was always this far away look on her face. Like she wanted to escape the world I was giving her and fly away into the a star filled sky.

Regardless, she could never be captured, not really, and even in death, I was still clinging to her memory, trying to capture her, trying to make her mine.

When all reality, she wasn't.

She never had been.

And pretending otherwise was foolishness.

When I was lying on that floor, dying, staring up into Bourbon's face, I immediately knew two things.

First, Bourbon loved me. He loved me with the fierceness of a thousand warriors, and had protected me all my life with the same ferocity. The fact that he’d been there, trying to save my life, instead of running after Rose, was telling in and of itself.

Hewas choosing me.

The second thing I also knew, is that when I first hit the ground, when I felt my heart stutter and seize, the pain so unbearable that it eventually knocked me out, was that my heart truly belonged to Lily.

Not Rose.

In those moments of almost death, her face hovered over me like an apparition so real that for a moment I thought it was Rose.

And that, by playing this game between Bourbon and I, by being an obnoxious asshole to her and Bourbon, it was cruel and unnecessary. Selfish.

I needed to let Rose go.

I still wanted her, god, did I want her. Every time she was near, my heart pounded so loud I was surprised that everyone in the room couldn’t hear it. I longed to touch her, hold her, kiss her. And every time Bourbon pushed her away, every time he hurt her, I wanted to smash my fist in his face.

But it wasn’t fair to take her when I still had these lingering feelings for Lily.

And even though I’d grown to love Rose for who she was and not because how similar she was to Lily, I didn’t believe that I would ever be able to love Rose in the way that she needed.

I would always see Lily in her and Rose deserved more than that.

And so, I lead her to believe that I didn’t want her in that way anymore. I encouraged her to go after Bourbon, then I comforted her when he rebuffed her, even though it killed me inside. Because I knew that, despite the way he was treating her now, he genuinely loved her.

This indifference was all an act.

He’d been obsessed with finding and rescuing her. The only time I’d ever seen him this worried about anyone besides me was with Lily.

Upon the moment of my almost-death, I knew that Rose didn't belong to me. I was done punishing her for looking like Lily, and determined to let go of the flittering ghost of my past.

And now, all I had to do was convince Bourbon of the same.

It was night, and my bed was empty. Rose was gone. She’d slipped away as I’d slept, and I woke, feeling empty inside.

I pushed the feeling aside, get used to it, I told myself.

Suddenly, Bourbon’s form filled my doorway, speak of the devil. Rose wasn’t by his side.

Running my hand through my hair, I glanced at the empty bed next to me. "Where's Rose? Is she with you?”

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