Page 109 of All My Love

I can’t speak.

My mind is stuck on Stella moving on, on Stella looking at someone that way, a way that I used to think was just for me, special.

“Well, you look like you have somewhere to go,” Rhonda says, and I look to her, lightheaded and confused, but her smile…

Even years from now, I know that smile will haunt me.

“Have a great day, Riggins.”

Then she turns, the cashier I was begging to come just minutes ago now standing there confused. Rhonda walks over to her excitedly, like she’s an old friend she hasn’t seen in ages, even though she hates the working class of Ashford more almost as much as she hates me.

I force my feet to move, to take me out of the grocery store. Fresh air. I need fresh air.

But when I get out there, it’s not enough.

I can’t get enough in my lungs. It’s not air I need.

It’s oblivion.

And without the hope of winning back Stella, I let myself fall into it.

43 DIAL DRUNK

THEN

RIGGINS

The red and blue lights flash as I sit on the curb, an officer standing over me as I hit send on the phone.

I only have one number memorized, but it’s fine. It’s the only one I need.

When I picked up the first beer I bought at the small liquor store next to the grocery store, I knew I did something wrong. Deep in my gut, I knew I made the wrong choice, those bright, sunny sunflowers in my passenger seat staring at me as I sat in the driveway of my childhood home and drank it down in one gulp.

I fucked up.

What were the chances that Rhonda Hart, who has hated me for as long as I can remember, was telling the whole truth?

Probably low.

But there I sat, digging myself deep in the same way my father did, drinking to mask the heartbreak and grief.

And now I’m on the curb waiting for my car to get towed for driving intoxicated.,

It rings and rings and rings before the answering machine picks up. I fumble the phone, hitting end and quickly redialing, hoping the officer who let me make a call from his phone won’t mind.

It rings and rings again, and the dread curls in my gut before the ringing stops.

“Hello?” she asks. Her voice sounds distorted and strange down the line, but I don’t care.

I can’t care: she answered. She answered and everything is going to be okay now. I hear my voice crack as I speak.

“Stella. Stella. I need help.” I mean it more than just in this moment. I need help with getting my life together. I needed help when I was convinced I could get sober and healthy alone. I need help before I become my father. “I fucked up,” I say into the phone, and then spill it all.

“I need help. I’m a drunk, and I need to go to rehab, and Stella, I’m so fucking scared of losing you for good. You are my other half, and I want to get better for you. I don’t care if you’re with that asshole; you were always meant to be mine. It was always you for me, Stell. I want to be everything you need me to be, but I need to get sober first. I don’t know if I can do it without you. I don’t know if I want to do it without you. You’re my person. My best friend, the love of my life. I fucked up today, and I shouldn’t have been drinking, but I know I need to do something to get better. I’m begging you to give me the chance to prove I’m what you need. I just…” I swallow back a sob. I should be embarrassed, my words slurring and in cohesive, but I don’t know if there’s room for embarrassment at rock bottom. “I just need you, Stella. I love you.”

Silence fills the line before there’s a sigh.

“Riggins?”

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