Page 64 of Every Time I Go on Vacation, Someone Dies

I bite the inside of my cheek.

This is, unfortunately, exactly what my editor said about Harper’s book. And my agent, too, though I’ve never told Harper I gave her the manuscript. And when I finally read it, I could see what they meant, which was the worst feeling in the world. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Harper about any of it, which is why she thinks I haven’t read it yet.

Sometimes it’s kinder to lie.

“You can’t let one person’s opinion affect you that much. Especially not Connor’s.”

“It’s not just him. It’s what everyone thinks. Even you.”

“That’s not true—”

“Don’t, okay? Just don’t. I tried. I wrote the best novel I could, and it got rejected everywhere. Over and over.”

“You know I’d change that if I could. But this… That’s been true for a while now. What changed?”

“You know.”

“I don’t.”

“Honestly, El? Sometimes you’re so… You have what I want, and you’re just going to throw it away?”

My throat feels tight. “You know why I have to do it.”

“Do I? Yeah, Connor’s annoying. I have to deal with him more than you do. But if you end the series, do you think you’re going to get away from him? There’s going to be a million think pieces, and pressure from the publisher, and the fans won’t even believe he’s dead.”

“But that will die down, and then I’ll be free.”

“Free of what?”

I bite the inside of my cheek and taste blood. “They don’t want me unless I write about him. That’s a cage.”

“Looks pretty gilded to me.”

“We’re supposed to be talking about you, not me.”

“There is no me without you, don’t you get it? That’s the problem.”

I sing a line from that Taylor Swift song “Anti-Hero,” about me being the problem.

“Please don’t make light of this.”

“I’m sorry, I just… You don’t feel that way, do you?” We stare at each other, and I can hear my heart pounding loudly in my ears. “Oh my God, you do.”

“It’s complicated, El. We’re complicated.”

“I know I stole your dream. I didn’t mean to.”

“But you did.”

“I wish I could take it back.”

“You don’t.”

My heart feels like it’s breaking. “I’m not sure what to say.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. You matter. You matter to me.”

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