Page 58 of Every Time I Go on Vacation, Someone Dies

“Is he dead?” I ask, my voice nearly unrecognizable.

Oliver leans over his face, seeing if he can feel a breath on his cheek. Then Oliver grabs his wrist, checking for a pulse, and he must not find one because he’s positioning Connor to start CPR when Connor suddenly sits up, very much alive.

Not even remotely dead.

That motherfucker.

“Get off me!” Connor says and gives Oliver a shove that sends him tumbling to the floor.

Oliver reaches his hands back to stop himself, but it’s not enough. He skids across the hard tile and then comes to a stop several feet away.

“You’re alive,” I say to Connor as I haul Harper to her feet. Her whole body’s shaking. “He’s alive, Harper. The fucker’s alive.”

“As you see.” Connor swings his legs around and places his bare feet on the floor. He’s wearing pajama bottoms, but no shirt. He looks down at Oliver. “You all right, mate?”

Oliver glares at him.

“What the hell just happened?” Guy says, the first after Oliver to arrive. His question is echoed by the others as they pile up behind him like they’ve been spat out of a clown car.

“Who screamed this time?”

“Is someone hurt?”

“What’s happening?”

“Why is Oliver on the floor?”

Connor starts to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” I say.

“You should see yourselves. And that scream. Harper, I’m impressed. Almost as good as Allison’s yesterday.”

“This was some kind of joke?” Harper says.

“It was a wake-up call.” He turns to me. “The way your heart’s feeling right now? How panicked you are? That’s how you’ll be feeling all the time if you kill me.”

“You should do it,” Guy says from behind me. “I’ll even help you.”

“You hear that? The whole reason he has a career is because of me, and he wants to do away with me.”

“I think that’s on you, mate,” Oliver says.

“Can someone fill me in?” Allison asks.

“He faked his death,” I say. “That’s why Harper was screaming.”

Everyone starts speaking at once, a cacophony of “what the hells” and “you must be jokings,” and some words that aren’t fit to print.70

Thank God we have the whole floor. Any outside guests would be asking for a refund.

“Where is she?” Oliver asks Connor with a hard edge to his voice.

“Who?”

“Isabella. Wasn’t she here last night?”

Connor laughs again. “Jealous?”

---