Page 87 of Princes of Carnage

I struggle against his hold, trying to twist out of his grip. My other hand lashes out, landing a solid punch against the side of his face, and Killian doesn’t react to that either. He wrenches me around so that my back is to his front and then shoves me up against the side of the house, boxing me in.

He snatches the knife from my hold, and I snarl in anger as he manages to break my grip.

I can feel the solidness of him, the strength in the way he keeps me pinned. My heart thumps hard in my chest, and my breathing is ragged. In this position, with my adrenaline pumping from our struggle, I can’t believe I didn’t realize that Killian was Phantom before today. Now I recognize the feel of him, even with his scent being different from the man I knew at the club.

I recognize the way he boxes me in, the way his body looms over me, immovable as a brick wall. There’s nothing sexual in the way he’s pinning me now, at least not overtly, but that doesn’t really matter. Because it’s the same scenario, really. Me trying to get away from him, him holding me right where he wants me.

It sends the same rush of heat through me, making me feel just as helpless and under his control. Only now there’s more anger behind it than arousal.

I gasp for air, my emotions still a mess. Everything is swirling around in my head in a chaotic tumble, and I can’t decide what I should be feeling right now.

Exhaustion from the day I’ve had creeps through my veins as the burst of adrenaline fades, and I slump in Killian’s hold a bit, letting some of the fight bleed out of me.

When I speak, my voice comes out sounding rough.

“Why did you do it?” I whisper. “Why did you stalk me? Why did you fuck me anonymously in that place?”

For a long time, Killian doesn’t speak. He’s silent, the way I’m used to him being. As himself, he’s barely said a word to me. Phantom at least talked. He said filthy things to me in that deep voice of his, breaking down my walls and making me beg for him. He always seemed to know just the right thing to say, and his words alone were almost enough to send me over the edge.

Killian has just been closed-off and unreadable, and it’s hard to know which side of him is the real one.

He’s quiet for so long that I assume I’ve gotten my answer… but then he surprises me by speaking.

“I don’t understand people.” His voice is a low rumble, and I can feel it vibrating through his chest where it’s pressed against my back. “I’ve never been able to understand them. To relate to them. But I understand you.”

I blink, caught off guard by that. “What are you talking about? You don’t even know me. Following me around, fucking me with a mask on—that doesn’t mean you understand me. And you still haven’t answered my question. Why?”

There’s another beat of silence, but this one feels more like he’s gathering his thoughts than refusing to answer, so I force myself to wait it out.

“You’re… unavoidable,” he says. “I followed you for the first time a couple of years ago. There was a stand-off between our gangs, and you were with your father when he came to deal with it.”

“Back when my dad was still alive.” It’s not really a question, but it’s crazy to me that he’s been doing this for that long.

I feel him nod. “As soon as I saw you standing beside Jonah, I couldn’t seem to look away. I was very aware of you. Your bright hair, the way you held yourself.”

“How did I hold myself?”

“Like there was a part of you that you were hiding,” he says, his breath tickling my ear. “You had this confidence, this easy grace, but there was something else too. Something I could sense beneath the surface. I wanted to know what it was.”

I frown, trying to remember the day he’s talking about. There were plenty of confrontations between Carnage and Enigma when my dad was in charge. I was there for several of them, backing my dad up, making sure shit didn’t get too out of hand. None of them really stand out as all that noteworthy for Killian to decide to start stalking me.

But he keeps talking. “I saw you later, after the stand-off had broken up, and that was the first time I followed you. I didn’t even think about it, really. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It was like you were the moon and I was the tide.”

“Why?” I ask again, feeling like he’s doing everything but answering my question. “Why me?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. “You weren’t even doing anything all that striking. I saw you in a moment alone, and it was like I got a small glimpse of that hidden piece of you. You seemed… frustrated. On edge. Like you didn’t quite fit in your own skin. And I felt like I could understand your emotions completely in that moment. That had never happened to me before. Not with anyone.”

It does make sense that I would have been frustrated after a run in with the Princes of Carnage. My dad never wanted to let the rivalry between our gangs turn into anything serious. There were scrapes and spats here and there, but nothing that would lead to a full-on bloodbath. I probably wanted to push for teaching Nico and his people a lesson, and Dad probably told me to stand down. That’s all I can really think that Killian would have seen.

What he’s describing sounds like such a mundane moment, but what strikes me most is the way he seems to have been able to pick apart my emotions so clearly. He’s not wrong that I’ve often felt like I don’t quite fit, like something in my life is missing. But I work hard to keep that part of myself hidden behind a mask, especially since I became leader of Enigma.

And the fact that he could see it makes me wonder what else he can see in me.

“I started following you on purpose after that. Just here and there. And then more often.” Killian pauses, shifting his weight a bit. He presses closer against me, so that our bodies are touching practically from head to toe, and my breath catches as he murmurs, “I saw you go to that sex club. Le Bal Masque. I wasn’t sure you knew what you were in for. I wasn’t sure you understood.”

“That’s insulting,” I mutter under my breath. “I’m not an idiot.”

“I know. But I still didn’t like the idea of anyone else touching you, so I kept the other men away from you. And then I realized what you wanted. What you came there for.”

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