Page 63 of When I Had You

Brother two: Noah tried to talk to me when we first took off this morning, but I told him I wanted to rest and put on headphones, purposely blocking him out. I almost felt bad, but considering what I did to his sister, I thought it best to stay away from idle chitchat about what we’ve been up to.

Brother three: I’m sure I’ll see him later in the week. Loch tends to fly in the day before the qualifier. I’ll be on the lookout to avoid him at all costs. He’s the least predictable when it comes to how he’ll react if he finds out about me and Marina.

I worry less about her parents. They’re not always at the track, and they let their grown kids lead their own lives.

Although there are no signs whatsoever of anyone knowing a single detail of what I’ve been up to, the truth is that I feel like they can tell I slept with her. Now that it’s safe to stand, I whisper to Duncan, “I’m getting a bottle of water.” I try to catch my reflection in the window on the way out to see if the words guilty or sister-fucker are written across my forehead.

I don’t notice anything, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less culpable about what they would deem a crime against their family.

But she was divine.

Fuck. I can’t do this. I start thinking about anything that will keep those memories from popping up, but when they’re that good, I know I won’t win this battle.

Pulling open the fridge, I grab the water and drink some before spotting the balcony. Maybe the fresh air will wake me up or get my mind back on track. I sit on a lounge chair and take another gulp of water.

Exhaustion is the enemy in this sport. I’m starting to think it’s a good thing she’s banned from the race. Otherwise, I’d be even less focused if that’s possible.

The low-key night at home I had planned didn’t go that way. I’m definitely feeling the drag in my bones today. This morning I was a fucking mess, rushing to throw clothes into a suitcase. I forgot half my stuff. The thirty minutes I dedicated to a failed attempt to wake Sleeping Beauty might be to blame.

I take her need for rest and recovery as a feather in my cap.

“Hey.” Looking up, I see Duncan coming outside with a cup of coffee in hand. When he leans against the railing and rubs the bridge of his nose, I know something is on his mind.

“How’s it going?”

“Good. Good.” He looks out over the paddock, his eyes trained on something in the distance, something that’s not me, so I know a lecture is coming. “How’s it going with you?” He finally glances over.

“Should we jump a few steps ahead and just get it over with?”

“If you’re up for it.” He sips his coffee, then rests his arm on the railing so he’s fully facing me.

I stand and rest against the railing as well. With a good seven feet between, it feels like a space that’s safe to discuss my personal life. “We might need to make some adjustments.”

He nods, but a smile appears as well. “We can do that. Same girl?”

“Nothing happened that night. I know it’s hard for everyone to believe, but it wasn’t anything like what was reported. It wasn’t a thing.”

“And now it is?”

Angling forward, I study the track at turn one, wondering if I should be saying anything. It’s for me, better for my performance if he’s in on what’s going on in my life. Glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one’s coming out or can hear us, I turn to him and lower my voice, “I want it to be.”

I don’t know how I expected him to react, but it wasn’t grinning like he just got secret intel about winning the lottery. “This is good, Cash. Cullen aside, it’s been a long time since you’ve spent time with someone who makes you happy.” He stands upright and drinks coffee. “I think we’re going to do runs each morning.”

“Why?”

“If we start the day with a run, I want you to let your mind cover any thoughts regarding anyone or anything else. Just run it out of your system. Then you’ll be present in meetings, unlike what you were back there.”

I twist the cap of the bottle and stare at him. “That’s the adjustments? Run her out of my system? I don’t think it’s possible.”

* * *

“I can’t run.” I suck in a harsh breath. “I can’t think.” I rest my hands on my knees and continue gasping for air.

“Took five days, but it finally worked like a charm,” Duncan says, not huffing half as hard as I am, though we just completed the same run. Fucker. He pats me on the back. “You’re ready for tomorrow.”

I watch as he walks ahead into the sunrise while I collapse on the ground, arms wide, hoping to breathe normally again one day. I thought he had won his case until I stared at the sky. The first thing to pop into my head is Marina—the photo she sent of her staring up at the sky in Vancouver and how she said no matter where we are, the universe still connects us.

She doesn’t tend to hide much, especially her feelings, which I learned early on.

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