Page 49 of When I Had You

But it’s not fear in Marina’s eyes. It’s tears. She looks up at the sky as if she can will them away. Between saying goodbye to Cullen and seeing her staring at me like I just hung the moon for her, my chest constricts. I don’t let many people into my real life, but I’m glad she’s a part of it now.

Standing back up, I pick him up and anchor him on my hip. Sure, he can walk, but I just want him closer these last few minutes. “I think it’s best—”

“We’ll wait here,” my mom says, tapping Marina’s arm with care. She gives Cullen a big hug and kiss, making sure to leave that lipstick mark on his face. I think it’s because Terpidy once called her gross for kissing him, even on the cheek.

My mom has never been a vengeful person, but what can I say? The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Cullen reaches out to hug Marina, who happily obliges his silent request. After the goodbyes, I carry him up the block, stopping at the base of the stairs. We both look up and then at each other. Just to be sure, I ask, “Are you okay?”

He nods. “Are you okay, Daddy?”

“I’ll be okay.” I give him one more hug and a kiss on the head before setting him on his feet. “Take care, buddy. I love you.”

“I love you.” He dashes up the stairs and pushes the button.

It takes a minute, but Terpidy opens the door. She looks at him and grins, kneeling to hug Cullen before shooting daggers at me. She scoots him inside the brownstone but stays, leaning her lithe frame against the entry. Crossing her arms over her chest, I can see by the determined look in her eyes that she’s looking for a fight. “How many more races do you have left?”

We worked out custody based on our individual schedules, so I’m not sure why she’s coming at me with this question. “I have races into December.”

“I can’t miss the next runway season because I’m stuck here babysitting.”

“It’s not babysitting when it’s your own kid. It’s parenting.”

She rights herself, her arms falling to her sides. “I need to work, Cash.” She’s a pain in my ass, but she’s still popular in the modeling world. Or so I thought. I guess I didn’t realize she wasn’t working.

Grabbing the concrete railing, I rest a foot on the first step. “We worked out the visitation schedule through the attorneys. I’ve paid you more than the required child support because I know you missed a few shows.”

“Because Cullen was sick, and I had no one to take care of him.”

I practice the breathwork Duncan taught me to lower my blood pressure. This whole issue angered me when it happened, so that she’s throwing it in my face again is beyond infuriating. “My mom was available. She offered. You refused. That’s not no one,” I say, needing to temper myself. “That’s his grandmother who loves him and would love to care for him.” When she glances down the street from where we came, I ask, “What’s this really about, Terpidy?”

Pressing her hand to her chest, she bends forward. “I can’t be here all the time. You’re off playing in cars and shamelessly sleeping around while I’m here raising your son.”

There it is . . . she saw the story. Will it ever fucking die down?

Although it’s none of her fucking business what or who I do in my own time, as it’s also none of mine what she does in her free time unless it involves our son, her irritation tracks. She’s got a jealous streak that’s caused problems in the past. Ironic since she never cared about me, as she stated in court when fighting for monetary compensation in a judgment against me.

I’ve grown a lot. Giving in to her tantrums is just one way I don’t indulge her anymore. “An entire team and company rely on me. Cullen and my mom do as well.”

“What about my dreams?”

“We’ve worked out the schedule. If it’s not a good fit, my mom said she’ll take him a couple of nights a week. We can rearrange it to better suit your needs, but unless you let him travel with me—”

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you, Cash? To take him so I look bad.”

“I would love to bring him with me, but it would have nothing to do with making you look one way or the other.”

“I don’t want to turn down any more campaigns.”

I’m over here trying to do anything I can to have more time with Cullen while she wants less. I can’t wrap my head around what she’s thinking. She fought me in court when I would have taken full custody. I begged her for it. I believed her speech in the judge’s office.

I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt because maybe it was true back then. We all change, for better or worse.

No matter what, though, Cullen deserves two parents willing to fight for him. It’s clear that I’m the only one left in the battle. “You have my mom’s number if you need a break or to take a job. I’ll see you in ten days.”

She goes inside and shuts the door without any response. A million questions are left unanswered, including if my son is in a stable environment. He appears in the window with a big grin for his daddy and waves.

I wave and give him a smile in return. I couldn’t not. Smiling comes easy with him.

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