Page 106 of When I Had You

“They’re here.” I scamper from the terrace to answer the door. “Come in. Come in.” I bend and give my best buddy a big hug. “How are you?”

“Hungry,” Cullen complains, his mom shuffling him inside the apartment.

“Your dad has snacks on the terrace.” He drops his backpack against the back of the couch and is gone as soon as I mention food. “He’s growing fast. Soon, he’ll be taller than me since I’m the shorty around here.” I’m not that short, but Cullen will be tall like his dad and model mom.

I turn to Terpidy and smile. “How are you doing?”

There’s a shyness, which I understand and relate to. We’re not close friends, but we’re friendly and in this together. We get along well, but for Cash, boundaries are best kept in place.

Terpidy smiles, and it appears genuine. “I can’t stay long.”

We stand there together. I rock back on my heels and make small talk. “Any fun plans?”

“I have a date tonight that I’m looking forward to. A great guy I met years ago. He has a daughter a little older than Cullen. They all get along.” I can see how much she cares about him by how her whole personality comes to life.

“Sounds really nice.”

“The place looks nice. You’ve really made it home.”

I look around seeing a few pieces of mine that I’ve added over the time I’ve lived here—a green vase on the island that Cash fills with flowers each week, a small painting I found in the Paris flea market when I traveled with Cash to the race in September, and bright yellow cushions on the couch that don’t match at all but somehow soften the harsher darks of the main fabric.

It’s not mine, but I love the present I gave Cash for winning his first podium this season in August—a large-framed photo hanging in the dining area that a popular photographer friend of mine, Story Salenger, took of Cullen last summer in Central Park.

“Thank you.”

She opens her mouth and then stops, closing it. “I—”

“I—”

We both say at the same time. I say, “You go first.”

Nodding, she starts, “I, um. I just wanted to tell you how much Cullen adores you. He talks about you all the time.”

Sometimes I wonder if it bothers her that we get along so well, so I’m glad she brought it up, even if it’s a little uncomfortable. “I adore him.” I feel this is the time to tell her what’s really on my mind. “I’ll respect you and Cash as his parents.”

Reaching over, she touches the top of my hand. “I know. I appreciate it.” She glances out the glass doors, watching Cullen and Cash on the terrace, and says, “I used to drink on race days.” When her eyes return to mine, her expression falls. “I struggled to let go of the image of the family I imagined I should have.”

How does she see this going? I glance back at Cash, silently worrying I’m crossing a line I shouldn’t without him. “That can be hard to reconcile.”

“Don’t worry, it was reconciled a long time ago. Cash and I are oil and water. Things are how they should be.” She leans in and whispers, “I’m so glad he found you. You saved his life.”

This time I open my mouth, but then close it, thinking about what she said. I always thought he saved me, like on the red carpet. But when I look back over my shoulder, I think she might be right. Cash didn’t care about anything but Cullen and his career.

Now he has a life.

I cross the imaginary line and give her a hug. She hesitates at first, but then she embraces me. I whisper, “Thank you.” I don’t break down how grateful I am that they were a disaster or how she didn’t just make him a father, she helped create Cullen. I have him in my life because of the role she played in his. Tears well in the corners of my eyes.

“I’ve been so emotional lately.” Stepping back, I dab with my knuckles, laughing at myself.

She starts to laugh. “Maybe you’re pregnant.”

And then dead silence.

It’s a few seconds before my mind catches up to the conversation, and I laugh, though even I don’t hear the humor in it. “There’s no chance. I’m on birth control.”

Suddenly, she’s backtracking toward the door as we stare at each other. She turns and steps into the hallway, and then says, “So was I. Have a good time.”

As soon as the door closes, I grab my phone and text Poppy:

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