Page 71 of When I Had You

Cash steals a few minutes in the bathroom before returning to kiss me, where I was left a bag of naked jelly bones on the bed. I use the last of my strength to push through the familiar soreness beginning to return and wrap myself around him again.

Carrying me to the door like a bag of groceries he doesn’t want to drop, he unplucks his lips from mine and says, “I hate this.”

“You just said,” I start to tease, but my heart’s not in it. “I hate this, too.” I drop my head on his shoulder and breathe him in. “I’ll see you next weekend.”

“Next weekend, then.” Cracking the door open, he keeps me hidden behind it as he leans his head against mine. “I wanted to tell you something.” I don’t interrupt with careless words when I’m feeling so sad. I just need to hear him and memorize his voice, though I know I’ll be talking to him soon. “You’re beautiful, not just in looks, though that’s stellar, but the way you make me feel, the way you treated my son and my mom. I saw you smile at something on the TV at my apartment, and it was as if the sun had risen at night.” I’m not sure, but I think I hear him gulp, or it’s me trying to choke down the emotion I’m holding in. We’re both struggling to swallow as he shares his soul with me.

He says, “I can’t stop thinking about you and that chocolate.” I laugh, but it’s not as free since I’m having to let him go. “The way you bounced from joy or the sugar. I’m not quite sure, but you’re so fucking adorable and filled with life, the life I’ve been missing from mine. I feel alive when I’m with you, when I hear your laughter, your voice as you drift to sleep, the vivid detail you go into over the minutest thing. I love every word out of your mouth, the breath that you breathe, the smile that always reaches your eyes, and the way you flip from rose-colored glasses to anger in the snap of a finger.”

“My heart feels too big for my chest.”

“Mine too, babe.” He kisses my temple and then leans back, his gaze roaming my face, taking me in until it settles on my eyes. “I don’t want to date anyone else. I only want you. I love you, Marina.”

My lips part, but no words escape, nor breath, or a single sound. My own feelings are so large, too much to restrain in the confines under the current situation. “I love you, too. So much.”

I worry I’m living in a fever dream and afraid to wake up, but every kiss and touch is so real that I’d choose this reality over life if I could feel like this forever.

And then he says, “The press will have a field day when they find out.”

My back stiffens as my feet land on the floor again. “My brothers are going to kill us both.”

He sighs, the bubble sounding like it’s burst. “I’m not sure what to do about that.”

“I’m tired of the world having a say in my relationships and my professional management team advising me on how to behave. I just want to be with you and to always feel like this.”

A lopsided grin creases his mouth. “How’s that?”

“Happy.”

21

Cash

I dash up the stairs and ring the doorbell. It’s not a huge place in the West Village, but it’s nice, and Terpidy and Cullen have it all to themselves. I’m late, and she’s not going to let it go. She never does, though I’m rarely five minutes after the agreed-upon time.

The door opens, and I’m greeted by Cullen’s toothy little grin. “Hey there,” I say, bending down to hug him.

“Hi, Daddy.” He reaches behind him and grabs his bag, but I slip in and get it to carry myself.

“Cash?” Terpidy calls from behind the half-open door. It swings open, and she looks me up and down. I catch the slightest of eye rolls before she catches it herself.

Standing, I say, “Hi.” Fighting with her is the last thing I want to do, especially with our son between us.

“I have a job in Paris on Monday.” I could point out the lack of pleasantries or the basic courtesy of a hello. Her career had already skyrocketed when we met. The girl who partied one night in Monaco and then in LA after the Oscars isn’t the same woman now. She has no tolerance for me like she once did.

Justifiably.

I was a real beast of an asshole once we soured, which didn’t take long. Not that she was any better. We were one and the same that way and never meant to be more than a few drunken nights in Ibiza. What we were or weren’t doesn’t matter now. Cullen does, and for him, I’m trying to be the father he needs. “I leave on Sunday for Brazil. I can see if my mom is available.” Glancing down at Cullen, I smile. “That’d be fun, right, buddy?”

He shrugs.

She covers his ears. “If she can’t, he’ll be with a babysitter all week. I’m not turning this job down. It’s a big campaign, and the money is great.”

Got to love being made into the villain. It’s a no-win for me. Damned if I say I can’t. Damned if I stop her from leaving him with a stranger. “I’ll take care of him.”

Kneeling so I’m closer to his eye level, I ask, “Do you need anything for the week? Or do you have all your stuff?”

Another shrug.

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