Page 106 of 4th Degree

What are they thinking? Do they think less of me? Do they believe any of that post?

“It’s not what it looks like,” I blurt out. Definitely on repeat. I focus on Jax and tell him the same thing I told Tristan. “I’m not just fucking her. None of it is true.”

Jax, the kind soul that he is, recognizes my desperate need to be comforted. “We know. Coach, we know. We’re not judging you, I swear.”

It’s only a fraction of what my body is filled with, but some tension leaves my shoulders. I give him a nod.

He turns to look at Tristan. “We’re trying to get the thread taken down on harassment grounds, but it’s taking a while. We know the pictures were taken without consent, but there’s no way to prove that. And since there’s no nudity, and Skylar isn’t actually underage, the pictures aren’t technically an issue. So, we’re pushing hard on the bullying and harassment violations.”

Another nod, because that’s apparently all I’m capable of. I shuck my jacket off and collapse on the couch, with Brutus climbing up next to me and dropping his head into my lap only a moment later.

“We canceled pro training,” Tristan says. “The guys who are fighting are coming in tonight, but I assumed we’d want to use the day to figure out what to do.”

When I don’t respond, Jax is the one to speak, shooting Tristan a nervous glance. “Should we…make a statement?”

Tristan immediately shakes his head. “We have to wrap our heads around it first. Get the post taken down, figure out who leaked it and why, and then we can figure out what to post publicly. We’re not in any condition to say anything right now.”

His glance at me obviously translates that to I’m not in a condition to say anything. And he’s right—I’m so fucked, I don’t know which way is up.

I barely register Jax’s voice when he says my name. He has to repeat it twice before I lift my gaze to his.

His expression is sympathetic, and his voice calming. Typical Jax. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I blink in answer.

He tries again, and I realize for the first time that these two have been actively fighting the urge to ask me about Skylar. I don’t deserve them. “Can you tell us something about how it happened? If we know what the relationship is like, we can fight this a little better.”

“I…” I swallow and try again. “It just…happened. I tried not to, but she’s…” Fuck, I can’t get anything out.

“Do you love her?” Jax asks quietly.

My eyes widen. How is it that, out of everything, that feels like the most bizarre question?

“I don’t know,” I respond in a monotone. “And I’m not going to figure that out in a mess like this.”

Cutting his losses, Jax nods and turns back to Tristan. “Let’s just get that post down. We can figure out what to say to the other gyms later.”

They don’t ask me any other questions. But as soon as they walk away, Jax’s question starts ringing in my head. And it hits me that this is the first time I’m thinking of Skylar in all this.

Fuck. Skylar. Does she know?

I fumble for my phone in my pocket. I have to scroll through way too many notifications, on way too many apps, before I can pull up my text messages and scroll through those, too. Part of me hopes to see Skylar’s name pop up, but a bigger part hopes it doesn’t.

Nope. No text. Thank God. Maybe she hasn’t seen it?

My thumb trembles over her name. Even if she hasn’t seen it yet, there’s no way she won’t eventually. We need to talk about it. We need to figure out what to do.

We need to figure out what this means for us.

I hit the Call button next to her name before I can think better of it. I have no idea what I’m going to say to her, I just know I need to hear her voice. I need to know she’s okay, and that we’re going to survive this.

Four rings later, I get her voicemail. My eyes slide closed at the sound of her voice, so close to what I need, but also so, so far. I hang up before the beep, not wanting to leave a voicemail of me stammering through a chaotic non-message.

Instead, I open our text messages. I’m barely a texter, so all of our exchanges so far have been matter-of-fact messages with questions and one-line answers. There are no good morning or how was your day? messages, because every time I had those thoughts, I just wanted to see her and say it in person. A text wasn’t nearly enough.

But it hits me in this moment that I might never get any more contact with Skylar. This might be the thing that changes her mind about us, that alienates her from me and removes her from my life. Because who would want to be with someone whose relationship causes you to be ridiculed and judged by an entire community? Hell, maybe even the city. If the social media comments are this bad from a single picture, what are people going to say in public when they see us together?

I would never want Skylar to experience that. Never.

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