Page 29 of The Pact

Cole watches me from the other side. I love and hate that he has so much restraint—most of the time. He probably knows what he’s doing. He must see the effect he’s having on me.

I try to play cool.

“Tell me something that nobody knows,” I demand as I spread my arms over the pool’s edge, letting my body float on the surface. Tipping my head back to rest on the concrete, I close my eyes and wait for an answer.

I feel the shift of the water’s surface as ripples dip beneath my body, gently rocking me from side to side. My eyes open. Cole’s coming closer, although he’s taking his time and pauses when I look at him.

“That’s a hard one, love. I don’t keep much from my brothers. We share everything with one another. But…” He pauses. “Once, when I was eight, before I met Damian, Sutton, and Wesley, I stayed out all night seeing how long it would take for my parents to notice that I was gone.” My body drops from its relaxed position and I straighten.

“It was stupid. I was walking home from school, upset because my mom forgot to pack my lunch again and I didn’t have money, so the lunch lady gave me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I hated PB&Js, but had to eat it or go hungry. Anyway, on my way home, I got the bright idea to teach her a lesson, hoping that maybe she wouldn’t forget me again. For reference, I’m one of five siblings, smack dab in the middle, so getting overlooked is kind of my birthright.”

“Cole… I’m sorry, you don’t have to continue if this is too painful.” Guilt weighs heavily on me as I think about how badly that must have hurt him. The pain of reliving it can’t be any better.

He wades a little closer, stopping right before he reaches me. “It’s okay. I mean it’s not, however, I’ve gotten over it. It is what it is. So I never went home. I had this fort I built in the woods behind my house. That’s where I stayed. I waited as the sun went down and the sky got dark, listening for someone to call my name. Hoping they would be worried. I waited until they turned the lights off. They didn’t notice that I wasn’t home. They all went to bed without realizing I was gone. I cried myself to sleep in that fort. When I woke up in the morning, I walked through the back door in the same clothes as the day before. My dad came into the kitchen as I was eating a bowl of cereal. I’ll never forget what he said when he saw me. He told me to unload the dishwasher before I went to school and to brush my hair, that it was a mess. He left for work without even saying goodbye or I love you.”

I want to cry or scream for him, instead I hold it in my aching chest. “You didn’t deserve that. No child does.” Although my childhood was different from his, as an only child, my neglect parallels his. I know Cole’s pain all too well.

Sinking into the water, I swim to him and wrap my arms around his neck. I kiss his head and whisper in his ear. “I’d notice. I see you.” He shudders against me. I feel his body go rigid and I know he’s holding back the rising emotions. He said he was over it, although I know it’s a lie. It’s a lie I also tell myself.

“Tell me something that nobody knows,” He echoes my words. I don’t have the same problem as him. I don’t have three other people I share everything with. Cassie is the closest thing I have to a sister. Still, there’s so much she doesn’t know.

I weigh the many memories against one another. There are too many to choose from. Then I find the one the cuts the deepest.

Holding him closer so that he can’t see my face, I spill my truth.

“My parents never cared much about what I did unless they could brag to their friends about it, otherwise I had to fend for myself. One summer when I was fifteen, I made it my mission to piss them off any way I could. I stole money from their wallets, but it backfired. They blamed each other and when I confessed, they didn’t believe me. That wasn’t the kind of thing I’d do, they said. So I took it a step farther. One night I pretended to come home drunk, gargling some tequila. My mom yelled for all of five minutes about how alcohol would ruin my chance at college. Not a word about my safety.” Cole’s arms tighten around me and I want to stop, yet push myself to continue.

“I bought a joint off of some kid I knew from school, lit the end and then left the evidence in my room for my parents to find. That earned me an hour lecture, but at least my parents were noticing me for once. Then, I discovered that boys seemed to really get under my mom’s skin. Something about me spending time with them really set her off. So I started having guys over every day, making sure that they were there when she came home from work. I’d have her find us in more and more compromising positions. I thought I was in control, however, I became addicted to the high of my parent’s reactions. Before I knew what was happening… I was losing my virginity to some guy who I barely knew. Afterwards, I realized how fucked I was and tried getting him out of the house before they got home, but it was too late. My mom found us half dressed. I was sure she’d kill me this time. Instead, she just looked disgusted and said she hoped at the very least I used a condom before closing the door.”

My heart is pounding as I finish and I immediately regret sharing this secret that I’ve kept to myself for so long. Embarrassment washes over me for my attention hungry younger self. Then I want to let out a laugh because I haven’t changed.

My twelve years of imprisonment in my relationship with Gavin made me a hungry inmate. Once I got out, I went right back to that attention seeking behavior by conning men in bars so that I could feel validated for a couple of hours. And then when that felt deceptive, I used Cole to fill that need.

I squeeze my eyes tight, not wanting the tears of guilt to escape.

“You should never feel ashamed for trying to survive. That’s all you were doing. You did nothing wrong. Do you hear me? You did nothing wrong. It was them. It was always them.” His words release all the pain I’m trying to hold back. Sobs make my chest heave and tears roll down my burning cheeks.

Cole’s hand smooths my hair as he whispers calming words in my ear. The chanting of his soft voice eases some of the hurt. I finally pull away and find his face is full of tenderness. The way he stares at me is foreign. I’ve never had a man look at me like this. It feels… right.

I kiss Cole, gently at first, then urgency takes over. I need him. I need all of him immediately.

My legs wrap around his waist and he pulls me tight against him. He wants me too. Walking us to the deep end of the pool, he lifts me out of the water easily. Cole sets me down on the pool ledge. The sight of his body between my legs makes warmth gather at my core.

His slicked back, wet hair is curling at the nape of his neck. Drops of water roll down his face. I wish I had my camera. I want to capture this.

His lips trail down the center of my throat while his hands move up from my hips to right beneath my breasts. Cole’s thumbs circle over my hardened nipples beneath the triangles of fabric. I arch into his touch.

Moving his mouth down my chest, he replaces his thumb with it. I can just barely feel his warm breath through my top. The flat of his tongue runs over my nipple before he takes it into his mouth between his teeth.

“Oh God,” I pant out. It’s been too long since a man’s done this to me.

He pulls away. For a moment, I think he’s going to exercise some restraint. My eyes go wild, searching his face for some sign that he’s going to continue.

“Love, if you think you’re seeing Heaven now, just wait until my mouth is between your legs.” Desire flashes in his eyes and his mouth is on my skin again, kissing down my torso. He hooks his arms beneath my thighs, placing his hands on my ass. In one quick movement, he pulls me forward so that I’m balancing on the lip of the pool.

I plant my palms on the ground behind me to support myself, watching as Cole works his way downward, licking the droplets of water from my body. His eyes flick up to meet mine as he keeps moving lower, excitement dancing in his darkened eyes.

I take it back. No man has ever done this to me. It’s not only that he’s worshiping me. Cole is genuinely eager to please me. I can tell by the way he’s taking his time and not demanding me to give him something in return. Is this what I’ve been missing out on?

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