Page 49 of The Pact

This has happened before. Over the last ten years, we’ve each gone through this once or twice. Well, all of us except Damian. He’s the only one who hasn’t brought a woman home.

It’s the same each time. One of us will connect with someone and date them for a few weeks to see if there is real potential there. It’s tough. I wish we could be upfront in the beginning. Deceiving the women is the hardest part. The look in their eyes is always the same. It’s the same one I saw in Thea’s on Saturday when she found out about the pact. Hurt. Betrayal. Sadness.

However, being so forthright hasn’t worked well the couple of times that we’ve tried. It’s a delicate dance. We need to see if the connection is genuine, if she’s a good person, if she’d fit into our lives well, and if there is potential for her to date all of us.

We all have very different personalities and tastes, so that’s usually the hardest piece to fit into this twisted puzzle.

Almost always, one of us can’t bond with whoever’s checked all the other boxes. A little friction in personalities is one thing, but outright disdain is an automatic disqualification. Thea’s smart. She picked up on that and pointed out that Wesley and Damian wouldn’t be on board.

Little does she know they want her. They want her badly, even if they’re dicks. I’ve seen Damian softening towards her. Wesley, on the other hand, has his walls up, although those are because of his own demons he’s fighting. If she only knew the way my two distant brothers look at her, she’d see they want this as much as Sutton and I do.

I’ve watched how Wes bites his lip when her back is turned and he’s appreciating the curves of her body. He wants to dig his claws in, even if he doesn’t show her that. I have to stop myself from laughing every time he sulks off, when he can’t take being around her any longer. He’s afraid those walls are going to drop and she’ll see him.

Damian’s been a little more overt with his interest. I’ve never seen him smirk and wink so much at someone. It makes me roll my eyes. He shifts between coldness and flirting so quickly that she likely thinks he’s psychotic.

I’ve caught him staring at her mouth and I know exactly what he wants to do with it. I’ve seen what he can do. Her neck is another fixation for him. I wonder if she’ll be able to handle what he has in store for her if she says yes.

She’s a sweet girl, I shouldn’t want her to say yes. Wes and Damian might ruin her. That’s the last thing I want. Yet, I can’t stay away. I’m too fucking selfish to break this off so that her goodness is preserved.

Maybe I can have her and still protect that part of her. I’ll find a way to make sure she stays my sweet girl.

18

THEA

Anticipating I’d need a couple of days to recuperate from my long week of shoots and my parent’s visit, I took Monday and Tuesday off. Unexpectedly, I didn’t know I’d need time to mull over Cole’s revelation as well.

I keep going back and forth on my decision. That hard no from two days ago has turned into a maybe. And now, I feel myself closer to yes. However, as soon as I think I’ve accepted that I might want this, the doubts creep in and I’m back to square one.

Cole messaged me a couple of times to check on me. He’s always so thoughtful and I love hearing from him, but it’s making my decision harder. So, I’ve been short with him. I don’t want to lead him on if I decide I can’t do this.

The thought of letting him go, of never kissing him, running my fingers through those blonde curls, or seeing him laugh at one of my jokes hurts more than I’d like to admit. I did what I tried so hard to prevent—I got attached too quickly.

At first, I was angry that he didn’t tell me sooner, well outright if I’m being honest. Then the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s only been three weeks. We barely know each other and despite caring for him already, it’s hard for me to accept their lifestyle. If he would have told me on our first date, I wouldn’t have seen him again.

I’ve also come to terms with taking accountability for my deceptions. I’d justified not telling Cole about Gavin by convincing myself that it was too new to saddle him with that responsibility. Then I roped his brothers into my lies. As soon as Damian knew about him, I should have gone to Cole.

I’m not any better than them. We’re all protecting ourselves.

When Cole discovered my bruises and I confessed to Gavin being in town, he didn’t make me feel bad at all. His first instinct was to make sure that my ex never laid another hand on me. There was no guilt or shame. He simply understood why I’d kept the truth from him, trusting that I did it for the right reasons.

How could I not give him the same in return?

My parent’s relationship weighs heavily on me. The unspoken admission that my mother made about men not being faithful, as if that was something to be accepted, is a gnawing pain in my chest. Their marriage, in every sense, is traditional, yet that didn’t protect her from being betrayed by him. My relationship with Gavin was traditional. That didn’t save me from years of emotional and physical abuse.

I’m realizing that my concept of what a relationship is supposed to be may not be right. I thought it should be between two people. But what if it’s simply a partnership between people? Who decided that two is the right number?

I’m overthinking all of this. I could ponder the philosophy of these dynamics until I die and I’d never have a good answer. Even if I found one, what’s right for me wouldn’t be right for someone else.

The important thing is what I feel and what I want to do. Easier said than done. If I live my life according to what everyone else deems appropriate or what works for them, I may never find happiness. There was a time when I didn’t care about what anyone thought. I always looked at it as my rebellious phase when I finally escaped my parents, although maybe that’s my true self and I’ve been hiding her away.

Before Gavin, my first two years of college were… a little wild, to say the least. I was a free spirit back then and pushing boundaries wasn’t an issue for me. Trauma probably played a part. So when I had the chance at a threesome, I took it. When I was offered a joint, I smoked it. When a guy suggested fucking in a public place, I did it.

Visions of the many exploits race through my mind and all of them have one thing in common—I didn’t care what other people thought. And that was the happiest time of my life, just not giving a damn.

College Thea probably would have found the idea of dating four men… exciting. I try to harness the younger me, however, there’s hesitation.

Two things come to mind that make me second guess everything. Small town gossip—I seem to be at the center of that already. Oh, the things the women in this town would say if they knew I was screwing the Wolfe Creek Four. And Cassie—she has strong opinions. I’m not sure where she’d fall with this one.

---