Page 107 of Finding Molly Parsons

“What… what makes you ask that?” Carmen squeaked. Was it as hot in the house as Carmen thought? Pulling at the collar of her tank top, she willed herself not to sweat.

“I figured something happened between you at the party. First, I thought you argued, but then I stopped being dumb and put it together. You like each other and I think you slept with each other.”

“I… um, this is a little uncomfortable if I’m being honest, Faith.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that I’m okay with you guys liking each other. I don’t want you to be weird because she’s my aunt or whatever. That’s all.”

“Okay, well, thanks for that. Molly and I are just friends though, and I doubt that will change.”

Faith’s face showed disappointment. “Right, sure. It’s between you guys. I just wanted you to know.”

Clearing her throat, Carmen stood a little straighter. “So, do you… want to talk about…”

“Having sex with Nathalie?” Faith chuckled. “I think I’m good. We waited until both of us were ready and it was perfect. I promise I will come to you though, if I need to.”

“Excellent, right, good chat! I’m going to drink a bottle of rum and forget this morning ever happened. Cool?”

“Cool,” Faith laughed.

As appealing as a bottle of rum sounded, Carmen resisted the urge to get blackout drunk. Instead, she ordered an extra-large pizza and binge-watched Netflix. After napping away the food coma she’d put herself in, Carmen worked on the task Dr. Stark set in their session.

Apparently, Carmen wasn’t great at voicing her feelings. Who knew! So, she was given the unenviable job of writing a diary. One where she tried her best to open herself up entirely. The doctor thought it would be a good way for Carmen to learn how to trust herself. Which, according to her, was the first step to Carmen trusting others.

So far she’d doodled a flower and a cloud in the page’s corner. Why was it so hard? All she had to do was note her feelings. It was hard because for thirty years, Carmen had done her best to push her feelings to one side so she could survive. “Christ,” she grumbled to herself before putting pen to paper and scribbling out any thought that crossed her mind.

As soon as she finished, she re-read her notes. “Jesus, am I really this cynical?” she muttered. The page was full of Carmen’s mistrust of the world. It was clear that, for far too long, Carmen had regarded the world through a very jaded lens.

One sentence stood out from all others. In the middle of her ramblings, Carmen read: If the one person you should be able to trust in the whole world abandons you, what hope is there for anyone else? Why did you leave me, mom?

Carmen’s eyes stung as tears threatened to fall. Why had she written that? Carmen didn’t think about her mom, ever! She never had a mother, and she’d made peace with that.

“Hermana?” Mateo’s soft voice pulled Carmen’s gaze from the paper. Words wouldn’t come. Mateo sat beside her, stroking her back. His eyes fell on the mess of writing. Pulling the paper from Carmen’s grip, he read. “Oh, honey,” he sighed, pulling Carmen in tighter.

“I’m so broken,” she sobbed.

“You’re not broken, chica, you just need a little help.”

“I shouldn’t be like this, Mateo. Not after all this time. Why can’t I just fucking get over it?”

Leaning back, Mateo cupped Carmen’s face with both his hands. “Carmen, you have spent so long being strong for everyone else. There is no time limit on trauma.”

“I didn’t go through what you did. What the hell have I got to be traumatized about?” Carmen had never voiced her thoughts like this to Mateo.

“You went through plenty. You became an adult when you were still a child. You saw things and did things no kid should have to, and you did it whilst looking after me. You got me the help I needed and I know you went to therapy as well, but I know you, Carmen. I know you didn’t open yourself up fully. You think guarding your emotions and keeping everything to yourself protects you, but it only hurts you more. This paper right here shows me you are ready to work through everything. For real this time. And Carmen, I’m going to be with you every step of the way, understand?”

“Mateo,” Carmen cried, shaking her head.

“No, this isn’t a debate. I’m in a good place because of you. Let me be your pillar of strength now.”

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Yes, you do. You’re already doing it. Being open with your therapist is the biggest step you could take, and I’m so proud of you.”

“I don’t understand why now. Why am I breaking down now?”

Mateo paused. Carmen could see he was figuring out the best way to say what was on his mind. “Honestly, I think it’s because you found someone you could see a future with.”

“Mateo,” Carmen scoffed.

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