Page 42 of Newton

I ignore the disappointment pooling inside of me as I awkwardly press into his side.

Instead of letting me lie there being all weird, he moves me until I'm practically lying on top of him, my leg between his with his arm around my back, fingers teasing slowly up and down my spine.

He doesn't speak, doesn't ruin this moment by telling me we made a mistake. He doesn't vow to keep his hands to himself. There are no apologies on his lips.

Xan used to apologize after hurting me. He'd make promises, telling me that he'd control his urges better next time.

Nathan, on the other hand, wouldn't whisper an apology if his life depended on it.

I freeze, hating that my mind is urging me to consider Beck's silence to be the same as I'd get from Nathan.

My stomach turns because I know they're worlds apart.

It makes me consider that maybe Beck would've stopped had I requested him to.

"I was eight the first time Nathan forced Xan to touch me," I whisper, hating the way he freezes under me, but I don't stop. "He was crying the whole time, telling me he was sorry for hurting me when the tears pooled in my eyes."

When his arm tightens around me, I take comfort in his strength. I've never said these things out loud to anyone, despite the urging of the prosecutor's office in Ohio and, again, by the therapist who made frequent visits to the women's shelter.

"I can remember the sounds he made while sitting in the corner, instructing his son on what to do with his fingers. I didn't know it then but I know now he was touching himself." I swallow against the bile threatening its way up my throat. "When Xan stopped and refused to go any further, Nathan beat him until he was unconscious. He pitted the two of us against each other for years until something snapped in Xan. He was sixteen the first time he hurt me without his father's urging. I was proud of him for lasting so long. I don't know if I could've taken theabuse as long as he did before giving in to it."

Beck's arm tightens even further, and I let my eyes flutter closed, tears leaking from them and dampening his shirt.

"When I started to just lie there and let it happen, Nathan would get so angry. He wanted the tears and the begging for it to stop. He always confused me. He'd growl and tell me I needed to be stronger, that I needed to be tough to survive in their world. He made me sit and watch while he commanded Xan to hurt the nanny. She was the only person I had in my life who I cared for after my mother died, and I had to sit there, sobbing, while Xan carved his last name into her flesh with a dull knife."

I pull in a ragged breath, wishing I could find the strength to stop talking,but the floodgates have opened and show no sign of being shored up anytime soon.

"I begged him to stop. Begged Xan to put the knife down. Pleaded with Nathan to stop making his son hurt her. I saw nothing but evil in his eyes when he turned to me and told me to take her place if I truly wanted Xan to stop. I remember opening my mouth, but it's like I had forgotten how to speak. Xan didn't stop cutting into her flesh until she passed out. I never saw her again after that night, but I'm certain she's dead."

"Xan should've been stronger or been willing to die before hurting you," he says, as if it's that simple, but his words make me reflect.

Maybe Beck is the type of man who would die before hurting me, but I seriously doubt it. My luck never turns that way. Hell, if Nathan ever found out that I willingly gave any part of myself to the man, he'd make sure to be the one to stand over Beck while he took his last breath.

I'm not doubting Beck's integrity. I really think he believes what he's saying, but facing the devil and standing tall isn't the reality. We all like to think we're heroes until we're put to the test. Some last longer than others. I think Xan did his best fighting against the monster his father created in him for years and it’s commendable.

"I think you need to tell these things to the people back in Ohio."

"I'll go to prison," I whisper.

"Doing things under duress and doing them because it's your idea aren't the same thing, baby."

His voice is calm, and although I don't detect judgment in his tone, I know it has to be there. I loved Sonia. I looked at her as a mother and, honestly, she was much more attentive to me than my real mother had been, yet I did nothing to protect her. I wasn't brave enough to step up and take that punishment. I've always been a coward, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

"There isn't a jury around that would ever fault someone for doing what they had to do to stay alive."

I know he believes what he's saying is true, but my reality is different. If Nathan couldn't get to me himself, he has ways of getting to me no matter where he's at. I can't even trust everyone under this roof because everyone has their price. It's possible that Nathan could even get to Beck. Beck may fight long and hard against hurting me under the threat of his own death, but being offered money is a much different game.

The thought of the man I'm lying against being the one to slit my throat makes me weep even more. He might want to protect me now, but money always talks. It opens every single door, and Nathan wouldn't bat an eye at handing over a couple of million dollars to ensure I don't testify against him in court. If my own guilt lands me on the opposite side of the law, he'd pay a jury to convict me as quickly as he'd pay someone in prison to kill me.

Beck doesn't understand the man the way I do. There's no escaping his wrath. All of his enemies fall at his feet. The only difference with me is that he wants to do it himself. He'd only outsource the job if it becomes a hundred percent impossible for him.

My safety at any place isn't guaranteed, and that's something I'll have to live with.

I know my time is limited, and it's up to me to do with it as much as I can.

I feel like a fraud challenging Beck and his willingness to protect me when I know just how weak I am. I can't confess the things I've seen because I'm trying to save myself, trying to last in this world as long as I can, despite the numerous attempts I've made to end it. I have a strong will to live and, unfortunately, that comes at others' expenses.

"He terrifies me," I whisper.

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