Page 76 of What It Means To Be Found

Smile. Keep the peace. Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

If Logan had seen me lying there, lost in thought about something else, I knew for a fact that he would stop whatever it was he was doing. Logan was clearly a man that enjoyed enthusiasm in the bedroom. He wanted his partner to be into it just as much as him.

Which, call me crazy, shouldn’t that be the standard of consent?

The thought of Logan caring for me back when I had my period came to mind, and I felt the smile pull on my lips before I could stop it. Nobody else noticed, except maybe Adam, who kept checking behind himself to make sure I was still there with the group.

But as we made it near the end of the trail, I was lost in thought about Logan St. James. Happier, peaceful, excited thoughts about the man filled my head. All the time we had spent together the last few months. How we had both opened up to each other and been vulnerable in order to establish trust.

How Logan and I were an item to some degree.

About how he and I were sneaking around behind our friends’ backs…why were we still doing that?

It wasn’t like I was interested in anyone else at this point. I loved spending time with Logan, which made my lips twitch with amusement because oh how things have changed with that whole situation.

I giggled along with Taylor’s theatrics as we piled into Josh’s SUV after the hike, and tried to engage with our friends and their conversations, but I couldn’t. My heart was racing with the knowledge that Logan would meet up with us soon.

But I couldn’t greet him like we normally did in private. Because everyone else was around. And we were keeping everything a secret.

The fears I had at the beginning of our physical relationship creeped up again.

What if we don’t work out?

What will our friends think if we don’t work out?

Would I be able to stomach hanging out with Logan if we didn’t work out?

I found myself spiraling about this as I stood in the kitchen of the townhome, filling a glass of water at the sink when I heard another pair of steps enter the kitchen behind me, and I smiled at Adam as he casually approached to grab a beer for himself from the fridge.

“Can I ask you something?” I spoke up, keeping my voice a little lower to keep our conversation private. Taylor and Josh were getting more animated, playfully arguing about something, so I doubted we could be easily overheard.

“Sure,” Adam replied, shutting the fridge door, and leaning back against the counter next to it. I took a moment to take him in. Adam was handsome, with dark red hair and sun-kissed skin, and freckles on his face. I had the biggest crush on him in high school, and I could remember the giddy feeling I had when we finally went out as adults. I felt like younger, adolescent me had finally “won.”

And how that attitude ended up making me lose him.

I didn’t want to lose him at the time, obviously. But…now I was glad that I did.

Now, I felt like that experience gave me the opportunity to find someone better for me.

“Were you ever nervous about dating Beck, and how that would work out at work and stuff?” Adam and Beck’s situation wasn’t the same as mine, obviously. But I felt like dating a coworker would make anyone second guess, or hesitate, before jumping into bed with them.

Adam looked towards the living room for a moment before answering, “Part of me was terrified.”

I widened my eyes, “What? Why?”

Adam’s lips tipped with a ghost of a smile before taking another sip of his beer, then setting the bottle down on the countertop to explain, “I only had a desire to start working at the clinic when I caught a glimpse of Beck, and learned that she was an employee there. I didn’t even know her name.” I widened my eyes, surprised, because I never knew that. “So I already felt like I crossed a boundary. I saw how happy and carefree she and Courtney were, and I acted like a leech. Desperate to be in their orbit, so that I could feel what they felt.” Adam rubbed his neck, a haunted expression crossing his features. He had struggled with depression, something I was oblivious to at the time, which probably explained his need to feel what others were feeling. “Obviously I was attracted to Beck, but I already felt like my employment was inappropriate enough. So I never really…made my feelings known?” He tilted his head in thought. “I guess I did flirt a little bit the more we got to know each other, but it wasn’t until Big Bear that I finally was open about my feelings. Even then, Beck had to kiss me first before I even felt confident initiating anything romantic.”

I smiled, grateful that Adam was open with me about this. I only felt a twinge of guilt because this was the time that I was openly pursuing him to take me back. To give us another chance. Adam did us both a favor and didn’t mention that aspect of this memory he was giving me, before continuing his thoughts.

“Once Beck kissed me, though,” his eyes turned thoughtful, adoring, and it made my heart squeeze, “I was done for. I realized pretty quickly that it didn’t matter if we were coworkers or not. It didn’t matter if we ended up breaking up and having to deal with that in the workplace. I wanted her, and for some reason she wanted me. There was no reason to make us both suffer otherwise.”

I quirked my lips at that. “I feel like it’s easy for the man to not care about the potential fallout at work, though.”

“You’re not wrong,” Adam shrugged. “Women tend to be more cautious about things like workplace relationships. They kind of have to be. That being said, I’m grateful Beck took the chance with me.”

I sighed wistfully, loving that it had worked out for the both of them. As far as I knew, even though Beck and Adam lived together, they had no desire to get married or have children. They were perfectly happy as they were, and I was a little envious of that. To have total security in someone else, to have a partner in your corner no matter what.

I…really wanted that.

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