Page 6 of What It Means To Be Found

I didn’t want to be the kind of woman my mother was; the woman who looked at a picture of another woman at her physical peak and turned up her nose at it. The woman who loved gossip and sleeping with men simply for the status of it, like Lucy.

I wanted to be like Courtney and Beck. Maybe even a little bit like Taylor, unapologetically true to themselves.

I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin, while surrounded by people who allowed me to be. Friends who cheered and admired my new tattoos and welcomed me into the townhome with open arms. Who welcomed me into their workplace with the occasional coffee left on my administration desk in the morning. Who bent over backward to not make things weird since my ex-boyfriend was dating Beck, someone I now considered to be one of my good friends.

People who, and I cannot stress this enough, introduced me to the wonderful world of romance novels and happily shared smutty recommendations with me.

I have read more in the last year than I have read in the entirety of my life. I also learned so much more about what kind of woman I want to be after reading hundreds of romance novels. I want to be strong, independent, loving, and safe. Who knew romance novels would make me realize what kind of partner I deserved? Not just a man to fill the role as husband, or spouse. I want a partner, what Beck and Adam have with each other. What Courtney and Josh have with each other. Someone I don’t exactly need, but someone I specifically want. Who also wants me in return.

I want someone who will be my cheerleader.

That didn’t mean I needed to settle for anyone, like what I was unintentionally doing with Adam when we were dating. Sure, the sex between us was good. I got off more with Adam than with any other man I had dated, but that was it. There wasn’t a lot of emotional connection between us. We didn’t even like watching the same kinds of TV shows and movies. He loved reading science fiction and fantasy, and I didn’t. Come to think of it, I was genuinely surprised that we lasted a whole year.

I was just about to pull out of the parking space when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

Court: Is everyone set to meet at the townhouse tonight before the game? I’m eating at old-person dinner time with Susan before we leave.

Beck: Adam and I will be there for dinner, too.

Taylor: Yup, I’ll be there after.

Josh: I can have my driver take us since the car can fit us all in one vehicle.

Adam: I guess I can ride in your gas-guzzler this time.

Josh: Adam is officially uninvited to the carpool.

Adam: Oh no, I guess I’ll have to drive in my environmentally friendly vehicle instead.

Court: If your driver had an electric car available, I know you’d take that instead J-shua.

Taylor: Lo, are you coming?

I smiled. I loved my nickname; it was so cute and simple. It felt like me. I replied immediately, warmth filling my chest at simply being remembered.

Me: I’ll be there after the old-person dinner.

Taylor: Is Logan sitting with us?

My stomach soured. Fuck that guy.

Court: Nope.

Thank fuck he couldn’t join us for whatever reason. I pocketed my phone and pulled out of the driveway. How someone as loveable and friendly as Courtney was able to befriend an asshat like Logan St. James was beyond me. I had only a handful of interactions with the man, and they all sucked. He seemed to charm literally everyone else in the group, all except for me. Just looking at him filled me with anger.

I was glad he wouldn’t be coming tonight. After this morning with my mother and Lucy, I wanted time to let loose and relax with my friends. Without Logan’s silent glares and frowns and various looks of disapproval for simply existing.

No, tonight I would treat myself to an alcoholic beverage.

Maybe some stale stadium popcorn.

I would pretend to understand or care about what was happening during the hockey game. I would laugh and joke around with my friend’s company, not caring what I looked like or how I sounded. I would simply exist and find peace in that.

2

ELOISE

Hockey wasn’t that cool of a sport.

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