Page 36 of What It Means To Be Found

There, the ball was thrown into his court. Or the puck into his rink? The point was, I had thrown the option back to him. I wanted to see if he would get flirty again, or if I was going crazy and misreading the tone of this conversation.

Logan: I have a few, but I’m not sure you would be interested in them.

Me: Oh?

Oh? Good job Eloise. I rattled off something else in an attempt to sound less lame.

Me: Feel free to share with the class.

That…didn’t make me sound less lame. But it was better than a one-word response.

Logan: Are you alone?

I blinked, my mind racing with hypotheticals as to why Logan would ask that question right now.

Me: I’m in the living room watching TV with Susan, Court, and Josh. But they don’t know who I am texting.

I glanced over my shoulder to see Josh fast asleep in Courtney’s lap as she combed her fingers through his hair. Her eyes were glued to the TV. Susan’s as well.

Me: Actually, I don’t think that they even know I’m texting someone.

Me: Why?

Logan: Because what I had in mind is probably best kept private, just between us.

Holy fucking shit. Was he thinking what I thought he was thinking? Was this conversation flirtier than I anticipated? Dare I say, becoming spicy?

Me: Like a secret handshake?

Logan: No, not like that.

Logan: First, I need to know something.

Logan: Were you serious when you sent me those voice messages?

I felt my heart jump up into my throat. Holy shit, he was bringing that up? I thought we were supposed to be talking about ways he could apologize to me. What did those have to do with this?

Oh.

Me: When you say serious, what do you mean?

Because I was a lame, lame person who didn’t know how to properly text a grown man to save my life.

Logan: Do you want me?

My face and neck flushed at the words he had intentionally typed out. I felt a little odd having this conversation over text message, but then I remembered who I was talking to, and realized that being able to write down our messages instead of blurting out words without thought was probably for the best. I gnawed at my bottom lip again, struggling to decide whether to lie or tell the truth. Or come up with an odd gray area between the two.

Me: In the spirit of being honest, I didn’t mean to send those voice memos to you.

Logan: I figured.

Me: But.

Me: To answer your question.

I was such an ass. I hesitated for a few minutes before typing out the rest of my response. I closed my eyes and focused on controlling my body’s physical reaction to the experience of telling Logan this version of the truth. How vulnerable I would be, and how I knew there was a possibility that I would be turned down yet again. Rejected. But I was okay with that. I was Eloise Bane 2.0, the Eloise who didn’t mold herself to make others comfortable around her. I was the Eloise who laid it all out there and let people take it or leave it, in love with myself first.

Me: I do want you, even though I feel like I shouldn’t.

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