Page 28 of What It Means To Be Found

What do you mean? He asked. I didn’t know all the signs in that sentence, but Logan had clearly mouthed the words to his question for my benefit, helping me understand him.

“It means,” I inhaled again and set my phone down, sitting up to face him as I spoke, “That I’m not letting you get to me anymore.” I needed to do this a long time ago, but no better time than the present. “I’m not going to let you mock or bully me for things that don’t matter. So what if I read alien porn? It’s probably better than whatever horseshit you watch on Pornhub.”

Logan frowned before he sat up to face me back, his hands going to work as he mouthed his sentence for me, I don’t try to be mean to you, Eloise.

Seeing him use my name sign made my heart thump hard in my chest, and I went out of my way to ignore it.

“That doesn’t make me feel better, Logan.” My voice sounded small even to my own ears, but it was true. I knew I was sensitive; I thought it came with the whole people-pleasing part of my personality that I had been working hard to deconstruct the last few years. So the fact that he supposedly, unintentionally hurt my feelings was more embarrassing than anything.

Logan scrubbed a hand down his face, clearly struggling. Part of me felt bad for not being better at ASL. I didn’t truly try to start learning until after I had started working at the clinic with everyone, because a lot of the kids relied on ASL as well. I picked up core words easily enough, but shorthand and filler words, and sentence structure were all things that I was still struggling with.

I was trying, though. Just last night I felt the need to restart a free online course.

We both sat there, silently watching all our friends either attempt to surf or dig a massive hole in the sand. They were much too far away to hear us, the sound of the ocean draining any chance of my voice carrying over. Logan had taken a deep breath before facing me again, waving his hand in my peripheral to get me to turn and look at him.

I’m sorry, Logan signed and mouthed, I want to do better.

I lifted a shoulder because he had already told me the same thing at the engagement party a few weeks ago.

I’m serious, Logan tried again, narrowing his eyes as he shifted closer to me, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. Or embarrass you.

I lifted an eyebrow at him, my expression flat.

Okay, Logan’s lips twitched a little before he continued to sign and mouth his words to me, I don’t want to embarrass you too much. I rolled my eyes and tried to turn away from him before he reached forward and wrapped one of his large hands around my thigh. I was immediately reminded of our size difference from the gesture. His thumb brushed against the inside of my leg and his pinky wrapped around the other side, his fingertips pressing a little into my skin.

It made my nervous system take off, which is probably why I blurted out this next sentence while I stared at the way his hand firmly gripped my thigh, “Are you just trying to be nice because of the messages I sent you?”

Logan’s hand flexed on my leg at my words, before he gently removed his hand and signed again, No.

“You sure? Because you were much nicer to me at the gym. The nicest you’d ever been, actually.” I felt the corners of my lips turn down a little bit. “I don’t know if I really want your pity.”

I don’t pity you, Logan signed and mouthed for me, I—

“We need you!” I heard Josh gasping from a few feet away, making me turn my head before Logan could finish the rest of his sentence. Josh was jogging closer to us and stopped a few feet away before he braced his hands on his knees and let his head fall, catching his breath.

“What?” I asked, smirking at how exhausted he looked.

“We didn’t bring shovels, so we need more hands,” Josh explained, “For the hole.”

“Why are you digging a hole?” I asked, looking behind Josh to see Taylor and Courtney's thighs deep into the hole as they scooped handfuls of sand out.

“Because we’re at the beach? It’s what you do. You in?” Josh lifted his head and eyeballed Logan and me, his dark brown eyes narrowing a little bit.

I feigned an annoyed sigh and started to stand up from my place on the towel, “I guess I can help.”

Josh smiled and lifted both of his fists in the air before pointing at Logan, “You, too!” I didn’t bother to turn around to see if Logan was following us. I just knew that he was, based on who Josh must have been chatting with. I was mildly grateful for the interruption from Josh because I felt anxiety rise in me the more Logan and I attempted to iron out the wrinkles in our acquaintance. I’d like to get to the point where he and I would consider each other friends, but I wondered if I really wanted to settle for a pity friendship from Logan.

I knew that I would have settled for that a few years ago, but I didn’t think I wanted a pity friendship now. I had been working on myself. I wanted to become someone who didn’t rely on the acceptance of others to feel valued as a person. If Logan wanted to actually be my friend because he respected me to some degree, or simply didn’t hate me, then sure. I would befriend him like everyone else.

A pity friendship? Because he thought I had an unrequited crush? Nah. Hard pass.

8

LOGAN

There was no excuse, I sucked.

That beach trip with Eloise was really what made me come to this conclusion. I guess it had started when I’d walked down the wooden steps to the beach, happy that it really was so empty and quiet like Courtney had said. However, when I approached the group and saw Eloise strip down into her little bikini set, I had felt all moisture leave my mouth and every one of my brain cells die.

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