Page 91 of Without Judgment

CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

Mason

Austin was a happening city full of night life, yet I sat alone in my apartment, beer in hand on a Saturday night, wondering what Avery had been doing over the two weeks since she’d walked out of my hotel room and out of my life.

Here I’d been judging her ex and even her father for the way they’d treated her. Yet I’d done no better. I’d panicked over the thought of her moving to Austin and so had lashed out. I’d hurt the one person who’d done nothing but be there for me. I was an asshole.

I’d fucked up. One, by insulting her in assuming she was basing her decision on me. Two, by freaking out at the thought of her moving to my home city, and three, because I’d been ungrateful.

That was the worst part. She’d dropped everything and flown to Alabama. She’d been my voice when I couldn’t speak, then my rock when I’d sat in Mick’s living room, emotions overwhelming me. And when I’d needed her that night, she hadn’t judged; she’d simply been there for me.

She’d helped me finally conquer one of my greatest fears. But it turned out it wasn’t my biggest.

No, my biggest fear had hit me full force when I’d found the brochure about UT Austin. The truth was I’d been afraid. Afraid of letting her in. Afraid of opening myself up to deeper feelings for her. Scared of experiencing again the same abandonment as when my mother had died. Scared of the same rejection as when my father had moved on. Instead, I’d done the rejecting before that could happen.

I’d freaked the hell out about the thought of her possibly wanting something more from me. It didn’t help I’d woken up that morning, already feeling uneasy. I knew my actions the night before had given her mixed signals. No condom. Telling her I’d missed her. Alluding to the next time we’d be together. All of my anxiety over those actions had been rumbling barely under the surface. I’d soothed myself by remembering she had a plane to catch. If we could just get through the morning, I thought I could box up all of my vulnerability from the night before and figure out what to do with it later.

I’d convinced myself if she could just get back to her flight and her life, I’d be protecting us both.

What a load of crap. The only person I’d been protecting was myself.

A life worth living. That’s what she’d said Mick would’ve wanted for me. She’d been right. My mom would’ve wished for the same. But until now, I hadn’t realized how much it would mean for Avery to say she’d missed me. How much I needed someone in my life who would. How much I craved the deeper intimacy we’d had together.

But now she didn’t want to hear from me. Yet there wasn’t a minute I wasn’t thinking about her.

So I tracked her phone instead. She went to Austin for two days and then to Dallas, where she remained. I wasn’t proud. I justified it by telling myself I was worried about her safety. Then I found myself vastly disappointed that she might have moved to Dallas instead of Austin. Of course, between the two was only a three-hour drive. We could see one another on weekends. If she would see me at all.

Finally, unable to stand it a moment longer, I called her brother. Though it had been weeks since we’d last spoken, I thought I could find out what Avery had decided. Where she was and what she was doing.

Trevor picked up on the first ring. “Hey, man.”

“Hey. How are you?”

“Great. How about you?”

Clearly, Avery hadn’t shared a word about our situation to her brother. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be this happy to talk to me. “Okay. Anything more going on with your father or the arrests?”

“No. He’s way up in the polls. Last I heard, Edward is out of the country while his father does damage control. Wade Knopff is out on bail with lots of fancy lawyers. My guess is he’ll take a deal.”

No mention of Avery. The one person I wanted to hear about most. “And your sister: how’s she doing?”

“Great. Starting class this week I believe. She doesn’t begin the actual master’s program until next year, but she’s getting her feet wet. If you ask me, she really needed to move out of both the house and Houston.”

“Is she there in Dallas?”

“Nope. She’s in Austin. I’m surprised she didn’t tell you. Then again, she has a new phone, so maybe she just hasn’t had a chance to reach out to let you know the number yet.”

Wait. Her phone tracking had indicated she was in Dallas. “Did she leave her old phone with you?”

“Maybe with Emma. Why?”

“Just wanted to make sure she knows she can call me if she needs anything.”

“Sure. I’ll text you her new number.”

I winced, recalling the last thing she’d said was that I shouldn’t call her. And if I did now, what would I say? Admit I’d been scared, but then have nothing to show that I’d dealt with my shit? No. I owed her more than an explanation of something she could probably already guess. I owed her proof that I was actively trying to fix it. Which led me to the inevitable next step.

“I’m thinking about going to see my dad.”

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