Page 86 of Without Regret

“I need you to go.”

It took everything in me not to do as she asked and just leave. But I sensed this was a test. One I was determined to pass.

“I’ll go if that’s what you want, but I’m not giving up.”

“Then you aren’t listening. I’m moving to New York.”

“Fine, then I’ll figure out a way to be here, too.”

“No. You won’t.”

“Em. I love you. And I don’t care how much time it takes to get it through your head. That’s not going to change. This was merely a bump. This is merely a fight. Now we work things out. I realize this is hard, but most things worth having are.”

She shook her head sadly. “You don’t know what hard is. You don’t know what it’s like to be rejected by your own mother. Then rejected by an adoptive family because you weren’t as good as them having their own blood. I was passed around from foster home to foster home after that. Most used me for the monthly check they’d get, which meant they’d try to keep the food costs low, not caring if I was hungry. But those were the better ones. Worse were the places where I had to hide outside in the shed to avoid the drunk foster father who touched me inappropriately.”

My stomach recoiled while I tried to keep my voice smooth. The last thing she’d want was for me to feel sorry for her. Yet every fiber of my being wished I could hunt down these people and make them pay for damaging such a beautiful soul.

“You’re right. I don’t know how hard it must’ve been for you. But I’m certain out of your experience came a survivor. Someone who has figured out a way to not let her past define her.”

She simply stared at me for the longest minute. “I’m not Rufus. You don’t get to sweep in and rescue me.”

“I don’t need to, sugar. You did the rescuing. All I want to do is be with you. Share my life with you.”

I caught the glimmer of surprise on her face which caused me a quick flare of hope. Until her next words hit. “You need to go. Just leave me and go live your life. I’m sorry about your feelings, but—”

“No.”

Her eyes widened. “What?”

“I said no. I’ll go now if that’s what you want, but tomorrow I’ll be back and the day after that. I’ll call you and text you and send you flowers.”

“I abhor flowers.”

“Too fucking bad. Because for the first time in my life, I want to send them to a woman. I want her to know I’m thinking of her. And that I love her.”

“You can’t possibly love me.”

And this was what it came down to. She truly didn’t believe I could. “I can. And I do.”

She crossed to the door and opened it, waiting for me to leave. “Please go.”

There wasn’t one ounce in me that wanted to. “Okay.” I stepped within inches of her, cupping her face and leaning in so I could breathe in her scent. “But I won’t go far. And I won’t stop trying to convince you that we belong together. Or how much I love you.” I placed a kiss on her temple and forced myself to step back and out her door.

The sound of it clicking closed was the worst sound in the world. That horrible metallic sound echoed in my ears. And all I could do was count. Count as far as it took and pray she wasn’t done. Mercifully, she opened it when I got to forty. I’d stayed because I was either a glutton for punishment or an eternal optimist.

“For how long, though? For how long would you love me?”

Finally. Progress. I moved quickly, putting my hands at her waist and backing her up inside of her room. “Em, you’re it for me. Forever.”

Her expression was so sad it made my heart break. “It doesn’t work that way. Nothing lasts forever.”

Now I was getting my temper up. “No, it doesn’t. If it did, my mother would still be alive. She’d be adored by my father who was gutted to lose her and by her children who don’t go a day without thinking about her. But I guarantee if you’d given her a choice to have experienced that kind of love even knowing she’d leave us or never have it at all, she’d choose a hundred times to do it all over again. And so would I.”

She swallowed hard. “Nobody has ever loved me. You asked me about my dream. It was always to find someone who finally would. But I stopped believing it was possible.”

I couldn’t fathom being a child and not having love. And how hard it would be to finally allow yourself to be vulnerable to it. Taking her hands, I spoke, meaning every word. “If anyone deserves to be loved and have happiness, it’s you.”

Tears were streaming down her face. “But there had to be a reason nobody loved me. I’m broken, Trev. There’s a darkness inside of me, and I don’t know if I can be fixed.”

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