Page 36 of Hearty

That’s what I’d like to do. Maybe leave Hope Crest forever? Move to a remote village where the Ashtons can never find me again? Oh my God, I might actually cry in front of him.

For so long, I’ve worked to conceal my silly, girlish emotions when it comes to him. I never let on nor let them get the better of me when we moved in together. Then came drinks at a bar, and I spilled all my guts? Jeez, I am pathetic.

I was not better not knowing. Because knowing that I told him this, and if I wasn’t aware going forward that he knew? God, that would be mortifying to the thousandth degree. Still, it’s mortifying no matter which way you slice it.

Evan gives me a sympathetic smile, which only makes me want to cringe.

“If you’re embarrassed about this, don’t be. I’m flattered. More than flattered, I’m … honored seems like a stupid word to use here, but you could have anyone you want, August. And you had a crush on me? This idiot baby of his family who wanted to run off to cook all over the world? You were so damn adorable when you told me.”

Adorable? Yep, I want to die right here on this spot.

“You’re making this sound so much worse.” I splay my fingers over my eyes as if trying to hide.

“I’m probably doing a shit job of this. I’m sorry.” Evan’s voice sounds full of regret. “My intention for telling you was to say that I’m flattered and that you were wrong. You might not remember this either, you had a hell of a night, and I’m damn proud I got to witness you let your hair down, but I told you that I noticed you. Of course, I noticed you. How the hell could I not?”

And now my anger comes out because it pisses me off, irrationally, since I’m the one who told him that he has this information and gets to have some upper hand.

“No, don’t do that. Don’t pity me. Don’t make up some bullshit to make me feel better.” I point my finger as if accusing him.

Evan takes a step back, my reaction surprising him. “I’m not making anything up, August. While I admit you didn’t catch my eye as early as I might have caught yours, I did notice you. With all the fawning my family did over you, it would be hard not to. It’s so much more than that, though. You’re beautiful, inside and out. You have one of the purest souls I’ve ever encountered; it’s like you only want to make other people’s lives easier and carefree. Come to think of it, that’s why you’re so perfect for hospitality. You never complain, even when your circumstances are downright terrible. I see you, August. I know you exist, and it’s a fucking blessing that you do.”

But his words fall on ears that can’t hear him, not in their rage. I’m so angry at the world, at this point, for burying me under so much shit I can’t process it anymore. It just comes out in clumps of anger hurled at whoever is closest.

“If it weren’t for your family, you’d never have given me another glance. That’s what’s at the root of your statement. Plus, I see how you are when I’m around them. Like some kind of jealous fool, because you’d have to be a fool if you think they value me more than you. You’re their blood, their child and brother. I’m just some waitress, and yet, you acted like an irrational idiot at that dinner. Making me feel humiliated that they’d side with me over you.”

My words spill out like lava, destroying everything in their path.

Now his face is steely, and the mention of his jealousy and family has hit a nerve. “That’s not what happened.”

“Yes, it is, and don’t try to deny it. Just like I’m not denying my crush. The crush of a schoolgirl who didn’t even really know you.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean? Now that you do know me, you don’t like what I’ve shown you?” His voice grows defensive.

My heart and head have had about all they can handle. The humiliation, upset, and anger are taking an emotional toll that I can’t tolerate right now. We’ve been dancing around this attraction, and now it’s spoiled again. I stopped us from taking this step mere days ago when he wanted to kiss me. I couldn’t commit to anything, too caught up in my own thoughts, and nothing has changed.

Except … everything has. If I let him in now, if we started something, I’ll always wonder if he’s just scratching an itch because I admitted my feelings first.

“Evan, if you have any good will toward me at all, you’ll stop this conversation right now. I’m mortified, to be honest, and I have too much to worry about here and with my financial situation. I shouldn’t have told you that, and now that you’ve done your duty of relaying my drunken message, you’re off the hook.”

A muscle tics in his cheek, and his eyes search mine like he wants to say more. I’ve turned the charming jokester into someone who is surly and brooding, and it sucks that he’s so attractive in both roles.

“Fine,” he grits out.

The conversation went so off the rails I’m not sure how we got here. But I avert my eyes, not waiting for him to bid me farewell or doing the same for him.

He leaves, and my head pounds harder with pain than it did this morning. Tears I won’t let fall clog up my ducts, and my temples ache, making my whole head sing with agony.

I’ve just made it that much harder on myself to be back in my hometown, and I didn’t even consciously know I was doing it.

17

AUGUST

The last week has been spent hiding out in Lily.

I go in early and stay late, timing both so that I can avoid Evan at the house altogether. Because what else am I supposed to do for this kind of mortification?

Sure, he told me that he noticed me and all of that other flowery stuff that would have, at some point in my life, made me melt like a puddle right at his feet. But I can’t forget what got him to that moment. That I admitted I’d had a gigantic crush on him. The thought of my confession still makes me want to vomit.

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