Page 180 of The Warlock's Trial

“And the onesie there,” Lucas added.

Grant brought over the clothes, and he helped us dress our little boy for the first time.

Verla’s voice cracked, and she held up a small gift bag. “I didn’t think I’d be giving you this so soon. I got the boys something.”

“You didn’t have to,” Lucas insisted as he took the gift bag. He pulled out the tissue paper and withdrew two leather-bound books. “Grimoires?”

“They can be whatever you want them to be,” Verla said. “Grimoires, photo albums, journals—it’s up to you.”

I had the thought that whatever we put in Dean’s book, he’d never get a chance to read it. But maybe he didn’t have to read it to feel it.

I took one of the books from Lucas’s hand and gave it back to Verla. “I want you all to write in it. Send Dean a message—tell him how loved he is. Then pass it on, and we can all fill the pages.”

“That’s a lovely idea,” Professor Warren said kindly.

Chloe stepped forward. I noticed she was holding a camera, the same one Talia had used during our wedding. “If it’s okay with you, Talia and I would like to take some pictures.”

It was so nice of her to suggest, because these moments were all we had of Dean, until we met with him again. It was sad to think of all the things that could’ve been, but so beautiful to think of the things that would someday come to pass. One day, we would cross over to Alora, and we would be reunited with him again. For now, these pictures would be all we had of him on Earth. It would be the last time we’d get to see, hold, or touch our baby boy until our souls moved on, so we needed these photographs.

“Yes, please,” I told Chloe.

Everyone left the room except for Chloe and Talia. Talia helped position the babies on our chests. She did her best to hide Marcus’s tubes, while Chloe snapped photos of our family. It was a beautiful moment, one that I never wanted to end.

“I’d like to get a few of Dean and Marcus together, just them,” Chloe suggested.

I didn’t want to let Dean go. I felt like I'd lost a huge purpose in my life. I wanted to be a mother, but a mother to twins, not a singular child. I still loved Marcus, but I didn't understand how I was going to tell him that his twin was gone once the time came.

I wish I could've died in Dean's place, and that he could've lived, but Mother Miriam didn't see it to happen that way. We'd lost Dean, but he hadn't lost the fight… he'd taken that poison down with him, to protect his brother until the end.

I had told my grief that she needed to get out of my life, but she insisted she wasn't going anywhere. I understood now. This pain was never going to leave. The worst thing about this wasn't Dean's passing… it was that he was going to stay gone, and he wasn't coming back. I'd never get a chance to do all the things I'd dreamed of with my son. Every day for the rest of my life, I'd wake up and continually have to say goodbye.

This whole thing felt unbearable, and it was. I feared I was going to die from my grief, if not for the people around me. I felt isolated, because no one here knew exactly how I felt except for Lucas. My husband was the only person who would know exactly what it was like to say goodbye to our son when we should've been celebrating his life.

I couldn't bear to feel any longer, so I forced myself to go numb. I had to focus on Marcus now, because he was my reason to keep going.

I had to depend on my community now. They were all I had now. They wouldn't fill the void that Dean had left, but they'd make this burden easier to bear. Because Lucas and I would never lay this burden down, not until we died, and no one could carry it for us. But our community could help us, so some way or another, we would pull through.

There wasn't any way to make this better, and there wasn't any way to make this hurt less. But perhaps there was a way to keep existing through it, because grief hadn't given us any other choice.

I sobbed as I handed Dean over to Talia. The girls quickly took a few photos of the boys, then placed Dean back in my arms. Lucas put Marcus back in his incubator, where he was safest. My sobs grew quiet, but tears continued to leak out of my eyes.

Lucas ran his fingers over the tiny tuft of brown hair at the top of Dean’s head. “We’re so glad we got to be your parents.”

“You’re the sweetest little thing,” I whispered to Dean. I knew wherever he was, he had to be able to feel me.

We sat there for a long time, until Lucas quietly whispered. “It’s time to say goodbye, Nad.”

I knew he was right, but I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I didn’t think I could.

I kissed the top of Dean’s head and whispered, “We’ll be with you again, baby boy.”

Lucas took Dean in his arms, but I still couldn’t bear to let him go. I knew that once I did, I was never going to hold him again. My hands lingered on him just a little longer, and then he was gone…

The moment was over far too soon. Lucas stood with Dean in his arms. He didn’t have to tell me where he was going with him, because I already knew. Lucas held Dean close as he left the room.

Verla was waiting at the door, and she came back in when Lucas left. She helped me to the bathroom so I could clean up in the tub. I moved slowly because I was sore, but I wanted to get back to Marcus as soon as possible.

After washing up, I dressed in the nightgown Verla had set aside for me, then returned to the bed. I rolled over to watch Marcus in his incubator, and I couldn’t get over how perfect he was. I was able to put my hand through one of the holes and touch his tiny fingers.

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