Page 35 of The Music in Me

“Why do you think we are here, Kira? Do you think I brought you here so I can chain you to my bed and spank you? So I can put a collar around you and fuck you?” He glanced at the collar in his hand and pushed it in his pocket. “For years, I watched you date one loser after the other, and it hurt to see you give yourself to these men who didn’t deserve you. Do you have any idea how many times I thought about locking you in a room with me and spanking you until you came to your senses?”

My eyes widened, and he chuckled dryly.

“I didn’t because I didn’t feel like it was my place, and you always came to your senses before it got too far. Then you met this asshole, and I watched you lose yourself completely. You were so far gone into him it was impossible to get to you. I tried to caution you and ask you to go slow, but you were in love and didn’t hear me. You started talking about marrying this guy who doesn’t deserve you, and I was truly scared for you. I knew then that I had to do something.”

“You leaked the story of Anthony cheating to the press?”

“Fuck no. I would never hurt you like that. I knew he was cheating on you. Everyone knew except you, it seems. But I needed evidence, so I got a private investigator to follow him. He got me the pictures I needed, and I took them to Anthony. Told him to leave you alone or I was going to show you the pictures. The next day, news of his cheating got leaked, and the picture on the front page was the same picture I’d shown him.”

I gasped and clutched at my chest. “Anthony leaked the story of him cheating on me?”

“Nothing like bad press, right? It’s not the first time he’s done something like that. Haven’t you ever wondered how the paparazzi always found you guys when you go out? He’s been using you since the very first day he met you, Kira. And I’ve been doing my best to protect you. Why do you think I always said no when you wanted to make a song with him?”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because it wouldn’t have mattered. Even worse, I was worried I would lose you if I pushed too hard. Well, it seemed I didn’t need to. You found out about his cheating and broke up with him. Except you never actually got over him. Why do you think you can’t write, Kira?” he asked quietly. “You’ve always written from the heart, but how can you do that when your heart is still with a man who didn’t even love you enough to stay faithful to you.”

I shook my head. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Don’t I? You seem to have forgotten that I’ve been there from the start. I’ve watched you go through highs and lows. I was there through every single one of your albums, through the heartbreaks and joys that inspired those songs. You can’t write because you gave so much of yourself to that asshole that you no longer remember who you were before him.

“So I brought you here. Away from the noise and the media. Away from everything that reminded you of him. And I tried to remind you of who you are. The horse ride and painting. The visit to the sanctuary. Remember how happy you were meeting the wolves? That was the real you, Kira. You were carefree and capable of seeing the beauty in everything. I saw glimpses of the old you, Kira, and I thought you were finally back. So I drove back to the city to get your old guitar.”

My eyes widened, and he nodded.

“That’s right. I figured it was the last key to unlocking the old you. I left and came back to find him here, his hands all over you, and you still in love with him.”

“That’s not true,” I cried, leaving the tears to fall. There was no point in stopping them now. “I don’t love him anymore. I sent him away, for crying out loud. Would I have done that if I was still in love with him?”

“I heard the pause, Kira. I also heard you tell me to leave you alone with him while you wore my collar around your neck,” he growled, and I saw his body vibrate with fury.

I should be scared of him, but I wasn’t. Perhaps it was the pain dulling my senses, or the fact I knew that he would never hurt me in a million years. Not in this way at least. “So you brought me here to do what? Fix me?” I asked, channeling my hurt to anger.

“Yes,” he said. “I guess I was wasting my time.”

“If this was to remind me of who I was, why the cuffs and the chains, then?” I moved toward him and didn’t stop until I was standing right over his legs. “What was the point of all the games and the sex? How was that supposed to fix me?”

“It wasn’t,” he said slowly, and the cloud of anger in his eyes parted to reveal the pain he was holding inside. I’d hurt him, but I didn’t know how, or that I even could. “It was a stupid fantasy I’d held on to for so long, and I forgot things never go the way you want in the real world.”

“Leon,” I called, wishing he’d be straightforward. “You’re not being fair to me.”

He looked at me, his gaze tender as he cupped my cheeks. “No, I’m not. But I don’t have anything else to give you, Kira. You were so scared of yourself after Anthony that it scared me. I’ve never seen you so indecisive and lost. You stopped trusting yourself and I wanted to remind you that even though trusting yourself sometimes leads to pain, the pleasure that comes from it is worth it.

“You think it’s only about control? The whips and the cuffs?” He shook his head. “It’s not. It’s also about trust. Trusting that I’ll never give you more than you can take. It’s about trusting yourself to walk to the very edge of the cliff and not fall off. I was trying to teach you the power you held in your hands.

“But how can I teach you to trust yourself when you don’t even know who you are? How can I teach you to see how much I love you when you don’t love yourself enough to see that a million Anthonys don’t deserve a second of your time? I’m done trying to teach you.”

His words were like sledgehammers, and I felt my heart break into a million pieces. Somehow, this rejection hurt a million times more than finding out Anthony had been cheating on me, and as I watched him turn around and walk away, leaving me alone in the hallway, I felt my world turn dark.

I stumbled to the kitchen, breathing hard and trying to fit the jumbled pieces of the puzzle together. Leon had said so much, more than I could take, it seems. I poured myself a glass of wine but could not drink it. His words kept ringing in my ears.

“How can I teach you to trust yourself when you don’t even know who you are? How can I teach you to see how much I love you when you don’t love yourself…?”

The pieces clicked, and I froze as I saw what I’d been missing. I didn’t give myself time to change my mind and went to Leon’s room instead. I pushed it open without knocking and entered to find him undressing in front of the closet. His shirt was unbuttoned, and he was taking off his wristwatch.

He barely reacted to my unannounced entrance and casually dropped the watch in the case before shrugging off his shirt.

“I’m tired, Kira. Can we do this tomorrow?”

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