Page 26 of The Music in Me

“I’ve been tied and flogged before,” I said without meeting his eyes. “It’s never felt like this. All I felt was pain. There was no pleasure with it.”

“That fucking bastard!” he growled.

“He didn’t mean to hurt me,” I said quickly, jumping to Anthony’s defense. “He just didn’t know how.”

“That’s because he didn’t care to know how or give a fuck about you. He’s a fucking bastard, and I’ll never stop regretting letting you date him.”

“You didn’t let me date him. I chose to.”

“No, Kira. I let you. I foolishly assumed you’d get bored and tired of him in a few weeks like the others before him. I was wrong. What the fuck did you see in him anyway?”

“Stability,” I said after a while. “I know you hate him, Leon. Sometimes I do. And I’ll even admit he’s a fucking asshole, but in the beginning, he really made me believe I’d found the one.”

“Were you in love with him?” Leon asked.

He kept his eyes on the road, and for a moment, it looked like he was scared of my answer. Except he had no reason to be scared. One weekend. That was all we promised each other. After that… I had no idea what happened after that.

“I don’t know,” I said, answering his question and looking out his window. “I think I did. I certainly told him I did. He did the same and still ended up cheating on me. Makes me wonder if any of it was real.”

“You’ve written too many songs about love to let that asshole make you start doubting that it exists now.”

I shrugged. “Not really the same, though. I mean, I always wrote about finding it. Then I thought I did, but now I’m not sure I did.”

“That’s because you didn’t find love with Anthony. What you found was an asshole who was never good enough for you. Trust me when I say you’ll find love one day, Kira. And when you do, it will be with someone who makes you happy. There'll be no doubt in your heart that it exists.”

Why couldn’t it be him?

The question popped into my head so quickly it gave me whiplash, and as I glanced at Leon, I wondered why I couldn’t fall in love with him. The answer was easy. Because he was not in love with me, and I’d be damned if I ever gave my heart to someone who wasn’t in love with me again.

“You know, something is comically ironic about hearing you defend love so passionately.”

He scowled at me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just thinking of all the women you’ve been with and how many of them wished you were in love with them.”

“Maybe I was waiting for the right one,” he replied in a low voice.

“Well, whoever she is better have really tough skin.”

“Why is that?”

“So she can take all the spanking I know you’re going to give her when she does something you don’t like.”

“She wouldn’t need to be spanked if she does what she’s supposed to.”

“Bullshit,” I said, giggling quietly. “You love doing it. I bet you’ll just find any reason to spank, flog, or paddle her ass.”

“I didn’t hear you complaining last night.”

“That’s because I can take it,” I replied.

“You can take it,” he admitted with a grin

“I can take it.”

“You realize it’s not about the flogger and the paddles, right? Like this stuff is not just about the pain.”

I could tell he was talking about Anthony. “What’s it about then?”

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