Page 46 of My Dearest Mackenzie

I felt my head shaking and took a sip of my wine. “No. Maybe in the beginning, but not now. I’m respected and know what they need, and I only work with a certain level of customer. Someone like yourself, who has money to burn and needs to look on top of his game, all the time.”

“Are you soliciting my business?” He raised an eyebrow. “Was that your intention?”

The twinkle in his left eye let me know he was joking, but I played along. “No, my book is full and I don’t have time for your demands.”

He brought a hand to his heart. “That wounds me.”

Together, we laughed and the mood reset to something between easy and perfect. Conversation flowed as we shared a cheeseburger and fries. Mack dipped a fry in ketchup and fed it to me. The way he stared as I ate it gave me chills.

“Wait!” I was halfway through the fry when I spoke.

Mack raised an eyebrow, and I quickly finished chewing.

“Can you eat a cheeseburger? I feel bad—I suggested it and now you ate it…”

He reached across the table and took my hand. “I don’t keep kosher. Milly did when she grew up and also after marrying my grandpa. But when they got older, she didn’t follow it when she was out of the house. She would take me for cheeseburgers at the local diner, ‘because if you’re going to eat out, it better be for something good’ she’d say.”

“I love the way you smile when you talk about Milly. It’s clear she was such a bright spot in your life.”

I felt his fingers tighten on mine. “She was the only bright spot for a long time, and now I’ve let her down.”

Taking another sip of my wine, I dared to ask, “Do you want to see the second letter?”

“Did you read it?”

I nodded.

“Did she mention my sad state of affairs again?”

Thankfully, I was able to say, “No.”

With our hands still tangled on the table, I felt his foot slide my way and touch my ankle. They were intimate gestures among two people, both with cracks in their past and fears twisted with misconceptions when it came to love. But it was a start. A beginning to what might be a new middle for us both.

“How about you tell me? Give me the condensed version.”

He took his hand away for a moment to take a chug of his drink, quickly returning it to my already painfully lonesome fingers.

“Well, it started with her new usual. ‘My Dearest James.’ She wrote the same explanation of him not being her Jimmy anymore, and then went on to elaborate on how him not being hers was her biggest regret.” I stopped and took a long breath, dragging in air and courage before I said the next part. “The letter appears to be written on the day she was diagnosed. She mentioned just leaving the doctor and not knowing what to do other than write to her Jimmy, like she did during the year they were falling in love. Writing letters had become her way of coping, she explained. She had a separate line for not having the heart to tell her Dear Mackenzie.” I whispered the last part.

He nodded. “I never knew about the cancer until after she died.” My heart ached for the many burdens Mack toted around, but I didn’t have time to tell him because he said, “Go on.”

“She detailed how you had done so well in school and how you were making strides in the industry and becoming the man she always knew you would be. She went on to say that you would make a dedicated husband and father one day like she was sure my Paps was.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. I wasn’t sure what he needed from me—comforting, more information, or for me to plain shut up.

“Go on,” he repeated.

It was clear he wanted me to finish. I thought about lying and saying that was it, but he’d see the letter eventually. After all, they were his. “She explained how she knew my Paps would never see the letter, and how she had not been brave enough to reach out since the day at the store. But that writing down about her dying and telling him, made it feel real…” It all came flying out, jumbled, and without my taking a breath.

He motioned to continue with his hand.

“She assured him she’d had love and caring in her life, and her children went on to do as much as any mom would wish. Susie being the one who went on to live a fuller life, marry and have many kids, probably because her life began further away from Milly’s heartache. She told him about the regret she felt over your dad being born so close to her being ripped away from the love of her life. Then it was mostly a lot of gushy stuff. She’d die always loving her Jimmy and would be watching from above.”

“Jeez,” Mack breathed out. “I had no idea she harbored something like this. At least I’m successful and rich and the company is threefold what it was…because I’m certainly not a husband or father.”

“Yet. Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. I wasn’t being presumptuous—” In an instant, the frivolity of sharing a burger was long forgotten.

He didn’t speak to my ridiculous statement. He simply said, “Let’s get out of here.”

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