Page 38 of Out of Office

No fear, no healing path would remove the magnetism I felt for her. Opening up still seemed like a daunting process but the rewards would be plentiful if it all went well. After everything my family had gone through, I had learned to appreciate life and all its facets. It was why I tried so hard for balance, but what good was balance if I was not happy with it? Gen made me happy, having her in my life for good and for worse materialized as a dream worthy of reaching. A dream worthy of fighting for.

Which meant I had to make difficult decisions very soon.

Seventeen

Adrián

The plantains were heavy on my back as Julín and I brought them into La Buenona. As heavy as my wondering mind, filled with aspirations, plans, and pending conversations.

Laying my plans for the future, I’d sat down with Claudia and Mario a week ago. The conversation went much better than expected. I’d been afraid they found me selfish for thinking of uprooting my life away from them, but all Claudia’s words had been of encouragement.

“Listen, we know Dad proposed to Mami two weeks after meeting her, if they could do it, you can too. Sometimes we can’t overthink these things. That is not how the heart works. Sometimes your heart tells you what you need to continue living and you have two options: be miserable or answer the call. No matter what you decide, we are here for you,” Claudia had said, embracing me with so much love, it was the confidence boost I needed.

“Damn, Claudia, you look rough,” Julín told her as we dropped the bunches in the pantry.

“Oh, you have a death wish, lovely,” Claudia said between sniffles.

I approached her cautiously, giving her a pat on the back.

“Go take a nap. I got this. I can stay. I’m alright.”

“No, you aren’t. You’ve been wired ever since you decided to propose to Gen.”

Here I was, attempting to be a good brother, and Claudia just blabbered my potential plans.

“What?” Julín whirled on his feet and stared at me.

I sighed, knowing what was coming and not wanting to deal with it yet.

“I... I’m considering asking Genevieve to marry me.”

“And when were you gonna say something?” Julín crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against one of the kitchen tables.

“Ahh ya vas, Julín. Everyone can see Adri is in love with that girl. And you’re gonna have to tuck in your jealousy and deal.”

I flinched at Julín’s expression of pain, but it quickly transformed into anger.

“What is going to happen with LasDell Transportation? Am I supposed to hold the fort on my own?”

“Ay por favor, you have the drivers now, and Adri can help from afar with all the paperwork and dispatching. Working remotely is the future. Life is too short. We learned that with our parents—” Claudia stopped when she saw my expression. She had zero patience for Julín. Many people didn’t, which was why I was protective of him. Claudia meant well, but I hadn’t been able to speak with Julín; my plan was to do it today before we drove back to the city.

“Fine, yes, you’re right, Claudia. I’ll be out by the car.” Julín stormed out, leaving Claudia and me in silence.

“Well, I was right. You should be able to make decisions without worrying about us.”

“But I do... I do. And Julín...he’s always had my back.”

“Oh, honey, I know...listen, I can’t imagine how it’s been for the two of you in this cruel world. And you know, Mama, Papa, and I, even though we initially didn’t fully understand, always wanted the best for you. Julín...sometimes I feel he...he doesn’t see you. He sees the version of you he wants to see. That’s all.”

I stood by the stove, feeling the tug and pull of weeks—the weight of my decision holding me down from what should be the best time of my life.

“Am I making the right choice...we’ve talked about the next steps, but...there is always that wall. She has a career, and I have you.” And the unspoken fear was how would Gen react to such a sudden proposal? She had her life mapped out up to how she was going to utilize her 401(k) once retired. Nothing about my life fit in her plan, but she’d been dropping hints about being open to changes in her trajectory that I hoped I’d read well. We’d spoken of what-if—what if she’d met me on a date in Florida, or what if she worked in the Tropics in Panamá. The feelings of hope were reciprocal.

“And you have us wherever you are. You light up when you talk about her. You’re walking around Villa Bonita with a goofy smile and...”

“Okay, you’ve called me a fool in love enough.” I pushed away from the stove and embraced her, letting her love pacify my qualms. She squeezed my cheeks as if I hadn’t just told her to stop mothering me and nudged me down to her level. “What if...what if my sexuality...” I reminded her, and myself, that even though I hadn’t openly discussed my sexuality with Gen I hadn’t hidden it either. It chafed to have to “come out” to people that were heterosexual when they did not have to do the same thing. However, maybe it did not matter to her because we were just dating, but if we were to marry...

“That girl doesn’t strike me as closed-minded and cruel. And remember you are in no closet,” she insisted.

---