Page 165 of The Influencer

“Asher… Fuck. What do you want me to say? Last night I was afraid you were gonna drive off into the ocean. This whole last year has seriously messed you up, and Jade’s not helping.”

“Who says he’s not helping?”

Adam stares down at me like he’s not sure where I’m going with this. “Last night, you told me your relationship with Jade had been a huge mistake. Do you remember that?”

He’s taking the words completely out of context, but yeah. The word mistake had been used. “Uh-huh.”

“You said you were overwhelmed—that it was too much, and you weren’t ready. And then you started to cry for half a fucking hour.”

“Yes, I remember. And I have a terrible headache. But what gives you the right to break my date?”

“When we talked at the last party—you said you had my back, and I said I’d have yours, too. That I wouldn’t take my eye off the ball again. I was too wrapped up in Sawyer to notice what was going on with Olivia, but I promised not to make the same mistake next time, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“So, I was trying to help.”

I take a deep breath in an attempt to mitigate all the emotions I’m having so I don’t lose my shit on my brother before his bachelor party, which he’s oddly excited about. My concern about Jade is top of mind, but I’m also really, truly pissed off. However, historically, when confronted, Adam shuts down when I yell at him, so I’m trying my best not to do that because this can’t happen again. He has got to stay the fuck out of my life. I’m not helpless anymore.

I am, however, allowed to express strong emotions. I’m allowed to fall for a man. I’m even allowed to fuck it up. I’m allowed to have boundaries that no one can cross unless I invite them in. Boundaries have never existed between my brother and me, but he’s crossed a line this time.

I begin in a low, careful tone. “I’ve been living with Jade for more than three months. In that time, he’s told me he loves me at least twice a day, every single day. And I haven’t said it back. Do you understand how that made me feel?”

Adam works his jaw from side to side and gives his head a slight shake.

“Like shit,” I say. “Like broken, useless shit. Because he’s the actual best person I’ve ever met. And I wasn’t fucking ready for him. And he deserves so much better.”

“Ash…”

“He makes me feel like a gift, Adam. Like buried treasure.”

“That’s…you didn’t…”

“He’s not Olivia. He could never—ever be like Olivia, but I’ve been standing behind a wall with him, trying so goddamn hard not to let him get to me, and at first, I thought it was because I felt guilty about cheating on her with him in the first place, and then I realized that wasn’t it. So I thought, well, maybe it’s more to do with the fact that since I’ve never been alone before, I might need to watch my step before I jump into anything. Maybe I need to be on my own awhile. But I pushed that aside, too, because he was gonna leave anyway so being alone would come soon enough, and why not have fun, just not get too involved, you know?”

“That makes sense,” Adam says, relaxing into the wall, seeming willing to listen and not rush me anymore.

“But what I realized when I left last night and came here was that I haven’t spent a single night without him since I came back from Seattle. And in two weeks, he’s gonna fucking be gone, and I only gave him scraps while he was giving me everything.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Adam says.

“He gave me every fucking thing—his body, his time, his whole heart, and I gave him nothing.”

Adam pushes off the wall and sits down beside me, shoulder to shoulder. “That’s why you were crying?”

“That and the fact that I love him, and he’s leaving.”

“You understand how I could have misinterpreted, right? You were kind of incoherent.”

Yeah, I’m a pretty fucking ugly crier. I don’t do it much, and it’s an all-encompassing experience. Last night was a breakdown of monstrous proportions because all I could think about was Jade’s hand on my face and those four little words I kept brushing off like they were meaningless: “We’ll figure it out.”

“I’m so upset,” I say.

Adam puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in.

“And now he’s upset because you stuck your big nose where it doesn’t belong again and made an even bigger mess.”

“I’ll call him,” my brother says.

---