Page 37 of Finding Love

And my world is shaken.

“How can you do this when we were so happy yesterday?” I ask, searching for something hidden in her eyes. It has to be there. I refuse to believe otherwise.

That’s what makes her chin quiver and reveals what’s going on inside her. She can’t turn her feelings on and off. “But then last night happened,” she whispers. Her jaw tightens, and her eyes go hard rather than welling up the way I expected. “You reminded me of who you are.”

My fingers press into her flesh until she winces, but it’s not enough to make me lay off. If I loosen my grip, I’ll lose her. “I did that for you.” I’m practically pleading with her now.

“Oh, please. Don’t do me any favors.” With a grunt of determination, she pulls herself free and turns her back to me. “This is what I need to do. If you love me, you’ll let me do it.”

I step up behind her, barely able to breathe. This cannot happen. But it is. “I could tie you to the bed right now and make sure you never leave,” I murmur, tracing her waist with both hands, running them up and down before pulling her ass against my crotch. “You know I could,” I add, knowing our attraction is the final thing left in my arsenal to keep her with me.

“And I know you won’t.” For once, she doesn’t succumb to me. My heart goes cold and still as she zips up the duffel bag, then a small, wheeled suitcase.

This can’t be happening. “Don’t leave me, Emilia,” I growl out. I hear the desperation in my voice, but what the hell? She knows what she’s doing. What’s the point of keeping my pride when the only person I give a damn about is ready to walk out of my life?

“I have to go. I knew you wouldn’t understand. That’s why I wanted to leave before you came back. I can’t stay here,” she insists, and now her voice is shaking. She’s losing strength. She doesn’t want this, I know it. I feel it in the depths of my cold, heartless soul.

A flash of hope brings inspiration with it. “Then stay up at the house,” I suggest, still speaking to the back of her head. “There’s an empty room across from Guilia’s or any of the other guestrooms. It doesn’t matter which.”

“You don’t get it.” Her head hangs low before she sighs, but her body is rigid. She’s not about to give in to me. “I don’t want to be with you.”

The words take my breath away, but the way she delivers them slams into me like a wrecking ball. “You’re lying,” I snarl out as I spin her in place and lock an arm around her back, crushing her against me. “That’s a fucking lie. At least have the balls to tell me the truth!”

“That is the truth,” she states, her blue eyes piercing mine. Is that pity I hear? Somehow, it only makes things worse. “After what I saw, I don’t want to be with you. I know what you thought you were doing, and I know you’re going to use that excuse for the rest of your life. You hurt somebody? Killed them? Well, you were only doing what you thought you had to do to protect somebody you love.”

“That’s who I am.”

Her brows draw together before she whispers, “Exactly.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t want me.” This is pathetic, beneath me, but I would do anything so long as she stays. I would lie on this floor and let her walk on me or use me as a punching bag, I don’t care. I am not losing her again, especially not over something like this.

There’s no denying that the light has left her eyes. All of the warmth, affection, and playfulness I saw in her days ago is gone. I extinguished that light because I thought she might be in danger.

“I won’t act without thinking again,” I vow, as close to blind panic as I’ve been since the night she was abducted. With my heart pounding and my stomach twisting, adrenaline is racing through my system and demanding I fight.

“You say that now because you would say anything to make me stay. It’s not going to work. I am sorry,” she insists, and her voice trembles again. “But I can’t forget what I saw. I tried. I told myself to. I can’t do it.”

This isn’t possible. I can’t let it happen. I refuse. “Even though I did it because I thought I was protecting you?” I ask in disbelief.

“Even then.” There’s sadness in her voice, but she’s firm. “I need you to let me go so I can finish. This is going to happen whether you want it to or not. I could make a phone call and have the police here in a heartbeat, along with my parents, my father’s lawyer friends, and the local news. I don’t want to do that.” She holds my stare when she adds, “Don’t make me do it, Luca.”

“I love you, Emilia.” It’s the only truth I have to cling to as she backs away from me, pulling her bags from the bed while I feel like I’ve been through a hurricane. In a way, I have. My life has been flattened in the process, ripped to shreds. And I have no reason to rebuild.

“I know you do.” Now a tear rolls down her cheek, which she quickly, almost angrily wipes away. “And that doesn’t make this easier for me.”

Her choice of words sets off a firestorm in my head. “What a fucking shame this can’t be easy for you,” I snap before picking up one of her boxes. “Let me help you. I’m sure you’re in a hurry.”

The pity in her eyes does something dangerous to me. I can’t be around her while my heart shatters to oblivion. “Take your bags outside,” I growl out. “Put on your coat, get your purse. You’re not stepping back into this house once you’re out the door. I’ll bring out the rest and have Vinny load up the car.”

She hesitates for a split second before lowering her head and continuing through the house, stopping by the door for her coat. I step past her, dropping the box on the porch before whistling for Vinny. “Get the car!” I call out. “You’re going to Brooklyn!”

Emilia groans softly from inside. “Luca, please…” I ignore her bullshit whispers, returning to the bedroom for the other boxes, laser-focused on getting through this. Living from one breath or heartbeat to the next is the most I can manage.

Stop her. The command rings out in my head like a gong, reverberating through me, but I know it’s no use. I’ve already debased myself enough for her, and why? For what? For her to pity me?

Still, something holds me in place instead of letting me go straight to the porch with the other two boxes. I wait, watching as she looks around one final time before going out with her bags and closing the door behind her.

The click of the knob is all it takes to get me moving. I open the bottom drawer of my dresser, where the letters I’ve written her have sat unread all these weeks. She might not want to see me, but I need her to know we were always real and that I’ve loved her as much and as hard as I could.

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