Page 42 of Dirty Ginger

He didn’t want her near this, near him while he buried his father. “I can’t…” He swallowed deeply, shaking his head, feeling the anger roaring beneath the surface. And the worst part was, the last thing he wanted to do was talk to his therapist about the shit he felt right now. Feeling like he hung from a thin thread, he said, “I’m not in a good headspace right now. I need you to trust me that I have to do this alone.”

“Beckett, you’re being silly,” she said. “Let me help you through this difficult time.”

The gentleness in her voice ripped his heart out, and he pushed his own desires aside to keep the promise he made to himself a long time ago. “When I started to get better during therapy, I promised myself that if you ever let me back into your life, that none of this dark shit would ever touch you again. I lost you once because my pain devoured me, and I couldn’t see a way to make sure that didn’t affect you too. I can’t see through anything right now. All I can focus on is the anger I feel roaring through me. I won’t break that promise, Amelia. I can’t.”

She drew in a sharp breath, leaning back on her legs. “Please don’t shut me out again. I can deal with anything, but I can’t deal with that.”

“I’m not shutting you out. This isn’t the same thing. I just need to get my head together.” Barely able to stand the way she watched him with emotion-packed eyes, he rose, and she released him, but she didn’t rise. “I’m sorry, Amelia. I need time. Please give it to me.” He nearly walked by her but stopped, forcing himself to speak his truth and turned back to her. Tears ran down her cheeks and the sight nearly sent him to his knees as the walls began to get closer and closer, until he could barely draw air through his lungs. “I can’t hurt you again. Not like before. I can’t let my pain affect you. Please understand, I need to deal with this alone.”

“Beckett,” she whispered, her chin quivering.

He saw the pain rippling on her face. The agony she endured realizing that the past was touching them again. That no matter what he did, this hell followed him, and he couldn’t keep her safe from it.

“I’m sorry.” His throat squeezed tight as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and then he did the only thing he could do, he walked out of the hospital and prepared himself to bury another one of his family members.

---