Page 4 of The Alien I Fell in Love with on Walpurgis Night

“Stop! Stop! I’ll do whatever you want! Please don’t hurt me,” she shrieks over and over again.

“You have my word on the goddesses I will not hurt you intentionally. You need to be able to speak to me so that I know the translator is working. It would be very inconvenient if you lost your voice now.”

I begin programming the translator. I’m going to assume that this language she’s shouting in is her native language. I insert the translator above her ear. She makes a little whimper and I automatically say, “Zzzz,” to calm her. Then I continue to hold her stationary while I wait for the device to begin working. It seems like every second lasts as long as a minute. I begin to wonder if I’ve given her brain damage. There’s galactic gossip that human brains aren’t sophisticated enough for translators. I never believed that, but now that this is taking an extraordinarily long time, I begin to doubt myself. Relief spreads through me once the translator says it’s ‘online.’ Then I say as sincerely as I can in Alliance, “I am not going to hurt you.”

“Then let me go!” she roars back.

I’m thrilled she’s not brain damaged. I take my medical palmer and heal her chin and neck so she won’t have bruises. Then I release her from her bindings and back away to give her space. I helplessly watch as she frantically runs her fingers to where I inserted the translation device.

“What did you put in me?” She’s looking for the device like there’s a rogue insect in her hair.

“It’s a translation device. It won’t hurt you.”

She looks at me in complete shock. “Why are you grey? Did you paint yourself for Walpurgisnacht?”

“No. I didn’t paint myself. I’m not the Devil either,” I add as an afterthought. “I’m not from your planet.”

She looks at me in disbelief.

“I’m not. And that’s the thing. I need your help.”

“My help? I’m a foreigner here too.”

“No, I mean I need your help getting off planet Earth. I need to return to my home on the other side of the galaxy.”

She laughs at me. “Is this some kind of joke that the local people play on tourists? Okay, so funny.” She looks around the small rustic cabin. “Where are the cameras? Where’s everyone that’s going to laugh at me for believing this?”

I look around the small cabin too. We are alone. Then I look back at her. “This is no joke.”

She looks around the empty room again and then back at me. The cabin is completely silent except for our breathing. After a few seconds she says, “Okay fine, I’ll play along. I hope I win something afterward for my stellar performance. I was the lead in South Pacific in high school. I have no shame in drama for drama’s sake, even if this is a budget sci-fi production.”

I have no idea what she’s talking about, but it doesn’t matter. I need to get back to the Capital Planet as quickly as possible. “Good. I need you to pretend to be my wife. Once we convince the Alliance Force, who guards Earth, that we are married and they provide me with passage home, then I’ll return you. I will pay you in Earth’s currency for your time and effort.” I take out the suitcase and show her the human currency I preemptively procured to entice a human woman to help me in this endeavor. Judging by the look on her face, this is more than enough money to buy me a temporary human wife.

4

Georgiana

When I see the cash I think, Either this is fake or this isn’t a budget production. Most likely billionaires have set this up for their own entertainment. “Do I really get to keep all of that money if I play along?” I heard Germans have a strange sense of humor, but I didn’t think it would be this strange. “How do you have so much money? How much is in there?”

The grey man hands me a receipt from the bank. He is offering me 200,000 Swiss Francs in 100 Franc notes. And it’s in this slim suitcase. That’s more than 200,000 US dollars. That would be enough for me to pay back my student loans, credit cards, and still have a lot left over to start a new life debt free.

“Why do you have Swiss francs?” I ask, relieved he’s speaking English now, but it’s odd he doesn’t have any trace of an accent.

“It’s a good currency. I heard it was the best on Earth.”

Patriotism runs through me. “The US dollar is the best on Earth, but I’ll still take Swiss Francs if it’s the prize money.”

He gives me a quizzical look, but I like the way one of his eyebrows raises when he does it so I let it go. Despite being grey he’s handsome. He has an impressive jaw line and the kind of thin long eyes that make him appear stoic.

“Never mind. Whatever the currency, I’ll take the money if I win. What are the rules? How were we selected? Who’s sponsoring this? And how long will this game last? Who are the other competitors?”

“I don’t know. But I promise you, you will get to keep the money if you convince the alien border patrol that we are married.”

“Okay. Are they going to give us a test? How will they know if we are married or not? Do I need to paint myself grey too?”

“No. You can be yourself. And yes, they are going to give us a test. So we need to come up with a plausible story of how we came to be married.”

Excited by the possibility of winning so much cash, I begin thinking out loud. “How could I have met and married an alien? We could have met at a cosplay convention, I suppose.”

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