Page 106 of What I Should've Said

My life and all its scary parts flash before me like a blinding light. And then, peace.

Just like that…we’ve made it to the good part.

Tuesday, November 9th

Norah

With Bennett’s new paintbrush tucked in my mouth, I grab the mug of coffee I just made in one hand and my laptop in the other and rush to the side door of the house to get to the studio.

For the past few weeks, he’s been back in his studio and painting. And with the pace he’s been going lately, I know he’s been up and working for hours. But when it comes to me being able to wake up in the mornings and start my day when he starts his, this pregnancy is kicking my ass.

I’m halfway there when my phone rings in my pocket, and I have to shuffle to figure out how I can free up a hand. Bennett’s log-splitting station is nearby, so I make a quick jog, set down the steaming coffee, and grab my phone out of my pocket just as the ringtone is coming to an end.

There’s no time to look at the caller, so on a wing and a prayer, I put it up to my ear and say, “Hello?”

“Hi there. May I speak with Norah Ellis, please?”

My eyebrows knit together slightly. “This is she.”

“Hi, Norah. My name’s Amanda. I’m Dr. Vesper’s nurse, calling from Burlington Women’s Group. Dr. Vesper wanted me to call to let you know that we got the results of the genetic testing back from your blood work.”

Tears sting my eyes as every emotion flashes through me in a blink. Hope and worry and happiness and a sad, deep longing for Summer. Missing her is just part of who I am now. And I know that goes for Bennett, too, but on an even deeper level.

Two weeks after he proposed and we reunited, I had my first ultrasound, and the audible sounds of our baby’s heartbeat brought us both to tears. It felt like Summer was in the room with us. Like she was right there, watching the screen, and witnessing her little brother or sister move around in my belly.

But ever since then, in the back of my mind, I’ve been waiting on pins and needles to find out the results of my blood work.

“Do you have a minute for me to go over them with you?”

I inhale a deep breath and brace myself. “Yes.”

It doesn’t matter that I’m standing in the middle of the frigid outdoors of Vermont in November or that I was already running behind. I’d stop in a pool of fresh lava to hear this without delay.

“Okay, great. Let’s see. As far as genetic abnormalities…we didn’t find any. With the risk of OI, we’ll likely do another ultrasound at eighteen weeks or so to be conclusive, but Dr. Vesper is fairly confident we’re looking at a happy, healthy baby.”

I swallow hard, putting a hand over my mouth to stop a sob. Everything inside me feels like it’s just been released from a vise. “We can also tell you the sex, if you’d like. Is that something you’re interested in knowing, or would you like to wait?”

Truly, I hadn’t even considered whether we’d find out or not, but right now, in this moment, I know with absolute certainty. “I want to know.”

“Well then, congratulations. It’s a girl!”

It’s all I can do to get out a shaky, “Thank you,” and hang up the phone before stumbling through fallen leaves the rest of the way into Bennett’s studio. His coffee cup is forgotten, and if the dang thing wasn’t so expensive, I definitely would have left the laptop behind too.

As it is, I carry it just inside the door and ditch it as soon as I can. A leaf sticks to my bare foot, and I lean down to pull it off.

Like a lightning bolt, it hits me.

The leaves that’ve hit me in the face every time I’ve gone to Summer’s grave, the leaves at my feet, the leaf I just pulled away… Summer may be gone for now, but our sweet girl made sure to bring us the next season.

“Autumn,” I say, startling Bennett from his work as he notices my red-mottled skin and altogether rattled exterior for the first time.

“What? Jeez, Norah, are you okay? How long were you outside like that?” He rushes toward me, putting down his brushes and wiping his hands before pulling me into his arms and rubbing at mine vigorously to encourage more circulation.

“I’m fine. I’m good. Actually, I’m great. I…well, I stopped to take a phone call from the OB’s office.”

Bennett’s entire body freezes.

“They were calling to tell me that the genetic testing came back normal.” His eyes fall closed, and I swear I feel the sting of his tears in my own nose. “And they also told me it’s a girl.”

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