Page 42 of Birds of a Feather

Gerry’s face contorted as her brow furrowed and her eyes squinted and filled with tears.

‘I’m sorry,’ she blurted, tears spilling down her face. ‘I’m just so angry, and sad, and relieved and—’

She stood up abruptly, disappearing into the other room, and reappeared a moment later with a box of tissues encased in a decoupage box that she placed on the coffee table in front of them.

‘The thing is …’ Her voice cracked and she paused before continuing. ‘You were my first love. Our relationship shaped all the ones I’ve had since. Before I met you, I knew I was a lesbian; I knew I wasn’t attracted to men. This terrified me because I didn’t know what it meant for my life; for my future.’ She blew her nose and continued. ‘When we met, I found that I could be happy. It mightn’t have looked like what I was told it should be – marriage to a man and a gaggle of children. But I knew happiness with you.’ She dabbed at her eyes. ‘After I left Australia and I didn’t hear from you, I didn’t think I’d ever be that happy again.’

‘Oh, Gerry,’ Elise muttered through the apple-sized lump in her throat.

‘At the time, I thought that my love was unrequited,’ Gerry continued, ‘or that I was being punished for my ungodly attractions. I held onto that feeling for years. I spent ages not being able to fully give myself over to love, in fear that it would be taken away from me again.’

Elise searched for something to say. ‘I’m sorry, Gerry,’ she offered in lieu of anything more poignant. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I mean, I have loved,’ Gerry said, her tone lightening a touch. ‘Just not with the gay abandon that I had when I handed my heart over to you.’

They both chuckled at her pun. Gerry’s expression softened again.

‘Lord, when I think of the number of times I asked Miss Too-Priss whether there was any mail for me …’ Elise started. ‘And all the while, she was keeping it from me. Keeping you from me.’ Elise felt a fresh flush of fury rise inside her. ‘Who did she think she was?’ she spat, allowing her anger a voice.

‘You know, one thing I’ve learned over the years is that when people think they’ve got “right” on their side,’ Gerry said, making air quotes with her fingers, ‘they’re capable of doing just about anything.’

Silence settled between them.

‘Honestly, I didn’t know what was right or wrong after you left,’ Elise said finally. ‘I was so certain about my feelings for you. I loved you wholly. Completely.’

Gerry reached for her hand again.

‘But it wasn’t because you were a woman, or even in spite of you being a woman. It was because you were you. Does that make sense?’

Gerry nodded.

‘After you left, I felt like part of me had died. It did die. And then I met John, which confused me even more. I didn’t know at the time about bisexuality. I grew to love him, and I enjoyed being with him. He was kind and generous, and was always looking for ways to make our lives better. He was completely supportive of my career, and championed me to keep working where other husbands might have wanted to pigeonhole me as a housewife. And he was a wonderful, kind father and doting grandfather …’

Elise trailed off, becoming self-conscious talking about John with such affection, but Gerry was nodding supportively.

‘I just don’t want you to think I chose the “easy” route by marrying John.’

Gerry smiled warmly. ‘I would never assume anything.’

‘We had a good life,’ Elise continued. ‘But that doesn’t detract from what I felt … what I feel for you.’

‘Of course, it doesn’t. I know what we had. I was there too, remember. You don’t have to convince me of anything.’ She smiled nostalgically.

‘I used to dream of you, you know?’ Elise said. Gerry’s eyebrows slid up her forehead. ‘Yep. On and off for years. Sometimes you’d come back and tell me through sobs and kisses that there had been a big misunderstanding. We would exchange promises that we’d never be apart again, and run off into the sunset like in the movies. Other nights, you would taunt and tease me, and tell me that you’d never loved me at all.’

‘I’m sorry Dream Me was such a bitch,’ Gerry joked. ‘If it makes you feel any better, a couple of times I thought I saw you.’

‘Really?’ Elise asked.

‘One time I was so convinced it was you that I followed someone two blocks before I caught up with her. It wasn’t, of course. But I hoped.’

They both sat back on the sofa as silence hung between them. It felt right to spend a few moments allowing some of the dust to settle.

‘That Too-Priss cow,’ Gerry said, shaking her head slowly. ‘I know we can’t dwell on what might have been … but it would have saved a lot of heartache knowing what had actually happened.’

The clock on the mantle chimed to indicate the hour.

‘Will you stay?’ Gerry asked as she placed her hand on the side of Elise’s face.

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