Page 65 of Moving Forward

We’d all spent the summer saving our money to rent a cabin at the ski lodge up in the mountains over winter break. I didn’t like the idea—the genes I got from my parents dictated I would never be good at any physical activity, skiing included—but Ethan seemed so excited, so I couldn’t say no to him.

On our third day at the lodge, Ethan fell and hit head his head on one of the slopes. He acted like it was nothing and to be honest, it seemed like nothing. There really was hardly any blood, all of his motor skills were intact, and he was acting like his normal self.

He agreed to lie down for a while. And when I went to go check on him later . . . he was gone. For the briefest second, I was able to fool myself into believing he was napping. He looked peaceful sprawled out on the bed, his eyes closed and a small smile curved on his lips. So peaceful I wanted to kiss him, something that instantly reminded me of the night before when we’d made love for the first time.

Then the wrongness of it all hit me.

Earlier that morning, he’d woken me up by pressing a trail of kisses down my spine. He told me in a husky whisper that set my nerves on fire that he couldn’t wait to get into our new, pristine bedsheets so we could rumple and ruin them. He had even called down to the reception desk to make sure our sheets had been ironed not once, but twice. That phone call had me giggling, turned on and ultra-embarrassed.

It was inappropriate for that to be running through my mind, but it was, and my gut clenched. Something told me I needed to turn around and walk back out of the room, not stopping until my feet were blistered and I couldn’t go any further. Anything would be better than what I was about to find. Only I was in an out-of-body situation, unable to stop myself from going to him.

After I realized he wasn’t breathing, I know I screamed. I remember Danny’s choked sobs as he fumbled with his phone to call 911, but beyond that, time seemed to cease. I’m not sure how long I lay next to him, staring at his handsome features as I waited for him to break into his goofy smile. Like a mantra, I kept thinking, This is not real. It can’t be.

Only it was.

“Please don’t cry, Max,” Ellie says, bringing me out of my memories.

I wipe my eyes. “Ellie . . .”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you sad. I just need you to know the reason I acted the way I did was because it felt like I was reliving that night. Only this time it wasn’t Ethan . . . it was you.” She pulls a pillow to her chest and hugs it. “I’ve said it a million times, but you’re not just my best friend—you’re my sister. I’ve already lost one sibling, and losing another . . .”

I pull her into a hug without thinking, squeezing her tight and closing my eyes. “You didn’t lose me. And you’re not going to, okay?”

She sniffles. “You’re not going to hate me for the rest of your life and dye my wedding dress blue?”

“Well, the plan was orange.” I pause and release her. “The way you reacted makes sense. It hurt a lot, but I understand.”

“I should probably work on thinking before I act, huh?” She plays idly with the comforter, her mouth moving like she’s on the verge of saying something but it won’t come out.

“Something else bothering you?” I ask.

She tucks her chin to her chest. “I visited Cain.”

I blink. “You did? How is he?”

“Not good,” she admits. “I could tell he really wants to see you—it’s clear how he feels about you—but he’s fighting it. He thinks you’re better off without him. I tried to tell him otherwise, but I already did my damage by validating that thought at the hospital.”

I bite my shaking lip. “I wish he’d let me have a say in his decision to stay away.”

“I told him that. Maybe he’ll realize he’s better with you, and you with him.”

“Maybe.” But I doubt it.

“We had a nice conversation. It’s a shame that it didn’t happen before . . . I might’ve been more understanding, rather than reacting so horribly.”

I’m sure my silence speaks louder than words. It’s going to take time to forgive her for chasing Cain off.

“Could you really move on with him?” she asks.

“Yes. He makes me feel . . . I can’t describe it. Ethan and I were opposites and that worked for us—it was what I needed at the time. But Cain and I are similar, and he understands me in a way no one else does—he’s what I need now.”

“I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on.” She closes her eyes briefly. “He isn’t Ethan and that kills me. But as long as Cain loves you and treats you just as well as my brother did, he’ll be just as deserving of you.”

“Thank you for saying that, Ellie.” Now it’s my turn to say something I couldn’t bring myself to voice before. I have to tell her. “I need to tell you something.”

“That doesn’t make me nervous or anything.”

“I know we always planned that I would stay in Orchard Valley, even after Ethan died. I wanted to . . .” I shake my head. “I can’t. Even though you and Danny and your family are here . . . I can’t stay. Not without him. I need to live a life that isn’t what could have been.”

---