Page 103 of Moving Forward

He slips out of his chair and drops to one knee. “I knew you were the one from the moment I saw you, Max. I felt like the whole world had tilted, caught in your orbit. In that moment, you stole my heart, my love, and my soul. You proved to me that not only can I love someone, but that I can be loved. You showed me that life is about living because some don’t have the same opportunity. It’s about waking up every day glad to start fresh, and being even gladder that it’s you I get to wake up to. I don’t want to spend another day without you. I don’t want to wake up without being able to call you my wife, Peaches.”

He laughs. “I definitely don’t want to have to survive another day of Erin and Ellie yelling at me about not proposing to you. But most importantly, I want you to accept this”—he opens the ring box and takes out a princess-cut engagement ring—“as my promise that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together. Will you make me the luckiest man alive and marry me?”

Tears stream down my cheeks as I simply nod my head, too emotional to say anything.

“That’s a yes, Peaches?” he asks, grinning.

“Yes,” I manage.

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The ring still feels right on my finger, as if it’s always belonged there. He made the perfect choice—it's unassuming but beautiful, with Forever isn’t long enough with you etched into the inside of the band.

We moved into an apartment not long after our reunion. We plan on buying a house soon, but we didn’t want to rush, and we had a lot of catching up to do that we couldn’t exactly take care of under my parents’ roof.

And trust me, we've been catching up. A lot. Today is only the second time we’ve left the apartment for anything except errands and work. We’re going to Orchard Valley to stay with his Grams for a few days. We have something important to do: visit Ethan’s grave. After witnessing Cain heal, I realized I also needed to face my own tragedy. I should’ve visited Ethan a long time ago, and I regret that it’s only happening for the first time now. But I don’t think I could have done it without Cain.

“Will you stay with me?” I ask Cain.

I expect him to say no. I mean, really, who would stay with their fiancée while she talks to her other, deceased fiancé? It’s bound to be awkward, regardless of how much I love Cain or how much he loves me. But he doesn’t even pause. “Of course. Whatever you need.”

We search the cemetery for the headstone I’ve never seen. My knees start shaking when Cain jolts to a stop and points to a plot shaded by an oak tree. The headstone is about as grand as Ethan’s personality, with Ethan Thomas Miller—forever loved, forever missed, and forever remembered etched in bold writing. There is a fresh bouquet of lilies on top. I guess the Millers visited Ethan recently too. I bet there was never a lack of fresh flowers for him.

“You should talk to him.” Cain kisses my temple. “Let me start.”

He pulls away from me and kneels, placing a hand on the headstone for balance. It’s like he’s placing his hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “Hey, man. So, I get that I’m probably the last person you want to visit you. Either you’re up there still stewing about the last time we met up, or you’re watching me steal your girl. Maybe both. Regardless, I hope you can see I’m not the same guy you knew—or I’m trying not to be, at least. I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I was for what happened between the two of us. We may have never gotten along, but you didn’t deserve what I did to you. And I underestimated your character. All those years and we never really know each other. Max has told me a lot about you, and I’ve got to say you weren’t all that bad of a guy. I’m not going to judge any of your mistakes—not when I’ve made so many of my own. You loved her and that’s what I’ll remember you for.”

He pauses and looks up at me for a moment. “Ethan, I didn’t just steal your girl, I fell in love with her. I really hope that you can feel that. I’m sure you don’t approve of me—but from one enemy to another, I’m calling a truce. I’m calling a truce because the girl we both love can’t spend the rest of her life caught between us. She deserves better than that. Hell, she deserves everything. I doubt either of us really have the power to do that, so let’s give her this.”

He braces his hands on his knees to push himself up and starts to take a step back. Then he pauses. “I don’t know what the protocol is up there, but if you could say hey to my mom, and my grandpa, and tell them I miss them and that I love them, that’d be good. Take care of them, okay? Take care of them while I take care of Max.”

He turns to me. God, there’s a waterfall of tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm pretty sure I might drown. Death by crying, how horrible. He chases away the tears with the pads of his thumbs and then motions to the headstone. “Your turn. Take your time, Peaches.”

I nod, hiccupping through my sobs. Cain just looks at me with love. “What?” I ask.

He just chuckles, the sound low. Hearing that sound, on a day like today, is just beautiful. “You’re just cute.”

“Shh.” I wipe my cheeks one final time and wobble forward uncertainly. “I’m here. Finally.” I give a small, shaky smile. This isn’t Ethan. It’s just a headstone with his name on it. It’s so . . . cold.

I turn back to explain to Cain just how idiotic it feels, but he steps up behind me, placing his palms on my cheeks to turn my attention back to the headstone. His hands drop to my shoulders and he sets his chin on my head. “Close your eyes.” I don’t do as he says, which earns me a grunt of disproval. “Close your eyes.”

“How did you know I didn’t?”

“My love for you makes me psychic. Now close them, Peaches.” This time I do it. His hands travel down the length of my arms to wrap around my midsection. “Calm, Peaches. I did it. You can too,” he tells me, trying to soothe my growing tension. “Just picture him. Pretend he’s the one holding you.”

“Cain, that—”

He shushes me. “Just do it. It’ll help. Trust me.”

I don’t want to think about Cain’s arms like that. That would make Cain seem like some sort of a replacement for Ethan when he’s not. They aren’t anywhere near alike in who they are or in how I love them. Instead, I do what I’ve always done when I’ve needed Ethan to be with me. I feel him in the way the wind caresses my skin, I feel him in the way my heart beats unevenly, I feel him everywhere in everything. I let myself believe that just because he isn’t here anymore, it doesn’t mean that he’s no longer with me.

“Now talk,” Cain murmurs.

I let out a long sigh, finding my words in that blank space. “You forced your way into my life. You made me love you. Even when I hated you, I loved you. And then when you were forced out of my life—when you left me here alone—I still loved you. There’s no way to stop loving you. I need you to know that. I need you to see that my life was so much fuller with you in it, and that for the longest time, it’s been empty without you. I will always love you, today, tomorrow, even thirty years from now.

“I couldn’t face you until now because that meant accepting I would have to move on. I was never ready to let you go. I still don’t know if I am. But if there is one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that letting go isn’t the same as moving on. I don’t have to stop loving you or remembering you or missing you. I don’t think it’s even possible. No, what I can do is give you the piece of my heart that broke when you died. I can let you live there forever so I can have the rest of my heart back. So I can give my heart to someone else without letting you go.

“I have to move on so I can stop falling backward. I need to fall forward. I want to. Sometimes it might feel like I died with you, but I didn’t. I’m alive, Ethan. I’m alive and I have to live. Even if that means living without you. I owe it to the both of us to do that.”

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