Page 18 of Moving Forward

I shrug. I do feel more like my old self than I have in a long time. Probably the exhaustion from all the parties has left me little time to think.

“Don’t stop. I like it. I’ve missed it.” Her phone dings and she pulls it out of her pocket to check her messages. “Looks like it’s just me and you tonight. Matt and Danny’s tuxes are finished and they’re getting drinks after they pick them up.”

“Seventeen more days,” I remind her. “Are you getting nervous?”

She slumps down into the chair across from the mirror. “No. Not at all. I mean, I’ve been preparing myself to marry this boy since middle school, and I love him. The only thing I’m a little bit scared of is the wedding night.”

I muffle a laugh. If I know anything about my friends, it’s that they’re definitely sexually involved. Our apartment walls were so thin it was hard not to know that.

She sticks out her tongue. “I don’t mean the sex. We’ve already done that. A lot. A lot. But I mean, what if we get there and it’s like the anticipation’s over? It’s supposed to be our special night and I’m afraid it won’t be so special. It’ll be a literal been there, done that.”

“El, I doubt that will happen. The second you’re tired of each other or think what you have isn’t special anymore, the world will implode.”

“I know it’s stupid,” she agrees with a sigh.

“It’s not. You’re in love, and love is scary.”

No matter how you fall in love, slow or fast, forever or for a day, you’re falling. Always falling. And to fall you have to let go of everything. Nothing is more terrifying.

CHAPTER EIGHT

CAIN

I glare down at the beer I’ve been nursing for the last hour, my third tonight. At the rate I’ve been going through them this week, I’ll need to buy another case sooner rather than later. That’s enough to make me push the bottle away. I despise going into town.

People have always made me the center of attention, either by staring at me like I’m a pitiful, disadvantaged kid life had beaten the shit out of, or by trying to console me as if words can make everything better. They never do. It was impossible to hide from that in such a small town, so I stopped going into town and I avoided everyone except Grams.

For a while, Grams brought me groceries. I guess she thought I was going through a phase I’d eventually snap out of. But when nothing changed a year later, she stopped, forcing me to go into town and actually be around people.

The first time people literally cowered as if I was going to hurt them. The cashier flinched when I handed him money, and a lady in the milk aisle shooed her kids away from me. Guess I earned that. After that reception, I started going at odd times: early in the morning right when they opened, or just before closing. I still get the same treatment, but at least there are fewer people.

Nothing has felt as bad as Max’s reaction. I always thought I was good at blocking people out, but that was like having an anvil catapulted at my gut. Over these last two weeks, she’s consumed my every waking thought. My dreams too. I keep telling myself she’s too good for me and I don’t deserve to be around her, but it doesn’t work. If anything, it makes things worse. I talked myself out of trying to explain to her what happened with me and Ethan. Not like it would change anything. She’ll never forgive me. She’s gone, out of my life forever. The thought makes me take the final swigs of my beer.

I’m hopeless. So fucking hopeless.

There’s a knock at the door. Well, shit. All I want to do is race for the door. Instead, I stand and casually head toward it, stopping with my hand on the knob to let out a long breath. It isn’t her. It isn’t her. I won’t be disappointed. It isn’t her.

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