Page 74 of Sugar Coated Secrets

I like drawing this out, too, worried that if I fuck her, I’ll lose interest quickly. I have her for one more week. I don’t want to scare her off or send her running because things get awkward. They could if I push her too far, too fast.

Things between us are going better than I could have dreamed. She’s so much more than I imagined. But no one has ever stopped the panic from rising when the hint of serious commitment comes from a woman. The suggestion alone makes my palms sweaty.

In the past, a few women dared to bring it up, believing they could convince me to try a relationship and that I’d like it. Each time, my body breaks into a full-on sweat. My heart races, and my chest tightens like my lungs are collapsing.

I feel trapped with a strong desire to escape into fresh air and nature. And I do. I leave so quickly for freedom and open space I have to send a text explaining my rapid departure.

When I was little, I hid in an old trunk my father had in the attic. The lock got stuck when I closed the lid, and I was trapped. I spent hours banging on the wood, screaming for help, crying when that didn’t work, and finally praying. It felt like I was in there for days.

Daire thought I’d quit the game, which I did sometimes, and went outside to play. It wasn’t until my mother questioned why I wasn’t at dinner that Daire explained we’d played hide-n-seek earlier and he hadn’t seen me since. The entire family, the cooks, and the housekeepers searched the estate for me. Six hours later, my dad found me in that chest.

I was catatonic by then, frozen by fear and anxiety. To this day, I hate enclosed spaces. As I grew older, that fear of being trapped spread to relationships. Even friends that get too needy or close scare me off. It’s why Sadie is an anomaly in my life.

Our friendship happened slowly over time and through events that put us together. She was easy to talk to, funny with her paranoia, and cute as fuck. She was also off-limits once she rejected me, and my brother and his wife decided I needed to treat Everleigh’s bestie with total respect.

Sadie friend-zoned me, and I did the same, by force, but it worked. We were able to grow close without the fear of more. We didn’t see each other often at first, but we texted and then evolved to phone calls. I felt I could tell her anything, and it was easy to be me. Not the useless version everyone assumed or expected from me, just me. Even with that, I held a lot of myself back. She’s seeing it all now. She’s even seeing my room. I don’t know what it means or if it means anything at all. This could be another evolution of our friendship. We’ve never spent this much time together in person consistently.

I imagine when she leaves, things between us will go back to the way they were. At the thought, a cold sweat breaks across my forehead. That’s never happened before.

I change out of my business attire and into workout clothes. I could use a good run outside, but I don’t want Sadie to think I abandoned her, tiring of her already. She’s so paranoid, waiting for me to end this. Honestly, I don’t know how she’s doing it and not becoming needy, like other women have, or clingy, or trying to trap me into a relationship.

Is it because I don’t meet her needs? Sexually, I do. That’s more than obvious. I don’t know what her relationship criteria is, other than marriage and a family one day, but I must fulfill some of her other criteria. Attractive, genuine, supportive.

If I’m honest with myself, it stings that she hasn’t tried to push a relationship on me or even hint about one. Like I’m not worth her time or effort.

But in a way, it makes sense. My own family has never expected more from me. As the spare I have nothing to gain by proving my worth. I exist as a backup.

I scratch my head and take the stairs to the basement.

I still can’t believe Daire asked to see my presentation again and agreed to move forward with it for the farm. I was convinced it’d be much harder to gain his serious attention. Graduating college early didn’t do much for me when it came to recognition from him.

He patted my shoulder and said, “See what happens when you change your focus?” Yet at the farm, he didn’t give me any new responsibilities.

Dad rewarded me with the sports bike and encouraged me to go have fun. Mom kissed my cheek and told me, “Leave the hard stuff for your brother. You were born to enjoy life.”

I know Daire didn’t have it easy, always striving to fit the mold my parents created for him after birth. He had a position to fill, and he did it without complaint. He didn’t argue or question their expectations, he simply became who they wanted him to be. If your parents never expect more from you, you grow up to believe there’s no point in trying.

I’m not my brother. I never will be. It doesn’t mean I can’t bring great things to the table and do it my way. Yes. I like to have fun, and I love women. I struggle to commit. I assumed Daire would use that against accepting my bourbon business venture. I can’t quite wrap my head around his sudden change of heart. I could ask him, I guess.

I turn on the lights in the basement. The ceilings are higher than normal, and it’s completely finished. I haven’t bought furniture for the movie room yet. The other two rooms could serve as guest rooms in the future. As of now, they’re either empty or used for storage. The part in the basement I use the most is the gym, which includes multiple machines and a sauna. I turn on the flat screen, find my favorite nature trail on YouTube, and run on the treadmill until I’m drenched with sweat and clear in the head.

Chapter 21

Sadie

“Here.” Easton hands me the pictures of the covers I made.

He’s been fetching them from his printer for me. The colors are much better from this one than the one Everleigh let me borrow.

After my bath, which I thoroughly enjoyed, in his private en suite last night, I searched the house for him and assumed he left me.

As much as it hurt that he didn’t even say goodbye, I tried not to let it bother me. This is my problem, not his. Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel he owes me more because I’m not just a woman he picked up at a bar.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m not cut out for the single sex life. I’m a one-man kind of girl. Yes. I’m with only one man right now, but I don’t have him, not really. We’re experimenting. I can admit it’s the best sexual experiment of my life. I don’t know why he hasn’t had actual sex with me yet. At first, I thought it might be his big size. I’m going to feel that if he can even fit it in. Dash wasn’t large, a bit below average, from what I’ve experienced. Part of me thinks Easton is dragging it out so he doesn’t get bored too quickly, or worse, he fears he won’t like sex with me. How awkward would that be?

I’d be humiliated. I most certainly wouldn’t be able to talk to him or see his face for months, if not longer.

“Are those the ones?” he asks from behind me, probably tired of the many I’ve dismissed or tweaked since we started this morning.

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