Page 75 of One Billion Reasons

“Remember when we talked about moving to Southern California? So you could surf every day?”

“Oh, god, I do.” Miles is grinning. His hair is drying in wild waves, and he’s tanned from our days at the beach. I can’t help but think this trip is turning back time for him. “You, me, and Liam. We were going to buy a house and become surfing instructors and you were going to be an artist.”

“I thought it was the perfect plan. It’s time to admit I was probably looking at a fine future of selling puka shell necklaces on the beach.” I roll my eyes. It was the dream of a teenager.

“I’d buy them. You have those small childlike hands. All the better for doing the intricate knot-tying required if you can’t get an actual child to do it.” He’s smiling slyly at me, and I have to laugh.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Would you do it now?” he asks.

“Would I what? Move to southern California and quit my job? That’s not really in the cards for me. I don’t know if it’s fun to dream about things you can’t have, or if it’s painful.” That level of irresponsibility is not worth dreaming about. Not right now.

“Pretend for a minute that you can do whatever you want.”

I glance over at him, and his eyes are soft and serious. He would do anything I asked. The realization jolts through me. If I asked Miles to make my dreams come true, he would do it, without question. I say carefully, “Yes. I mean, it doesn’t have to be California. Or even near the ocean. But I do want something that’s all mine. I think that was always the most attractive part of that dream. Liam and I only ever had each other…until you brought us into your world. And that house would have been something we couldn’t lose.”

It’s the truth. All those college years without a home to go back to, until Miles brought us into his family. More than anything, I want a home that feels like mine, that can’t be taken from me.

Miles’s mouth is twisted in sympathy. “You lost your parents’ house, right?”

“We did. Not long after they died. Our parents didn’t have siblings, and our grandparents have been gone for a long time. There was no one to make the mortgage payments.”

He winces. “I’m sorry for making fun of you. I shouldn’t have mocked your desire for stability.”

“It’s okay. I mean, at the time, I was pissed.” I sigh. “But maybe you’re right. Sometimes I think I’m playing it safe. I mean, look at my job.” An uncomfortable ache starts in my stomach. These are the secret thoughts I have when it’s late at night. Even Liam and Mal don’t know them.

“You like your job. It’s not like you’re a banker or something.” He tilts his head as he waits for me to respond.

“Yeah, but I picked wedding photography because it’s safe. What if I were doing what Mal is doing? I could have tried to make it in the art world. Maybe I should have.” My heart beats a little faster as I admit this.

“You still can.” His warm palm lands on my hand. “You can have both. Just because you picked one thing doesn’t mean you can’t try to have the other. You can build a little business on the side.”

“I guess so. I feel like a sell-out. I want stability, but I’m failing at that. I want to do more, but I don’t know how.” I grimace.

“You’re young, Lane. You have time.” Miles shakes his head. He wouldn’t understand.

“Everyone knows their path, and I’m out here floating in the wind. Look at you. You’re literally the world’s youngest billionaire.” I slash my hand through the air. Miles is too successful to know how I feel. “Look at Jonah. He’s right there with you. And then you have me.” My shoulders slump. “Still paying off my student loans, still trying to scrape by. I feel like a failure.”

“You’re not a failure.”

His stubborn disagreement makes anger twist through me. He doesn’t understand because he’s always had it all.

I scoff. “Please. You told me enough times that I was. The worst part is, I can’t blame you. You’re not wrong.”

He stops short. “Lane.”

I stop too, but I don’t want to look at him.

He drops the board in the dirt and tugs my hand. I sigh and let him drag me closer. My shoulders are tense, and my stomach is in knots, but when I meet his eyes, the grey depths are warm.

“Tell me.”

“You’re joking.” My mouth falls open. “All those times you told me to do more with my life? Or criticized my choices? Or implied I wasn’t enough? I haven’t forgotten those times.”

With each word, Miles’s eyes darken. I like that he’s angry about this because resentment toward him has been my faithful companion for a decade.

“I hate that you think that.” His voice is rough when he finally responds. “But I can’t blame you.” He shakes his head and inhales deeply. “I never meant any of that as criticism. I wanted more for you. I want more for you. I want you to have everything you deserve. I’m sorry for going about it in the worst way possible.” His lips twist. “But I won’t apologize for criticizing your boyfriends. None of them deserved you. I’d go back in time and fight every one of them. Especially that prick who cheated on you.” He bares his teeth, and a shiver runs through me. “And especially every selfish asshole who never cared about your pleasure.”

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