Page 5 of You're Not My King!

Without a single word, I was ushered onto that dick-shaped spaceship, strapped in with three other humans—one of whom might have pissed their pants—and en route to some planet I’d never heard of, all within, like, three minutes. That had to be some kind of record.

I closed my eyes, my breath shaking on its slow release. This was it; the conclusion to weeks of inspections and uncertainty. All the clinical bullshit I’d suffered, wondering if it was my lot to die as a test subject on a fucking UFO or if it was prep for something worse.

I guess I had my answer.

I was being shipped off to live the rest of my miserable life as a slave to whichever alien was the highest bidder.

Lucky me.

REUBEN

Arriving at the ‘trading’ planet was a fucking miracle. Whichever genius had given the pilot their license, should have been shot.

Or fired, at least.

Turbulence didn’t even begin to cover what we’d gone through—a goddamn tornado was more accurate. I had no fear of flying, but whatever the hell that was didn’t qualify. The fact that I hadn’t thrown up all over the place was honestly a personal achievement, especially when the ship had barrel-rolled and two of my companions had started projectile vomiting. That had been fun—definitely an experience I wouldn’t forget—so much so that I almost let go of my last shred of self-respect and clapped when we finally landed in one piece.

Almost.

I bolted from my seat as soon as the harness was unbuckled, leaping over the river of vomit to get to the exit. The ramp wasn’t even lowered before I scrambled off the end, frantic to get my feet on solid ground. If my guard thought I was attempting escape and decided to tackle me, provided it happened outside the tin can, I would submit without fuss. Hell, in all seriousness, if this ownership thing meant never riding in another UFO again, I’d bark and wag my imaginary tail without a single complaint.

I wasn’t all that attached to my dignity.

Hands propped on my knees, I leaned forward, sucking in a few deep, calming breaths. It was warmer here than my hometown, and the clinical emptiness of the space cell, I noted. The air felt thicker in my throat, and kind of wet. I could already imagine my hair curling at the ends from the humidity, and my skin glimmering with the thinnest layer of sweat. How attractive. I concentrated on that thought until I was calm enough to straighten again, and only then—when I was finally able to focus on my surroundings—did it fully sink in that I was here. On a different planet. No longer in space. Nowhere near Earth.

I blew out a slow breath and took in my new ‘home.’

U’suhk was very picturesque. Without skyscrapers and pollution invading the place, there was just… nature. Everywhere. And so many fucking hills. Mountains. Whatever. It was different from Earth, of course it was, but not only for the lack of modern technology. It felt like being trapped in some wild, psychedelic trip, or a kid’s coloring book. The sky was a clash of peach and mint, the soil was lime green, and anywhere covered in their version of grass or foliage was wine red. The rock faces were also mixed; the parts cast in shadow had an olive hue, while anything touched by light was salmon pink. I didn’t understand the mechanics of it—far too sciency for my pea-brain to comprehend—but it was kinda cool, if a little disorientating.

There was a dense forest of spooky trees up ahead. From a distance, they seemed to move. Not the swaying-in-the-breeze type of moving, more like tentacles or dismembered arms flopping back and forth. They were flexible and squidgy, and the thought of them tickling my skin as I walked through made me shiver, so I focused elsewhere.

The planet was basically a rainforest—a rainforest straight out of an abstract painting, but a rainforest, nonetheless. I’d never been to one myself, but all those nature documentaries my sister had watched on repeat as a kid helped me make the connection. That thought had me wondering what kinds of animals they had here; whether they were similar to the ones on Earth or a mad, upside-down concoction like everything else. What if dinosaurs still existed? Well, technically they did, if our alien guards were anything to go by, but, like… what if they had weird tropical, hybrid T-rexes roaming around?

I groaned.

I’m going to die here.

The other dude who’d also kept his Jell-O cubes within the confines of his stomach joined me outside. He remained deathly silent, like a thief or some shit, his arms folded over his thick chest as he carefully surveyed the landscape as I had. I wasn’t sure whether he was Tanner or Ben, and since he wasn’t really a talker, I didn’t bother checking. He was a gnarly fucker though. With the silver tooth poking through the permanent sneer curling his top lip and killer face tattoos, I understood why he was a member of the Uggo Brigade. Not that I was in any position to judge a rando’s looks, and in actuality, he was pretty hot, but the aliens clearly had other opinions on style.

We stood at the bottom of the ramp for a while, our escorts hovering three feet behind us, their guns firmly in hand and eyes fixed on nothing in particular. If I had to take a guess, we were all waiting for the two sickly passengers to be made presentable again—re: impossible standards. So, since I had nothing better to do, I scanned the landing strip, marveling at the two unfamiliar spacecrafts already docked farther down. One was twice the size of ours, less phallic, but more rounded and kinda booby, while the other was small and shiny. There was a group of aliens carting boxes to and from the backs of both ships. They were from other planets, I surmised, ’cause none looked anything like the guards, medics, or stewards from A&R.

Neither craft had humans on board—I worked that out from the lack of air holes in the crates getting dumped in the sand. Whatever was inside was clearly being swapped for the wicker baskets of stuff already waiting. Was this a drop-off and pick-up post for all the planets in the galaxy? Trade, my mind helpfully reminded. Furs, some strange type of rock, and other supplies exchanged for… what? Money? Weapons? Nah. From the info I already had of U’suhk and its people, they were self-sufficient here. I doubted shit like that had any value to them. I supposed they would make their own clothes, grow their food, and build anything they needed using the fruits of the land. Though, those trees and their low-hanging branches didn’t look very reliable, so fuck knew what else they used.

I couldn’t see any aliens milling around who looked like lizards. There were a couple of massive, baby-blue shark-men who were pretty impressive, and a bird-like species flocking around the smaller craft, picking through the goods for whatever they needed. There must have been some kind of honor system in place, with the inhabitants seeing no need to oversee the trading, just trusting that anything left at the post wouldn’t be taken without payment. That would never work on Earth. Not the town I was from, at least. There would be nothing but intentional prints left in the sand as a big “fuck you, sucker.”

I had to admit, it did settle me a little knowing that the people about to own my ass had some measure of honor.

It was a start.

Footsteps approached from behind, slow and precise, and I knew before even glancing over my shoulder that it was one of the stewards. The dude paused near the bottom of the plank to cast a bored glance over the edge of his tablet, his cheeks flushing a darker shade of turquoise as the slight heat hit his skin. He glared at the place just long enough to sigh, before dropping his gaze and marching on.

“Follow,” he barked in that monotone way of his species, clicking his fingers just to add a sprinkle more humiliation to the situation.

We were guided away from the ships to a quieter spot with a literal stick poking out of the ground, as if to indicate where the bidding would take place. “The lizard escort is late,” the steward announced, stopping beside the post as if on autopilot. “We must wait for their arrival, or until anyone here wishes to purchase you.” He blew out a withering puff. “Whichever comes first.”

It was almost comical how one of the huge shark dudes stopped in his tracks—several crates balanced in his hands—and flicked his gaze over, obviously having heard every word. The blue spots on his back turned yellow as he eyed us with intent, a sharp-toothed grin widening his overly happy face. I shifted from foot to foot, hoping like fuck that he didn’t take the steward up on that proposal.

I was into big dicks, but there was a limit.

---