Page 9 of Rugged and Filthy

My feet were as heavy as my heart as I stood, holding my arms as Xena pressed her head against me. “I know, baby girl. It never gets easier.” She heard something and rushed away, leaving me for a few seconds to stare down at the cold slab that had encased my husband’s body for far too long.

“I thought it would be forever, baby. But that’s where you’ll be in my heart.” Another few seconds passed before I found another moment of courage to turn around, my heart still palpitating rapidly. My sweet sister remained standing in the rain as she’d done so many times before, refusing to leave my side.

I glanced at my beautiful diamond again before slowly heading in her direction. A full three minutes passed in the same silence that always encompassed me when I visited Finn’s gravesite. Nothing felt real any longer. Not one damn thing.

“Do you feel any better?” Erin finally asked.

I stared off into the distance, not feeling anything at this point. “At least Finn knows I’m still here. I could feel him, Erin. I could feel his love.”

“Did you ever stop to think that his presence is trying to encourage you to move on with your life?”

“And do what?” I hated the sound of irritation in my voice, but my nerves remained on edge.

Reaching out slowly, she gripped my arm. “To live. To thrive. To move on. Baby sister, Finn wanted that so much for you and for Aiden.”

“How am I supposed to do that? How? He was my world, my rock. Without him I’m… I’m lost. I’m nothing any longer, not without him. Nothing. Nothing.”

“Baby girl. Jesus Christ. Don’t you see how amazing you are? When Daddy was diagnosed with cancer, you swung into action, making certain the doctors tended to him as they should have been. You were there when he had his heart attack. You knew what to do, using lifesaving techniques to keep him alive. You’ve sacrificed your home and your career to take care of him. You’ve committed yourself to saving a business you wanted no part of just because Daddy wanted you to. And you’ve been an incredible role model for Aiden and for me. And you think you’re nothing? You’re the strongest, most incredible woman and friend I’ve ever met in my life, and I am so very proud to have you as my sister.”

She always seemed to know exactly what to say, my world so much better because she was in it. I threw my arms around her neck, holding her close. “Thank you, sweetie. That means so much.” I sucked in another round of sobs, hating the weakness that I couldn’t rid myself of.

She pushed me back seconds later, still gripping my arms. “So, you’re going to promise me something.”

“What is that?”

“That you stop forgetting about your needs. You’re a beautiful young woman living the life of a hermit the last few years.”

I laughed bitterly and pulled away, finally feeling the chill. “I kinda had some reasons.”

“Yeah? Well, the excuses are starting to become old. You need and deserve to have a life, honey. You’re a beautiful young woman. You’re in the prime of your life. What are you waiting for? Finn is not coming back through your front door.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t! Okay?”

Erin knew when not to challenge me, yet she loved pushing my buttons.

“Remind me why I still tolerate you?” I asked, noticing the smirk on her face.

“Because I’m awesome. Shouldn’t that be obvious?”

“What’s obvious is that you’re pushing me too hard.”

“Somebody has to. You need hot sex. You’ve had what, three dates since Finn died and you pushed them all away as if they were venomous rodents.”

I choked on purpose. “They were rodents and I have plenty of hot sex with my fabulous purple vibrator.” Even that hadn’t been used for weeks, maybe months.

She snorted. “Baby girl. You need to actually have intercourse with a man for it to qualify as sex. Come on. You learned the birds and bees in school. Right?”

“Have I told you lately how much I hate you?”

“All the time.”

“We should get going. And I’m sorry. I know he’s not coming in through my front door or any door for that matter. But I can miss him. No other man will ever compare to what we had. No other relationship.”

“Of course you can miss him, honey. I get that. Everyone does but not only do you owe it to Finn’s memory to find your way in this ugly life, but you also owe it to yourself as well. And to Xena. Dating isn’t a sin.”

“It is in my world.” I fought to try to laugh as we both stared down at my beautiful pup.

“And to Aiden.”

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